I strangely feel nothing...

[whispers-of-sanity]

I own a book called Five Last Acts. It's the book that introduced me to the helium hood and several other methods that I'm trying to become familiar with before my not-so-grand exit. Unfortunately, I keep losing the thing, which is almost suspicious because I swear I own several copies. But that's not the point. The point is that I'm typing the whole thing in Microsoft Word and saving it on my Google Docs so I never lose that information again, meaning that I have to READ the entire thing again while I type.

What's getting me is that helium has been my go-to for the past forever, but whenever I read the helium chapter, I'd bawl my eyes out at the description of the old man who told his wife it was Time and she left to go "walk in the park" while he caught the bus via helium. My ex desperately didn't want me to leave this plane and was extremely emotional whenever I brought up that that was how I wanted to go out. So I got emotional too, though I was usually drunk. (She was a terrible sponsor tbh)

So now I'm here with 17,000 words into the book and and have two tanks of helium and and I am definitely not sober and I feel absolutely nothing despite the "tethers" that I have in my life. I have plenty of people who love me and animals that are not exactly easy to take care of (Though one of the easiest ones died two or three weeks ago... Rest in peace, Shaquille) but I'm just thoroughly done and I don't know what to make of it. I used to care so much about being alive for her because she was so awful at being an adult (And still is? She begged me for money a few months ago so she could somewhat pay her electric bill, although I suspect she was actually going to spend the money on weed) but now she's out there on her own with no need for me, so I guess I also have no need for her.

Sorry for venting and everything. I just wanted a place to put my thoughts. I'm not so used to feeling EVERYTHING but here I am instead.. I just don't really know where to go from here but only other suicidal people would really get it, I think.

So throw your thoughts and opinions in here, I guess. I'm interested to see what poeple think of the situation. I'm happy to clarify whatever.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Holding on for the sake of others is complicated. I'm also doing so- not so much in terms of being physically relied upon but, the emotional damage I fear my suicide might cause.

I also get tearful thinking about suicide. I'm not entirely sure why either. I don't think it's a personal attachment to life or people- as harsh as that may sound. Once my Dad is gone, most others are estranged now. Not in a bitter way just, drifted apart. I think really it's more my own attitude towards death. Death is hurtful. I've mourned a lot of people in my life. It's maybe presumptious to think they may mourn the same for me but I suppose it's that worry that some might- even just briefly. I find myself crying for them, imagining them (possibly) crying for me.

I suppose the feeling that they won't to the same extent (once my Dad has gone,) makes me open to doing it though. My losses were literally multiple close family members before I'd reached 10. Plus, I don't have a partner or dependents. So, hopefully it won't be so intense. Death and parting is just generally sad though. I'll easily cry at films, books, even music that reminds me of loss.