DoomedDarkCircles
too many secrets, please make it good tonight
- Feb 23, 2024
- 87
i finally snapped and told things i've keeping to myself for two tears to some distant friends about some guy in their circle I despise did (like making what seems to be involuntary pornography of women on internet when he was 21y and he's 27 now and still being kinda weird about woman) but I fucking humiliated myself in a way I never ever did before. I could just move on, ignore them and this guy, but I couldn't stop thinking about those things. This issue was already acknowledged by them because I told one friend of mine (who is kinda still my friend) to tell them about the issue but in the end the guy just apologized for the things he did in the past and everyone moved on.
I know I am emotionally unstable and when I'm overwhelmed I tend to see things in black or white. Still, fuck, I don't understand how they can still be super friends with him like he wasn't some kind of hidden incel who pretend to be a nice guy. I dispise him and I know I'm obsessed with make him suffer because I am kinda shitty myself and I'm stuck with maybe an hate-love feeling about him (we had an situationship two years ago before I have known about this stuff) even if I have a perfect boyfriend who cares about me.
Everyone just probably thinks I am a cruel and instable person (and maybe I am but) and thinks my boyfriend is an possessive jerk because of some things on the past between him and that guy. But of course, the guy is a friend and he can just change!
I brought pain to my boyfriend (it was not cheating, but I got confused in our relationship and due that we broke up and I got with that other guy and later we came back it's a confusing story, and my boyfriend still supports me even with all that) I make problems for everyone, I probably lost my friend from that group and I specially hurt myself. I feel cornered.
I constantly think about killing myself with SN, but I assured myself that I would at least defend my final paper in graduation and would wait an year for my official graduation. There is things I look forward to. I want to finish Persona 5, I want to play Postal (1997) and Fear and Hunger, I want to listen to albums I didn't listen to yet, I want to cosplay Kris from Deltarune and I want to make some cinematography, since I have acting classes. August 16th is my birthday, and I planned to cosplay Miku in an event and later eat pizza with my parents and boyfriend, people who really love me. I also have friends who I love, and I was planning to see them later on august. Maybe, when I get a job after defending my final paper, I could try to visit some city on my country since I barely had the chance. I want to see the giant aquarium and the museum! But now I'm cornered and I ruined everything. I exploded and ruined everything like I always do. If I could only be a fucking normal person and express my feelings normally and have an functional brain. I feel I need to die now, kinda of against my will. To continue living right now feels painful, but dying when I still want to do things feels painful too. Couldn't everybody just stop existing for a while?
I don't know what to do. I could get some help or just take that SN and die already
if I try to SN in a motel, I CAN'T fail. If I fail, I probably will go on being miserable and probably won't be able to finish my final paper in time AGAIN (i'm already one extra semester doing the final paper I can't have another one)
I know I am emotionally unstable and when I'm overwhelmed I tend to see things in black or white. Still, fuck, I don't understand how they can still be super friends with him like he wasn't some kind of hidden incel who pretend to be a nice guy. I dispise him and I know I'm obsessed with make him suffer because I am kinda shitty myself and I'm stuck with maybe an hate-love feeling about him (we had an situationship two years ago before I have known about this stuff) even if I have a perfect boyfriend who cares about me.
Everyone just probably thinks I am a cruel and instable person (and maybe I am but) and thinks my boyfriend is an possessive jerk because of some things on the past between him and that guy. But of course, the guy is a friend and he can just change!
I brought pain to my boyfriend (it was not cheating, but I got confused in our relationship and due that we broke up and I got with that other guy and later we came back it's a confusing story, and my boyfriend still supports me even with all that) I make problems for everyone, I probably lost my friend from that group and I specially hurt myself. I feel cornered.
I constantly think about killing myself with SN, but I assured myself that I would at least defend my final paper in graduation and would wait an year for my official graduation. There is things I look forward to. I want to finish Persona 5, I want to play Postal (1997) and Fear and Hunger, I want to listen to albums I didn't listen to yet, I want to cosplay Kris from Deltarune and I want to make some cinematography, since I have acting classes. August 16th is my birthday, and I planned to cosplay Miku in an event and later eat pizza with my parents and boyfriend, people who really love me. I also have friends who I love, and I was planning to see them later on august. Maybe, when I get a job after defending my final paper, I could try to visit some city on my country since I barely had the chance. I want to see the giant aquarium and the museum! But now I'm cornered and I ruined everything. I exploded and ruined everything like I always do. If I could only be a fucking normal person and express my feelings normally and have an functional brain. I feel I need to die now, kinda of against my will. To continue living right now feels painful, but dying when I still want to do things feels painful too. Couldn't everybody just stop existing for a while?
I don't know what to do. I could get some help or just take that SN and die already
if I try to SN in a motel, I CAN'T fail. If I fail, I probably will go on being miserable and probably won't be able to finish my final paper in time AGAIN (i'm already one extra semester doing the final paper I can't have another one)
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