Venting i should be getting better (i am not)

[v0id]

the truth is that, my life is going great this year. at least objectively. i achieved the stuff i wanted to achieve (big and small ones), i met great people, and most of all, which i wasn't able to accept for the longest time—i am loved. i am in a better location, the one i daydreamed for years. i experienced new things. i mostly got what i wanted, or at least those that matter the most. i should BE better.

but no, i am not. i don't fucking know what's wrong with me at this point. i looked back at this year's events and there were great things but i was in my head all the time. my friend told me it was my year. yet i still feel the exact same as i did all these years ago. the same horrible, heavy, and doomed feeling was constant throughout my years and it might have eased during good moments but it comes back HARD as soon as they ended.

to be honest, i don't think i will ever get better so long as i live with this fucked head. no matter how much good things happen, i will not be able to experience them completely as long as i am myself. i should be good by now but i have never wanted to kill myself this much until this year.

 

[identitycrisis]

i don't think i will ever get better so long as i live with this fucked head. no matter how much good things happen, i will not be able to experience them completely as long as i am myself.

i feel the exact same way. i try to hold out hope that there is a fix for this. but i've searched long and far to no avail.