Venting I think I might be a pedo

[peerlesscucumber]

This is one of the main reasons I think I'm drawn to CBT.
I don't know if this developed because of my past traumas and high exposure to porn media back when I was very young, but these thoughts have plagued me for years, even before puberty.

It's not only attraction, these thoughts and images of me doing these terrible things to Innocent people. And sometimes, I even catch myself enjoying them like the sicko I am

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't ever do these things to anyone in real life, but I just had to take this off my chest. I've been told off by many because of my weird sexual tastes since I was born a woman, so I never had the chance to even hint to anyone of my sick thoughts

 

[AmericanMary]

Do the thoughts directly involve children? It's it's just some crazy stuff with adults?

if they do not involved children & if you have ever been diagnosed with OCD, pOCD is a very real thing. It's where you convince yourself you're a pedo, but you're not.

 

[lostintheloop]

What matters is actions not thoughts. We can't control intrusive thoughts and images . The fact that you know it's wrong shows you don't want them .
Lots of people think OCD is about tidy and clean but sexual OCD is very real.
Also anxiety and sexual arousal can share brain pathways. Your body can not always tell difference from fear and excitement arousal. So you may not actually enjoy like you think.
And even if you do enjoy thoughts as long as don't act or watch CP they you not harming. You are not alone with this and if you want help with it , there is help out there.

https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/concerned-about-your-own-thoughts-or-behaviour/help-with-inappropriate-thoughts-or-behaviour/self-help/understanding-the-behaviour/

 

[AmericanMary]

You're not going to find someone with an answer to your problem because if an answer existed then you would not be on here. All you're going to get are lectures and finger wagging from people about your life when they have never walked a day in your shoes. I have found that most "pedos" are not true pedos. They're usually bisexual people who will fuck anything, anyone, anytime, including kids. Very few people have an authentic attraction to kids. I don't have an answer but would say that if you are a true pedophile then you might be a ticking timebomb before offending despite being a strong person. I will be blunt though - if you feel like you're going to offend, then death is better than going through the system with a child sex charge. You will lose your dignity, privacy, opportunities (i.e. employment, housing, etc) and the respect of those who love you. I am not saying that committing a sex crime isn't worth it - I am saying that it's not worth living if you even think you might commit a crime. Don't get into the mindset that you have it under control because you probably don't.

There are a lot of wrong things said in this imo. But I feel like telling someone you do not believe life is worth living over something they have never even done yet, is not the move. Why would you tell someone that on a suicide forum, or all places.. we DO NOT ENCOURAGE here.

Also people who are bisexual are attracted to men & women. It doesn't mean they will "fuck anything including children." That's disgusting and clearly shows your homophobic beliefs

 

[thatisitguy]

There are a lot of wrong things said in this imo. But I feel like telling someone you do not believe life is worth living over something they have never even done yet, is not the move. Why would you tell someone that on a suicide forum, or all places.. we DO NOT ENCOURAGE here.

Also people who are bisexual are attracted to men & women. It doesn't mean they will "fuck anything including children." That's disgusting and clearly shows your homophobic beliefs

For starters, I am a gay man. I haven't even kissed a female in my 40-some years. That is how gay I am. So for a straight woman to call me homophobic is laughable. You do not speak for me. I am not encouraging anyone to do anything. I am being honest and upfront. I am not going to lie to them and say everything will be okay with your problem and maybe tell them to start praying to Jesus. This is a place where there are directions on how to kill yourself lol. I did a short term in prison and I can honestly say that if you gave every inmate a gun loaded with one bullet that they could only use on themselves then like 90% of them would kill themselves.

And yes, if you look at the common child molester, they are in fact bisexual. Most molesters who molest boys are usually married or date women. Most guys on gay date apps are bisexual and those are the guys who get busted for trying to meet a 14yo girl. They are primarily attracted to women but can't get one so they go for what they can get.

 

[AmericanMary]

For starters, I am a gay man. I haven't even kissed a female in my 40-some years. That is how gay I am. So for a straight woman to call me homophobic is laughable. You do not speak for me. I am not encouraging anyone to do anything. I am being honest and upfront. I am not going to lie to them and say everything will be okay with your problem and maybe tell them to start praying to Jesus. This is a place where there are directions on how to kill yourself lol. I did a short term in prison and I can honestly say that if you gave every inmate a gun loaded with one bullet that they could only use on themselves then like 90% of them would kill themselves.

And yes, if you look at the common child molester, they are in fact bisexual. Most molesters who molest boys are usually married or date women. Most guys on gay date apps are bisexual and those are the guys who get busted for trying to meet a 14yo girl. They are primarily attracted to women but can't get one so they go for what they can get.

1 I am not straight
2. I have built my entire academic career around sex crimes.
3. I have worked in prisons

You're not going to convince me of a thing. Thx.

