Lost in a Dream
He/him - Metal head
- Feb 22, 2020
- 2,320
Just a few minutes ago, I made a grilled cheese sandwich on the stove. While it was good, I was partway through eating it when I bit down on something far too hard to be a piece of the sandwich and it was a piece of tooth. Only thing I really want to do is finish the stories I've been posting in Off Topic and then end my life with some kind of peaceful-ish method.
As far as I'm concerned, my human body is just a prison cell for my consciousness and that is all it ever has been. I believe with every fiber of my being that if someone doesn't want to be alive, they shouldn't be forced to be against their will. So stupid how euthanasia isn't fully legalized everywhere and freely available for people like me. If it was, I would finish my stories and GTFO with help from a doctor, but since I can't get euthanasia anytime I want, I have to resort to suicide.
I've been wanting to kill myself for nearly a whole decade at this point, and half of those years I spent being critically suicidal to the point of joining suicide forums and making goodbye threads here. I also have a problem where snot drains down my throat and I gag on it, so sometimes I try to eat something and end up throwing it up right away because of that shit. Sometimes at work, I don't even eat my lunch because I'm afraid I'll just throw it up when I'm dry heaving after gagging.
My body is not just a prison cell, but it's defective and has been a torture chamber for most of my life. All I want is for it to be destroyed. While I do sometimes envy people who decide they want to live after something in their life improves, and I do feel happy for them sometimes, it doesn't really help me. I've seen numerous therapists in the past 10 years, tried numerous medications, seen numerous dentists, and have also tried religion enough times to know that it isn't for me. I see faith as being no different from delusion, and that is all religion is. I do believe in God, but having such a belief has never brought me even a speck of hope, it's only made me suffer more. I despise God with the deepest hatred, just like I despise this world and all of the Forced Life assholes who get in the way of people like me getting euthanasia.
I truly wish my mother would've died when she was pregnant or got an abortion. Either one would've been good for me. I fully suspect to be dead within the next year or so. I've made many goodbye threads and every day I wonder when my next and final goodbye thread will be. I wish this was it, but I'm not ready yet. I still enjoy weed, alcohol, creative writing, video games, food, and coloring books, but my ability to enjoy them comes and goes unfortunately. Someday that will mean nothing to me and I will be out of here.
As far as I'm concerned, my human body is just a prison cell for my consciousness and that is all it ever has been. I believe with every fiber of my being that if someone doesn't want to be alive, they shouldn't be forced to be against their will. So stupid how euthanasia isn't fully legalized everywhere and freely available for people like me. If it was, I would finish my stories and GTFO with help from a doctor, but since I can't get euthanasia anytime I want, I have to resort to suicide.
I've been wanting to kill myself for nearly a whole decade at this point, and half of those years I spent being critically suicidal to the point of joining suicide forums and making goodbye threads here. I also have a problem where snot drains down my throat and I gag on it, so sometimes I try to eat something and end up throwing it up right away because of that shit. Sometimes at work, I don't even eat my lunch because I'm afraid I'll just throw it up when I'm dry heaving after gagging.
My body is not just a prison cell, but it's defective and has been a torture chamber for most of my life. All I want is for it to be destroyed. While I do sometimes envy people who decide they want to live after something in their life improves, and I do feel happy for them sometimes, it doesn't really help me. I've seen numerous therapists in the past 10 years, tried numerous medications, seen numerous dentists, and have also tried religion enough times to know that it isn't for me. I see faith as being no different from delusion, and that is all religion is. I do believe in God, but having such a belief has never brought me even a speck of hope, it's only made me suffer more. I despise God with the deepest hatred, just like I despise this world and all of the Forced Life assholes who get in the way of people like me getting euthanasia.
I truly wish my mother would've died when she was pregnant or got an abortion. Either one would've been good for me. I fully suspect to be dead within the next year or so. I've made many goodbye threads and every day I wonder when my next and final goodbye thread will be. I wish this was it, but I'm not ready yet. I still enjoy weed, alcohol, creative writing, video games, food, and coloring books, but my ability to enjoy them comes and goes unfortunately. Someday that will mean nothing to me and I will be out of here.
