I think I’m destined to die…

[nitrogenous]

I think my time is only about three months left, given I don't end up ending it before then. I feel like an idiot. One of my biggest fears is if I have to leave Australia for good and now I am overseas, supposedly temporarily to apply for a new visa. But I overlooked something very important… They ask for medical history, including mental health stuff and considering how severe my conditions are (combined with the fact last month alone I had 3 emergency presentations) I'm so fucked. They will argue to not pass my medical examinations due to potential high cost associated with my treatment, especially given recent presentations, admissions and attempts…

I initially had all these mental health issues due to my surfacing trauma, so I feel like it shouldn't be my fault, but at the same time I feel like everything is my fault. I'm an idiot, I should have just sucked it up and endure the abuse and trauma. I've been crying all day not knowing what to do and I just want to go back to Australia quickly to commit as I still have a valid visa till three months time. Otherwise, it would be hard for me to commit anywhere else…

Maybe all this time, I'm destined to die. I should have taken the means a day before my flight. I was close to it and everyone knew I was super agitated. It's my fault. I hate myself. I just want to die.

 

[CarbonBased]

You should not hold yourself responsible for your mental issues. Especially not if they were caused by abuse. You never chose to be abused and you never chose to suffer mentally from it, so why blame yourself?
As for the fate thing, I believe we can't know our fate until it's already happened. Whatever yours is, I truly hope that you'll find some peace. I wish you the best of luck

 

[tree.sn]

Everyone is