falloutcarter13
Bury me, bury me...
- Aug 1, 2020
- 671
As the time to ctb gets closer and closer, I keep shedding things. Its like I'm walking through the desert, casting off empty bottles of water as I drain them. Lightening the load, but also realizing I'm using up/leaving behind things I can't get back, and that each thing I toss aside brings me one step closer to the end.
I just realized I no longer have any interest in MMA, something I used to love. I used to love doing it, watching it, being around other people who love it. I loved everything about it, even how the gym smelled like old blood and smelly feet. It was the perfect thing for me, because it was the only aspect of my life that did not contain any bullshit. There's no lying in a fight, not to yourself or anybody else. If you don't shut off the part of your brain that overthinks everything, you are going to get severely punished for it. I felt like water when I did it, like I was just flowing and I had no choice about where I went, that was up to some higher force like gravity.
Tonight, my friend kind of jokingly suggested I go to a BJJ class and get choked out a few times to "bring me out of it." (This friend knows I'm depressed, but not about my ctb plans. I only trust one friend with that, and its not this one.) I actually considered it, for all of five seconds. I just have zero interest left in it. There's just no fight left in me, that's really all there is to it. I put on the fights from this weekend, which I used to study and appreciate and enjoy. As I watched it, all I could think was "...this is so fucking stupid."
I just realized I no longer have any interest in MMA, something I used to love. I used to love doing it, watching it, being around other people who love it. I loved everything about it, even how the gym smelled like old blood and smelly feet. It was the perfect thing for me, because it was the only aspect of my life that did not contain any bullshit. There's no lying in a fight, not to yourself or anybody else. If you don't shut off the part of your brain that overthinks everything, you are going to get severely punished for it. I felt like water when I did it, like I was just flowing and I had no choice about where I went, that was up to some higher force like gravity.
Tonight, my friend kind of jokingly suggested I go to a BJJ class and get choked out a few times to "bring me out of it." (This friend knows I'm depressed, but not about my ctb plans. I only trust one friend with that, and its not this one.) I actually considered it, for all of five seconds. I just have zero interest left in it. There's just no fight left in me, that's really all there is to it. I put on the fights from this weekend, which I used to study and appreciate and enjoy. As I watched it, all I could think was "...this is so fucking stupid."
