Pale Blue Dot
That's here, that's home, that's us.
- Jan 9, 2020
- 54
Several weeks of quarantine(mandatory) finished, and was going to jump off from the 10-story-high apartment. Everyone's asleep. I'm the only one who's awake.
I was afraid, and I'm still afraid. Though don't know exactly what I'm afraid of. Probably that goddamn SI again. It is just like random thoughts and concerns coming outta my head, such as what happens if I fail and end it up in the hospital, or what happens if someone sees me and calls the police so I get rescued, and so on. Damn, why didn't you think about that at first, then? I know I'm not afraid of heights, almost at all. So what's to hesitate?
I haven't been that suicidal since yesterday, and today I feel kinda okay actually. Had the biggest mood swings ever(I almost cried a whole day; didn't happened in my life before), but wasn't actually suicidal, ironically. This kind of "phase changing" happens all time, and it's uncontrollable. Just wanted to rest(had been doing that for few weeks tho, lol) and stay peaceful, doing nothing; But, why is it like this today? If my quarantine finished even like two days before, then I'd probably caught the bus. Why is this happening since "yesterday"?
I don't know. I don't wanna think about anything right now. I've always thought that I'd never put off the attempt if there's an obvious, clear way to die. I thought other people who can't do their methods are just cowards, honestly. Now I look really dumb to myself. Just hate this whole situation. Damn it.
Gonna try again at tomorrow midnight or like at 3am, when nobody sees it.
My life was given to me without my will. Why am I even getting bothered refusing it.
Got a call from my mom. Why should I call her mom and be thankful for her of giving me birth?
Can't we just all die together?
I was afraid, and I'm still afraid. Though don't know exactly what I'm afraid of. Probably that goddamn SI again. It is just like random thoughts and concerns coming outta my head, such as what happens if I fail and end it up in the hospital, or what happens if someone sees me and calls the police so I get rescued, and so on. Damn, why didn't you think about that at first, then? I know I'm not afraid of heights, almost at all. So what's to hesitate?
I haven't been that suicidal since yesterday, and today I feel kinda okay actually. Had the biggest mood swings ever(I almost cried a whole day; didn't happened in my life before), but wasn't actually suicidal, ironically. This kind of "phase changing" happens all time, and it's uncontrollable. Just wanted to rest(had been doing that for few weeks tho, lol) and stay peaceful, doing nothing; But, why is it like this today? If my quarantine finished even like two days before, then I'd probably caught the bus. Why is this happening since "yesterday"?
I don't know. I don't wanna think about anything right now. I've always thought that I'd never put off the attempt if there's an obvious, clear way to die. I thought other people who can't do their methods are just cowards, honestly. Now I look really dumb to myself. Just hate this whole situation. Damn it.
Gonna try again at tomorrow midnight or like at 3am, when nobody sees it.
My life was given to me without my will. Why am I even getting bothered refusing it.
Got a call from my mom. Why should I call her mom and be thankful for her of giving me birth?
Can't we just all die together?
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