trying ungracefully
Member
- Jun 11, 2025
- 25
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and opened up about the fact that I was lying about using actual weed instead of carts after I was told to smoke bud as harm reduction. I smoked it for a little bit but it would smell up my room even with stuff that usually works with getting rid of the smell.
I have bipolar and experienced psychosis so I am not supposed to smoke to begin with and the carts just are too strong compared to actual weed where it is more of a risk of me having issues and maybe going into mania.
My boyfriend and I are also having a lot of issues and we almost broke up this week because I broke down completely with things and he had problems with things too. I thought it was the end for real this time (threats of breaking up has happened with the both of us) but in the end he wanted to stay with me after we calmly talked things out after the big thing.
These two things really aren't good for my mental health and I can see that. I am more depressed some days but also it feels like I can't sleep unless I force myself. It is common for me to wake up in the middle of the night and go back to bed easily. Now it is a little difficult and it feels like I have to force myself. I am also having more energy and irritability and anger. Also a lot of thoughts, I wake up in the morning with something in the front of my mind. If it is paranoia related I am able to still know it isn't real but I am afraid of it getting worse.
I am on medication now so I don't know how mania on medication feels like for me. I don't know what this is and if the carts triggered this because I switched back to carts about two months ago.
I need to stop smoking. This really feels like my lowest point with my addiction, it really is an addiction. I am still smoking knowing what it can do to me and knowing if it causes mania it can cause brain damage. It is self harm, it isn't helping even though it does help on a day to day basis. My psychiatrist even said she was a pot head but one day something in her just changed. I'm getting to a point where I want to change I am just afraid of failing. Even right now I am really fighting the want to take a hit and it's such a strong urge.
I am also thinking about my relationship in the way that if it gets worse I can't stay around and work with him to get better. It has been almost 5 years in this relationship but things didn't get real bad until last year when I was manic and in psychosis. It is my fault. I hurt him bad he was a target of bad delusions I was having and I basically hated him at the time because he did something unforgivable I have just moved past it. The feelings of confusion and hurt just come up. I can't talk about it in therapy either which sucks. I don't want to talk about it here either because I am just paranoid of him some how finding my account and seeing that I shared too much personal stuff. It hurts the both of us so I don't want to stay stuck in the past.
I really need to make changes. I am going to see if I can at least wait until night time to smoke (I have actual weed this time) or see if I can last longer. It just sucks because I also became reliant on weed to put me to sleep because of my sleeping issues. Maybe once I get less reliant on weed I can switch to CBD. I once used a CBD vape thinking it was a nicotine vape and god damn was I relaxed and calm and could take a nap if I wanted to.
Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. I am not a good writer when it comes to writing out my personal thoughts and feelings.
I have bipolar and experienced psychosis so I am not supposed to smoke to begin with and the carts just are too strong compared to actual weed where it is more of a risk of me having issues and maybe going into mania.
My boyfriend and I are also having a lot of issues and we almost broke up this week because I broke down completely with things and he had problems with things too. I thought it was the end for real this time (threats of breaking up has happened with the both of us) but in the end he wanted to stay with me after we calmly talked things out after the big thing.
These two things really aren't good for my mental health and I can see that. I am more depressed some days but also it feels like I can't sleep unless I force myself. It is common for me to wake up in the middle of the night and go back to bed easily. Now it is a little difficult and it feels like I have to force myself. I am also having more energy and irritability and anger. Also a lot of thoughts, I wake up in the morning with something in the front of my mind. If it is paranoia related I am able to still know it isn't real but I am afraid of it getting worse.
I am on medication now so I don't know how mania on medication feels like for me. I don't know what this is and if the carts triggered this because I switched back to carts about two months ago.
I need to stop smoking. This really feels like my lowest point with my addiction, it really is an addiction. I am still smoking knowing what it can do to me and knowing if it causes mania it can cause brain damage. It is self harm, it isn't helping even though it does help on a day to day basis. My psychiatrist even said she was a pot head but one day something in her just changed. I'm getting to a point where I want to change I am just afraid of failing. Even right now I am really fighting the want to take a hit and it's such a strong urge.
I am also thinking about my relationship in the way that if it gets worse I can't stay around and work with him to get better. It has been almost 5 years in this relationship but things didn't get real bad until last year when I was manic and in psychosis. It is my fault. I hurt him bad he was a target of bad delusions I was having and I basically hated him at the time because he did something unforgivable I have just moved past it. The feelings of confusion and hurt just come up. I can't talk about it in therapy either which sucks. I don't want to talk about it here either because I am just paranoid of him some how finding my account and seeing that I shared too much personal stuff. It hurts the both of us so I don't want to stay stuck in the past.
I really need to make changes. I am going to see if I can at least wait until night time to smoke (I have actual weed this time) or see if I can last longer. It just sucks because I also became reliant on weed to put me to sleep because of my sleeping issues. Maybe once I get less reliant on weed I can switch to CBD. I once used a CBD vape thinking it was a nicotine vape and god damn was I relaxed and calm and could take a nap if I wanted to.
Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. I am not a good writer when it comes to writing out my personal thoughts and feelings.
