msesis
Student
- Jun 16, 2024
- 127
I do actually want to live. There's a life out there that I'd like to live. I don't even know if I would describe myself as depressed. Just.. burnt out, exhausted, and done with it all.
I joined SaSu two years ago - I was at my wits end then, but then a lot of things happened. I just completed my SN order yesterday. I really don't have the energy to fight anymore. Today I woke up in the middle of the night screaming. I was just in so much pain. I tried to be quiet in case the neighbors heard. It's 5am, I'd hate to be that person. But the cries I let out were so visceral.
I'm in a deep pit and I don't have the energy to climb out. I called for help but it turns out when you're vulnerable there are good people but there are sharks too. People who maybe mean well but then at one turn will use your situation against you.
I have to be very careful about mental healthcare, because I've been involuntarily hospitalized, and it is legal to force involuntary patients to do ECT where I lived. I will never let that happen - I would truly rather die than risk memory loss and cognitive impairment. I know that sounds irrational, but it's just not worth it. It's not a path I would ever take.
So I can't ask for help from regular people because I don't trust people, and I won't burden my friends anymore, and I can't reach out to professionals because I know what they'll do to me. I can't do it alone. I can barely get up. The walls are closing in and there's not a way out. I tried asking my family for help. They think I'm just doing it for attention anyways. And I know it would please my narc mother greatly to know I'm struggling. I had an old mentor I trusted who betrayed me. My friends are literal angels but I will not disappoint them with this. Therapy..... I can try find another one... after my old sessions ended. But it has to be disconnected from my psychiatrist because.. yeah. But I'm tired. So tired.
I think it will happen. It's been two years in the making, but step by step I am getting closer and closer to that proverbial edge. I didn't think this would be my fate but I truly believe there are some things you can't control. Goodbye..... I guess.
I joined SaSu two years ago - I was at my wits end then, but then a lot of things happened. I just completed my SN order yesterday. I really don't have the energy to fight anymore. Today I woke up in the middle of the night screaming. I was just in so much pain. I tried to be quiet in case the neighbors heard. It's 5am, I'd hate to be that person. But the cries I let out were so visceral.
I'm in a deep pit and I don't have the energy to climb out. I called for help but it turns out when you're vulnerable there are good people but there are sharks too. People who maybe mean well but then at one turn will use your situation against you.
I have to be very careful about mental healthcare, because I've been involuntarily hospitalized, and it is legal to force involuntary patients to do ECT where I lived. I will never let that happen - I would truly rather die than risk memory loss and cognitive impairment. I know that sounds irrational, but it's just not worth it. It's not a path I would ever take.
So I can't ask for help from regular people because I don't trust people, and I won't burden my friends anymore, and I can't reach out to professionals because I know what they'll do to me. I can't do it alone. I can barely get up. The walls are closing in and there's not a way out. I tried asking my family for help. They think I'm just doing it for attention anyways. And I know it would please my narc mother greatly to know I'm struggling. I had an old mentor I trusted who betrayed me. My friends are literal angels but I will not disappoint them with this. Therapy..... I can try find another one... after my old sessions ended. But it has to be disconnected from my psychiatrist because.. yeah. But I'm tired. So tired.
I think it will happen. It's been two years in the making, but step by step I am getting closer and closer to that proverbial edge. I didn't think this would be my fate but I truly believe there are some things you can't control. Goodbye..... I guess.
