I Think I May Have CPTSD

[socrates]

My girlfriend suggested I might have it. It makes a lot of sense. I never feel safe, I constantly feel like I'm about to loose everything. I feel an indescribable amount of self hate and shame.

I guess the key is self acceptance, but it's hard to do that when A) you feel like you don't deserve to recover B) Things are gonna go to pot anyway so what's the point, and C) all of this is your fault anyway and nobody would have any sympathy for you,

 

[timf]

Sometimes reading about history can be useful. When you discover what screw ups everyone was, it can help take a little of the pressure off. You might not feel better about yourself, but in contrast to "important" people in the past you will shine like a light.

 

[CravingPeace]

It definitely sounds like you do have CPTSD. I have been formally diagnosed and it was based on exactly what you described -hypervigilance, insurmountable self loathing and shame.

I am currently enrolled in EMDR therapy. I can't say if it's useful yet, as I'm just getting started (6ish weeks), but it is definitely uncovering a large swath of internal feelings and thought processes that are based in traumatic experiences as a child/teen. Things I have blocked off from my memory. I guess, the first step of fixing a problem is to identify and understand the root cause.

If you're able, try looking into it. It's pretty interesting