almaPerdida
"Oh God, I’m so depressed." - Marvin
- Nov 24, 2023
- 152
English is not my native language so sorry for any typos.
I feel like such an idiot. I've been feeling suicidal since i was like 16, but decided to enjoy life before trying to CTB. When i became 22 i was thinking "hey, maybe now it's a good time, i feel like i've done everything i wanted". But at the same time, i felt really bad for my parents, brother and friends. I kept pushing for a little while, thinking that maybe things would get better. That this boredom would go away, and i had hope that i'd achieve my dreams and become successful, that everything would fall into place.
It's been three years now, and that hope hasn't lead me anywhere. I wish i had CTB sooner, and i had plenty of opportunies to do so and thought "what if i do it now?". I know now that my parents will be better off without me, i'm not the son they wanted and never will be. They never wanted a gay son... Now my next chance will be in ~2 months and i promised myself i won't chicken out this time. I had hope and all i've done is extend my suffering, always thinking of the pain that i would inflict in those next to me. But these next two months will be my prep before my official attempt. On the brightside, its really easy getting SN in Brazil, so at least i'm more informed about the method now.
I think i wouldn't do it if i'd get a job opportunity in my area, but it's such a hard one to get a job without experience, and i really don't wanna live a life with a job that i hate. If i had CTB sooner, my suffering would've ended long ago. I wish i didn't let this hope get me this far, i wish i didn't worry about people this much. But i'm done now. I will finish my letter soon and set a plan so i will finally be done with this. I feel like i tried enough, i worked and studied, and i did what i could. I don't feel like a victim and i think i could achieve more if i wanted, but i lack the will. I'm just tired now.
Thanks for reading all this.
I feel like such an idiot. I've been feeling suicidal since i was like 16, but decided to enjoy life before trying to CTB. When i became 22 i was thinking "hey, maybe now it's a good time, i feel like i've done everything i wanted". But at the same time, i felt really bad for my parents, brother and friends. I kept pushing for a little while, thinking that maybe things would get better. That this boredom would go away, and i had hope that i'd achieve my dreams and become successful, that everything would fall into place.
It's been three years now, and that hope hasn't lead me anywhere. I wish i had CTB sooner, and i had plenty of opportunies to do so and thought "what if i do it now?". I know now that my parents will be better off without me, i'm not the son they wanted and never will be. They never wanted a gay son... Now my next chance will be in ~2 months and i promised myself i won't chicken out this time. I had hope and all i've done is extend my suffering, always thinking of the pain that i would inflict in those next to me. But these next two months will be my prep before my official attempt. On the brightside, its really easy getting SN in Brazil, so at least i'm more informed about the method now.
I think i wouldn't do it if i'd get a job opportunity in my area, but it's such a hard one to get a job without experience, and i really don't wanna live a life with a job that i hate. If i had CTB sooner, my suffering would've ended long ago. I wish i didn't let this hope get me this far, i wish i didn't worry about people this much. But i'm done now. I will finish my letter soon and set a plan so i will finally be done with this. I feel like i tried enough, i worked and studied, and i did what i could. I don't feel like a victim and i think i could achieve more if i wanted, but i lack the will. I'm just tired now.
Thanks for reading all this.
