Venting I really hate myself

[Kuolema]

Idk if anyone will read this but I just want to type. I have schizophrenia. Have been hospitalized many times for psychosis. I'm getting worse as I get older and do more drugs. I don't really care about getting better anymore. I gave up on that a long time ago. I attempted earlier this year. Took a shit tonne of seroquel but chickened out and called an ambulence. Had a seizure in the hospital. Now my chest is fucked and I struggle to breath. I spend everyday by myself reading about random shit and trying to get my next high. I have no purpose in this world. I'm not against life. It's beautiful when lived correctly. Laughing with friends, falling in love, having children... Im not on of these pessimists who hate everything about life. I hate my life not life in general. If I could live like a normal person I wouldn't be on this site. But I'm incapable of that. I'm a fuck up in every way. And to top it all off I'm a shitty person as well. There is no reason anyone should feel sorry for me. I just need to go asap.

 

[Taki]

I hear you and generally feel the same about my own life, even though I have very different problems.

 

[Huntfish34]

Same for me..... Hear you and Generally agree with my own different problems / experiences. Life can be so Beautiful, with awesome and amazing times to be had..... But I also dont feel I deserve them and must leave ASAP.

I wish you nothing but the best, in whatever may happen.

Thoughts and prayers,

Butch

 

[Life_and_Death]

i understand the feeling having hallucinations myself i wish i had some way to help but i just keep telling myself they arent real, sadly the brain and heart dont talk very well so while one might know that, its different to feel that. easier said then done basically

 

[FuneralCry]

Living really can be painful. It can be hard when we are constantly suffering and in a hopeless situation, I get that. I wish you the best.

 

[motel rooms]

I'm sorry you hate yourself. It's not your fault you have schizophrenia & you don't deserve to suffer

 

[Freelyffe88]

Idk if anyone will read this but I just want to type. I have schizophrenia. Have been hospitalized many times for psychosis. I'm getting worse as I get older and do more drugs. I don't really care about getting better anymore. I gave up on that a long time ago. I attempted earlier this year. Took a shit tonne of seroquel but chickened out and called an ambulence. Had a seizure in the hospital. Now my chest is fucked and I struggle to breath. I spend everyday by myself reading about random shit and trying to get my next high. I have no purpose in this world. I'm not against life. It's beautiful when lived correctly. Laughing with friends, falling in love, having children... Im not on of these pessimists who hate everything about life. I hate my life not life in general. If I could live like a normal person I wouldn't be on this site. But I'm incapable of that. I'm a fuck up in every way. And to top it all off I'm a shitty person as well. There is no reason anyone should feel sorry for me. I just need to go asap.

If you can, try to find peace with yourself, whether you decide to CTB or continue living your life. It's easy to get down on yourself and have regrets and what not, but honestly a lot, if not all of it, isn't your fault. I personally think that free will is an illusion. We're born into this life and our environment shapes us. Whatever choices we make are based on gazillions of these environmental variables, giving us this illusion of choice. But either way, based on the sound of it, you've been dealt a bunk hand in terms of your health. It's obviously easier said than done, but try not to listen to the negative voices in your head telling you negative things about yourself. Try to focus on the positives and what you like about yourself.
In reflection of my life it's easy to have certain regrets about the choices I've made, but the one thing I always come back to is, I'm thankful for my outlooks on various aspects of the world/life/etc. If I could go back and make decisions that would have made my life happier, I wouldn't do it if in the process I wouldn't come to the various truths that I've come to in the path that I walked. For me at least, it kind of feels like I choose the red pill. It's made life much more difficult, but I wouldn't change it. But don't beat up on yourself... it really isn't your fault.