I think about it all the time now

[prototypian]

I'm better off than most. So what do I have to whine about. I have a job; two jobs really. I have a spouse and a normal mid class life. But all my brain thinks about is suicide. I feel like everythjng is hopeless all the time. Nothing matters, I sit and imagine how worthless the world is and how useless the chasing of money and trying to out compete everyone in everythjng and how little relationships matter and I always return to suicide. Now even when times are good I go to suicide because it's the only track in my head. I've tried unsuccessfully twice, been institutionalized once and everyone checks all the time and I tell them everything is fine but I hate life.

 

[simonttt]

I completly see myself in what you describe. It's so present all the time that it's hard to understand where the emptiness starts. I often feel like it's just the natural reaction of a human brain, to just shut down when facing all of this bulshit day to day. In some weird way it makes me think I'm healthy to not be able to accept that..

 

[mikidagreen]

same, married normal job all of that but as each day passes i just get more irritable and mad at the world before spiraling fully into depression. i think some people are just hardwired for suicide.

 

[prototypian]

I notice that there must be a huge group of the population wired for cognitive dissonance for whom it's very easy to face enormous disconnects and not worry about them at all. The company I work for just announced record profits and record money plowed into stock buybacks while also cutting 20 percent of the workforce in order to stay competitive. That was in the annual report and in our messages delivered to us the message was fear and being nimble because the market is becoming more and more competitive. Our shareholders and executives are making hundreds of millions of dollars, the company has record profits and we should all be concerned that we have too much work and we should be nimble because of a competitive market?

Everything the IT department sends out lately is "in order to protect our company…" and it's always "alll software is being removed from your computers"

HR cuts the coffee service saying "this will enable us to be more competitive".

And that's just work. I forget whom we are at war with. I'm surprised congress doesn't just invest directly in high value companies with massive grants. I don't understand anymore.

 

[areagarden]

Suicide is so all consuming for me I dont know who I am without it anymore