I never feel safe

[The Subhuman]

I've been fumbling through these last few months trying to find meaning and purpose, and while things have been bad I haven't been to the psych ward since so that's good atleast. The problem is that I always feel scared in some capacity, I always feel physically unsafe. My therapist says this might be related to trauma but I can't make it stop. It makes me wish I could stay in the psych ward forever. It makes me want to escape and go somewhere. I'm stuck living in my own head. It feels like panic that doens't subside.
I'm constantly scratching my body or itching to try and get this pain out. Sometimes I just do it as a form of stress relief. Right now is one of those times.
I feel like I'm going insane. I don't have active plans to ctb but I do have very intense visions sometimes.
I feel like this might be due to my hoarding, and that if I cut down or threw more stuff out then I'd feel freer and less cluttered both physically and mentally. It's certainly an interesting theory but I haven't had the energy to go about it. All my energy goes into panicking and wishful thinking.

 

[FlufflesAway]

Very relatable, though even in a psych ward I feel very unsafe. I feel safest when I'm alone, somewhere where no one knows where I am. I've hid in the boot of a car overnight and thought it'd be nice to stay there forever. I've pretty much reached unsustainable levels of avoidance, and it's making me feel crazy too.

I had that thought as well. That if I got rid of all my unneeded possessions I'd feel 'freer', or something might change internally for the better. I'm a bit of a hoarder ('collector'), and my parents are as well. Had a family member get rid of everything for me. Didn't change anything. Though emotionally it didn't make a positive or negative difference, intellectually I regret it a bit. I'm not you, so I can't say if you might have the same reaction. It might be a good effect for you. You don't know until you try I guess.

For me, I think my body is stuck in a freeze state from childhood trauma. I'm so dissociated from my body the behavioral methods psychologists suggest simply don't work. I think I've been here too long my body thinks it's normal, and any positive change effected it does its best to revert.

I've been in a vehicle crash before, and any feeling of 'safety' gets thrown away in the moment. Replaced with a real realization that very bad things just happen, and they can happen to you, for no reason. Your body's in a state of shock. People can talk to you and you can try to listen, but you don't understand what they're saying. That's the best way I can describe it. If you've ever been in a life threatening accident, it's like that feeling, but 24/7. For me anyway.

Hope we can find something that helps us relax and pushes us in a positive direction.

 

[The Subhuman]

Replaced with a real realization that very bad things just happen, and they can happen to you, for no reason. Your body's in a state of shock. People can talk to you and you can try to listen, but you don't understand what they're saying.

I def feel this way after watching my dad die, it's lingered with me since. I'm deadpan around everything, and whenever I do smile (usually to jokes) people are surprised that I can even do so.
But it's had the inverse effect, where I sort of always want to be around others (obviously while still having privacy) just to ensure that I don't go insane on my own. The psych ward and dorm rooms are a good example, because when you leave the room you see other people and can interact with them.
It's part of why I don't think I could ever be by myself in a true sense. I take public transit, for example, but if I was alone on a highway driving a car by myself I would def have some impulsive thought of terror that would lead to panic.
I feel kindo f pathetic