Venting I thought I was ready for ctb but SI is strong

[natali4]

I was having trouble sleeping two days ago and I was in a very dark place. I took 3 Benadryl's to knock myself out. I have taken benedryl before to help me sleep but that night was different. All the muscles in my body started to hurt and I started to feel very cold. It felt like I had fever and I was in the process of passing out. My mind started to wander and panic. I wanted to stop myself from passing out, but I couldn't help it, I was losing control of my body. I was panicking. That's when I realized that this is probably how I will feel if I drink SN. SI will kick in and I will fuck it up. I woke up next morning and was feeling fine but I realized that even though I am ready to ctb, I know how SI can kick in at any moment and ruin everything.

 

[rationaltake]

I can relate to this. It's so hard to overcome SI. I've got SN but haven't used it yet.

 

[FuneralCry]

It can be very difficult to ctb as even know we want to die, we are programmed to survive. I wish that there was a way to just fall asleep and never wake up. I'm sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point. I wish you the best in whatever happens.