I need to go

[johntee2]

I'm so bloody frustrated. I initially tried to go using helium only to find that it's doctored with air to prevent hypoxic death. I flirted with suspension hanging. I had this bright idea that I could partially suffocate myself with a plastic bag first to speed it up. Anyone who has experienced an inability to breath will testify that it is a horrific experience. I whipped that bag off after my first failed breath. If hanging was easy there would be no need for the PP handbook or forums like this. I will die soon, within a week, a month, a year. I don't know. My knackered cardiovascular system will see to that. I want to go today though. Now. This morning. Even if I could get N or SN, it would take weeks. I don't like the lag with SN. Survival instinct would probably cause vomiting even with antiemetics. This was all sent to taunt me. I worked in a lab for 30+ years. I could have picked 20 off the shelf ways to off myself. There were even 2L helium cylinders with regulators. . Now I can't even get a friggin gas regulator without a 6 week wait. I don't want to wake up, again tomorrow with the horrific fear that grips me every morning. I took my last Xanax this morning. I face the full fear tomorrow. With full lockdown, there's no chance my wife will go out to leave me to a plan Z - hanging by a dog lead from the loft.