Venting I never should have existed

[futileflutters]

I fucking hate myself in every way shape and form. Who I am and how I appear both make me sick to the point of throwing up. One of these days I'll reach my limit and the only person holding me back won't be enough anymore. I love her with all of my being but I don't know how anyone can do it. How the fuck am I supposed to wake up and go to some pointless bullshit day after day just to prevent myself from becoming homeless and starving to death when I want so badly to die? I am worthless and disgusting, I should be put down. Years of fucking starving myself, for what? I start eating one full meal a day and I just keep gaining weight. Years of discomfort, fucked up teeth, just for all that fucking effort to be gone in a few months. I feel sick eating. Now I look at myself and hate myself for it even more than before. I don't look at other people like this so why do I look at myself like this? Ugh. How anybody can even begin to tolerate my existence is a bewildering mystery and I can't begin to understand it. I have mood swings like a roller coaster thanks to a lovely personality disorder courtesy of my parents and their abusive bullshit, but they don't even remember that because it was no big deal. Other side effects may include: Constant emptiness, no matter what I do, watching a tv show, listening to music, playing a game, and being in a voice call it never fucking leaves me. At least I know that'll never leave, yay. With a side of intrusive thoughts, can't function like a normal person because I see something sharp, I want to cut my throat with it, I see a gun and I want to grab it and blow my brains out with it. Too much social anxiety and awkwardness to make friends. Being trans I always feel like I'm intruding everywhere. I feel like I make people uncomfortable and I am weird and gross and I should just hide myself away till I fucking rot.
Why did I have to exist? I never should have. I wish I was aborted. I hop somebody blows my fucking brains out. I can feel how it would feel to pull the hammer on the gun, I want that nap of nonexistence.

 

[Bullit]

Have you been getting medical care? Maybe your endocrine system is fucked up? Or hormones. I hope you find a good way to get better. I know that sounds dumb,sorry. I wish you peace,friend.

 

[deathisnear]

I feel every word of this post, you're not alone. I hope you get the peace you deserve soon, I hope I do too.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really can be a hell. Nobody deserves the suffering that this life has given them
Death really comforts me as I know it is the only way for me to find peace. I ask myself a
all the time 'why did I have to exist'. Existence is just so pointless. I wish you the best.

 

[WornOutLife]

I wonder the same, my friend. "Why do I have to exist? Why wasn't my brother enough?"

Yet, here I am. (I dunno for how much longer, though)