Pls do not quote me again in this post. I am not entertaining a conversation with you.

 

[ferrie]

There is therapy you can attend that can be effective for these thoughts, especially since they clearly cause you distress & may be born from trauma. I would second the idea of some form of OCD or intrusive thoughts. If you wanted to act on this, you wouldn't feel so distressed by it. Seeking help before it gets worse is possible, and I think it is your best course of action

 

[EvisceratedJester]

They're usually bisexual people who will fuck anything, anyone, anytime, including kids.

And yes, if you look at the common child molester, they are in fact bisexual. Most molesters who molest boys are usually married or date women.

You would think that as a gay man you would know better than to say shit like this, especially since this is the exact same shit that homophobes like to say. First off, a lot of people who are bi aren't hypersexual beings. Secondly, child molesters marrying or dating women doesn't magically make them bi. A lot of child molesters aren't even attracted to children for crying out loud, with many of them suffering from impulse issues or taking advantage of children (regardless of gender) in order to assert dominance. The gender doesn't matter to them, not because they are bi, but because true sexual attraction is irrelevant to them. These people are usually just opportunists.


If you are going to be a biphobic dumbass, then either keep that to yourself or don't bother coming onto this site. I don't understand why people like you think that you can come onto a site where a lot of people, including bi people, are here due to mental health issues and spend your time spreading your pathetic discriminatory rhetoric. Fuck off, this shit isn't welcomed on here.

 

[AmericanMary]

You would think that as a gay man you would know better than to say shit like this, especially since this is the exact same shit that homophobes like to say. First off, a lot of people who are bi aren't hypersexual beings. Secondly, child molesters marrying or dating women doesn't magically make them bi. A lot of child molesters aren't even attracted to children for crying out loud, with many of them suffering from impulse issues or taking advantage of children (regardless of gender) in order to assert dominance. The gender doesn't matter to them, not because they are bi, but because true sexual attraction is irrelevant to them. These people are usually just opportunists.


If you are going to be a biphobic dumbass, then either keep that to yourself or don't bother coming onto this site. I don't understand why people like you think that you can come onto a site where a lot of people, including bi people, are here due to mental health issues and spend your time spreading your pathetic discriminatory rhetoric. Fuck off, this site isn't welcomed on here.

This is well said.

 

[peerlesscucumber]

You're not going to find someone with an answer to your problem because if an answer existed then you would not be on here. All you're going to get are lectures and finger wagging from people about your life when they have never walked a day in your shoes. I have found that most "pedos" are not true pedos. They're usually bisexual people who will fuck anything, anyone, anytime, including kids. Very few people have an authentic attraction to kids. I don't have an answer but would say that if you are a true pedophile then you might be a ticking timebomb before offending despite being a strong person. I will be blunt though - if you feel like you're going to offend, then death is better than going through the system with a child sex charge. You will lose your dignity, privacy, opportunities (i.e. employment, housing, etc) and the respect of those who love you. I am not saying that committing a sex crime isn't worth it - I am saying that it's not worth living if you even think you might commit a crime. Don't get into the mindset that you have it under control because you probably don't.

That's what I've been planning to do. If I don't get any better soon then I'll blow my brains out before ever getting near a child.

I just felt like I had to take this off my chest. Never have I admitted this out loud nor written it down so I just felt like I was about to burst huhu

By the way, I personally identify as Bisexual, and I can say that what I feel with this topic isn't the same I feel when I am attracted to someone my age

 

[EvisceratedJester]

That's what I've been planning to do. If I don't get any better soon then I'll blow my brains out before ever getting near a child.

I just felt like I had to take this off my chest. Never have I admitted this out loud nor written it down so I just felt like I was about to burst huhu

By the way, I personally identify as Bisexual, and I can say that what I feel with this topic isn't the same I feel when I am attracted to someone my age

First off, do not listen to anything that dude has to say. He isn't qualified to say shit.

Secondly, have you tried telling a professional about these thoughts? They may actually just be symptoms of something like OCD or they may even just be normal dark/immoral sexual fantasies (which are common and not a big deal so long as you don't ever feel an urge to act these fantasies out irl). They also might be due to trauma. I think it would be better to see someone first before you do anything drastic.

 

[peerlesscucumber]

First off, do not listen to anything that dude has to say. He isn't qualified to say shit.

Secondly, have you tried telling a professional about these thoughts? They may actually just be symptoms of something like OCD or they may even just be normal dark/immoral sexual fantasies (which are common and not a big deal so long as you don't ever feel an urge to act these fantasies out irl). They also might be due to trauma. I think it would be better to see someone first before you do anything drastic.

First, don't worry, my plans and suicide are for me and for me only to decide. If I were to try to kill mysslf every time someone tells me to I would have been dead years ago.

