I place too much of my worth on men

[miles-away]

Pathetic but it's the truth. This is my 2nd relationship in which I've become deeply codependent on a man and I now wait all day for his call. We are in long distance relationship and to be completely honest, I ain't cut out for this shit. Waiting for his call is a type of hell and sends my anxiety spiraling. Some nights he doesn't call. Wednesday, for some odd reason, he never calls. But we usually talk all day on weekends and on the days he has off. He'll usually text me good morning and that's pretty much it. We use to text during the day but after I saw him in person, he doesn't really text me during the day anymore. We haven't texted each other at all today. I've been told by many people that I should be grateful for a call a night. "Why are women so needy?!?!" I keep getting asked. It doesn't feel like enough but I doubt anything will.

All I've ever wanted was to be someone's wife. To be the trophy housewife taking care of someone's kids. I'm too impatient and I don't like sex that much to "have fun" in a relationship. I date to marry. I'd like to marry the man who took my virginity. And it's psychotic to say that because I've only been dating this man for two months. A man who has routinely disappointed me and was mean to me when he was drunk.

I don't mean to give myself a victim complex. But I go out of my way to present myself as submissive and passive as possible. I never disagree with these men, I like everything they like, I agree with them politically. I lovebomb them, to be honest. And in return, I feel as though I get next to nothing.

I wish I could hold myself on my own. I wish I had an identity of my own that didn't revolve around my bf and making sure he was happy, wondering when/if he's gonna call. I wish I had actually hobbies and talents to go back to. But I can't because I become obsessed with the person I'm dating. I'm willing to thrust myself into a completely different career than I had planned just so I can be somewhere close to him.

 

[Dejected 55]

I don't know if this will mean anything... but, as a man I don't define my worth by whether or not a woman likes or or the fact that I've never been in a relationship or how lonely I am.

I know I have a lot of good points and offer a lot in a relationship to a woman. My being alone doesn't make me worthless. However, no matter what my opinion of myself is, without anyone to share my life and myself with... I do not feel like I am the best version of myself. I know I would be better in a partnership.

So, just like it doesn't matter if I have skills and confidence if no one is hiring... it doesn't matter if I'm a good man if there isn't a woman who thinks I am a good man for her.

My point here is... while I believe you should (as you are saying about yourself) try not to define your own sense of worth by others. It may or may not make you any happier to like and value yourself if you find yourself alone anyway.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Pathetic but it's the truth. This is my 2nd relationship in which I've become deeply codependent on a man and I now wait all day for his call. We are in long distance relationship and to be completely honest, I ain't cut out for this shit. Waiting for his call is a type of hell and sends my anxiety spiraling. Some nights he doesn't call. Wednesday, for some odd reason, he never calls. But we usually talk all day on weekends and on the days he has off. He'll usually text me good morning and that's pretty much it. We use to text during the day but after I saw him in person, he doesn't really text me during the day anymore. We haven't texted each other at all today. I've been told by many people that I should be grateful for a call a night. "Why are women so needy?!?!" I keep getting asked. It doesn't feel like enough but I doubt anything will.

All I've ever wanted was to be someone's wife. To be the trophy housewife taking care of someone's kids. I'm too impatient and I don't like sex that much to "have fun" in a relationship. I date to marry. I'd like to marry the man who took my virginity. And it's psychotic to say that because I've only been dating this man for two months. A man who has routinely disappointed me and was mean to me when he was drunk.

I don't mean to give myself a victim complex. But I go out of my way to present myself as submissive and passive as possible. I never disagree with these men, I like everything they like, I agree with them politically. I lovebomb them, to be honest. And in return, I feel as though I get next to nothing.

I wish I could hold myself on my own. I wish I had an identity of my own that didn't revolve around my bf and making sure he was happy, wondering when/if he's gonna call. I wish I had actually hobbies and talents to go back to. But I can't because I become obsessed with the person I'm dating. I'm willing to thrust myself into a completely different career than I had planned just so I can be somewhere close to him.

I appreciate your honesty. But you have to really stop pursuing men who do not have a future with you in mind. You're seeing your goal, you're not seeing the person you're dating... You're seeing Mrs.____ and it's unhealthy. And while I think you could make someone very happy... At what cost? When you romanticize some life event or role or goal, it almost always sets you up for disappointment.

 

[miles-away]

I appreciate your honesty. But you have to really stop pursuing men who do not have a future with you in mind. You're seeing your goal, you're not seeing the person you're dating... You're seeing Mrs.____ and it's unhealthy. And while I think you could make someone very happy... At what cost? When you romanticize some life event or role or goal, it almost always sets you up for disappointment.

Nah, you're totally right. I realize on some base level that if I lived out my tradwife fantasy, I'd grow to resent it and be bitter. I don't know if I'm dating a man who has no future with me rn. But our relationship does feels unbalanced and I'm sure he's aware of that. He went to college, has a good job, has had previous girlfriends who were more accomplished than me. And I'm still struggling in college, had a loser of an ex boyfriend and I'm in a minimum wage job.