And secondly, I sadly don't have access to psychological help at all. It's too expensive and I wouldn't be able to cost it if we take into account the economical state of my family. Plus (it may sound kind of stupid) I would like to go without ever making my mental issues evident. It's kind of selfish, but I don't want anyone to know I was struggling so that my memory can stick even more to them :bb

 

[lacrimosa]

That's what I've been planning to do. If I don't get any better soon then I'll blow my brains out before ever getting near a child.

I just felt like I had to take this off my chest. Never have I admitted this out loud nor written it down so I just felt like I was about to burst huhu

By the way, I personally identify as Bisexual, and I can say that what I feel with this topic isn't the same I feel when I am attracted to someone my age

Before you do anything to harm yourself, please seek counselling.

You're not alone when it comes to intrusive thoughts. Many people have different intrusive thoughts and don't act upon them. You're not a monster, and you sound like this has caused you immense psychological suffering and I am sorry for that.

I hope you can get counselling and can discuss these thoughts and how to cope with them.

Intrusive thought - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

I wish you the best!

 

[AmericanMary]

megankuzelka on TikTok talks a lot about OCD struggles. She has talked a little bit about pOCD. That might be a good place to turn to see if you resonate.

 

[notmyusername]

Hey, I am sorry you are battling this. Like others have said, this could be sexual OCD due to trauma or something. I don't think there is shame in getting help, but I understand how difficult it could be since these thoughts are so taboo. I have had taboo sexual thoughts myself involving incest. It happened after seeing my mother's nude photos and videos. My body felt numb, and I think that moment literally rewired my brain. I would like to offer my support if you ever feel the need someone to talk to without judgement.

 

[ferrie]

First, don't worry, my plans and suicide are for me and for me only to decide. If I were to try to kill mysslf every time someone tells me to I would have been dead years ago.

And secondly, I sadly don't have access to psychological help at all. It's too expensive and I wouldn't be able to cost it if we take into account the economical state of my family. Plus (it may sound kind of stupid) I would like to go without ever making my mental issues evident. It's kind of selfish, but I don't want anyone to know I was struggling so that my memory can stick even more to them :bb

Some clinics have a sliding pay scale for people who are unable to afford services or who don't have insurance. There might also be nonprofits who are able to assist with costs in your area. I don't know what country you're in, but that could be worth looking into. If therapy is absolutely off the table, there are some books I might be able to recommend if you would be open to that

 

[EvisceratedJester]

And secondly, I sadly don't have access to psychological help at all. It's too expensive and I wouldn't be able to cost it if we take into account the economical state of my family. Plus (it may sound kind of stupid) I would like to go without ever making my mental issues evident. It's kind of selfish, but I don't want anyone to know I was struggling so that my memory can stick even more to them :bb

Are there any potential community/social programs that might be able to offer you some counselling either for free or at a low price? I know that in my country we have a few that are set up online, including one by the government. Maybe you could try looking around online and seeing if there are some that are offered in your country? You'll also get the benefit of not having to tell your family anything either.

 

[derpyderpins]

My stance has always been that thoughts alone cannot be evil, and in fact resisting temptation - however twisted - is evidence of good.

And I fucking hate people who do stuff to children more than I could ever hate anyone else. So, that's my bias. Hang in there fam.

 

[dopaminedeath]

b4uact has a lot of useful information and stories of hope for non violent pedophiles like you. as someone else in the thread said, pedophile =/= child molester, you still are able to live a normal life despite it.

 

[peerlesscucumber]

Are there any potential community/social programs that might be able to offer you some counselling either for free or at a low price? I know that in my country we have a few that are set up online, including one by the government. Maybe you could try looking around online and seeing if there are some that are offered in your country? You'll also get the benefit of not having to tell your family anything either.

Some clinics have a sliding pay scale for people who are unable to afford services or who don't have insurance. There might also be nonprofits who are able to assist with costs in your area. I don't know what country you're in, but that could be worth looking into. If therapy is absolutely off the table, there are some books I might be able to recommend if you would be open to that

I've looked around everywhere!! What I managed to find is very scarce and there's pretty much no programs that i could have access to without endangering me either getting locked up in a psych ward or my family being notified :b

(Btw, the book recs would be very welcome)

 

[_Minsk]

im sorry you have to deal with this. Imo there's no issue as long as people don't act on their urges

 

[peerlesscucumber]

Do the thoughts directly involve children? It's it's just some crazy stuff with adults?

if they do not involved children & if you have ever been diagnosed with OCD, pOCD is a very real thing. It's where you convince yourself you're a pedo, but you're not.

Yes, 9 out of 10 times they involve children in violent sexual scenarios.

I've sadly never been able to get professional help, but I will look into the ocd criteria. Thank you

 

[ferrie]

I've looked around everywhere!! What I managed to find is very scarce and there's pretty much no programs that i could have access to without endangering me either getting locked up in a psych ward or my family being notified :b

(Btw, the book recs would be very welcome)

I'm gonna recommend a mix of books about OCD, POCD, and sexual trauma. I recommend reading through summaries & reviews to see if any seem like they would resonate with you.

If you exhibit symptoms of OCD without much of the physical compulsions, it may be Pure O OCD. My therapist strongly recommends Pure O OCD: Letting Go of Obsessive Thoughts with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by Chad LeJeune PhD.

In regards to POCD, there is Unshackle from POCD by Dr. Sunil Punjabi. I haven't read this specific book, but Dr. Punjabi is a specialist in ERP, and I know someone with OCD who strongly recommends his Overcoming OCD series. He also will be releasing a book about sexual intrusive thoughts with OCD sometime in the future.

It's not specific to POCD, but the workbook that friend uses is The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder by Bruce Hyman PhD & Cherry Pedrick RN.

For generalized sexual intrusive thoughts there is Sexual OCD Recovery by Ali Greymond.

It's hard to recommend books about sexual trauma without knowing the circumstances. I won't ask for details. However I will provide this list from Columbia University that I think is a good starting point for many different walks of life. My favorites from the list are Dear Sister: Letters from Survivors of Sexual Violence and I Never Told Anyone - Writings by Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse.

My DMs are also always open if you would ever like to vent or want help finding more resources

 

[Davey36000]

Just do chemical castration. I think it's a pill or w/e, it's not permanent or invasive as far as I know.

Besides, thoughts are just thoughts.

 

[Hotsackage]

Def ocd, it is a brutal disorder

 

[potablewater784]

I can only imagine how difficult that would be. In general, people make pedophiles out to be monsters for the mere fact of their attraction to children. However, it's not your choice and so it's not fair to make any moral judgement about you for it. There is a world of difference between you and someone who actually abuses kids.

Also, people who tell you to kill yourself for being a pedophile are ignorant and you should try to not let them bother you. They confuse "pedophile" with "child-molester". They don't understand the struggle.

I don't know how things are where you live, but from my experience therapists/support groups/etc. generally won't lock you up unless they believe there to be some imminent danger to you or others. Simply discussing your thoughts (no matter how horrible) shouldn't be enough for that. However, things might be different where you're from. If you feel comfortable doing so, this might help you develop coping mechanisms.

I hope you're well. Remember that none of this makes you a bad person.

 

[peerlesscucumber]

I don't know how things are where you live, but from my experience therapists/support groups/etc. generally won't lock you up unless they believe there to be some imminent danger to you or others. Simply discussing your thoughts (no matter how horrible) shouldn't be enough for that. However, things might be different where you're from. If you feel comfortable doing so, this might help you develop coping mechanisms.

I'm quite sure my country works under the same system, but because of my impending Self-harm addiction, checking out a professional would be just a one way ticket to Make-my-family-know-about-my-suicide-town

 

[dying flower]

This is one of the main reasons I think I'm drawn to CBT.
I don't know if this developed because of my past traumas and high exposure to porn media back when I was very young, but these thoughts have plagued me for years, even before puberty.

It's not only attraction, these thoughts and images of me doing these terrible things to Innocent people. And sometimes, I even catch myself enjoying them like the sicko I am

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't ever do these things to anyone in real life, but I just had to take this off my chest. I've been told off by many because of my weird sexual tastes since I was born a woman, so I never had the chance to even hint to anyone of my sick thoughts

I honestly think that there are so many people out there with the weirdest/ strangest,call it what you,want sexual thoughts and more than likely never engage in it. Just a thought

 

[needthebus]

I'm quite sure my country works under the same system, but because of my impending Self-harm addiction, checking out a professional would be just a one way ticket to Make-my-family-know-about-my-suicide-town

do you have problems inhibiting impulses generally?

like when I am shopping, I sometimes think "why do I work so hard and pay for things? I could just steal this shit!" and then I fantasize about putting a large can of pringles under my jacket and running out the store

i don't actually steal things. i just like the idea of it. I probably won't ever go to a store and steal chips and I will literally always fantasize about shop-lifting, like that will never stop. it also doesn't bother me. i think stealing is unethical, so i'm not going to steal chips unless it's a really bad situation (like i am hungry, out of work, and have no money and don't have any way to make money at all)

Are you someone that is good at controlling impulses? Like if you thought about stealing chips, would you likely at some point say "fuck it, I need those chips!" If you are at a bar or getting intoxicated, do you think "I probably shouldn't have 1 more, but fuck it!" Do you ever think "I need to eat healthier, but I'm going to buy a bag of candy and eat all of it!"

Are you someone who can't control your urges?

 

[atdusk]

I can relate because I was scared of the fantasies of domination I had as a child and I have always thought of myself as someone who is protecting others from them.

I saw this movie when I was very concerned about the "being a monster" thing. Maybe it helps.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Woodsman_(film)