Venting I need to ctb but I'm terrified

[TearStainedSunsets]

So, I have posted here plenty of times so far in the past year or so but I just need to post again I guess. I've been thinking about offing myself for a while and I honestly am just so scared about it.

For a little background, I was raised Christian. I am now a Satanist (not a devil worshipper!!!!) so I don't believe in the afterlife. In my core beliefs, God isn't real, hell and heaven are not real and there is nothing after death. But I can't shake the feeling that, now that it's really coming to it, that I might be wrong.

What is the christians and catholics and all the other theistic religions were right and I'm going to be tortured after I die for what I've done during my life? What if being a satanist is actually damming me like all the religious people around me have said it has and I am actually better off living?

The whole point og me ctbing is to get away from all the pain, so theres no point in ctbing if its just going to be more pain on the other side.

On top of all that, I'm terrified of failing. What if the method I choose just...dosen't work for whatever reason? What if, despite all my efforts to make sure it works and all my efforts studying the method and everything that I somehow survive? And not to mention SI. What if I'm on the brink of death and suddenly, SI kicks in harder than before and I can't hold it back anymore and I save myself? What do I even do then? I know there are methods that don't allow time for SI like firearms and such but I don't have access to those methods.

I just feel like I'm at a stand still with everything right now and then on top of everything. theres suddenly hope for me right now. I have the opportunity to change things and get better right now but I'm so fucking tired of trying and trying and never having anything to show for it. I'm tired of everything but the opportunities and I'm tired of working. I'm tired of this fucking life but I'm so fucking scared of losing the little bit of good that I do have.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just fucking ctb and get this shit over with? I really do fucking mean it when I say that I can't keep fucking living and the stupid opportunity for school and shit isnt worth all the other bullshit that I have to go through daily. I want to fucking die. I really do...But I;m just terrified that after death might just be worse than this....

Is there any way to get over that?

 

[EmptyBottle]

I'm surprised that there is a no-god type of satanism, not just the type that inverts Christianity.

As for your main question, I am not sure what to respond, sorry.

 

[Linda]

So, I have posted here plenty of times so far in the past year or so but I just need to post again I guess. I've been thinking about offing myself for a while and I honestly am just so scared about it.

For a little background, I was raised Christian. I am now a Satanist (not a devil worshipper!!!!) so I don't believe in the afterlife. In my core beliefs, God isn't real, hell and heaven are not real and there is nothing after death. But I can't shake the feeling that, now that it's really coming to it, that I might be wrong.

What is the christians and catholics and all the other theistic religions were right and I'm going to be tortured after I die for what I've done during my life? What if being a satanist is actually damming me like all the religious people around me have said it has and I am actually better off living?

The whole point og me ctbing is to get away from all the pain, so theres no point in ctbing if its just going to be more pain on the other side.

On top of all that, I'm terrified of failing. What if the method I choose just...dosen't work for whatever reason? What if, despite all my efforts to make sure it works and all my efforts studying the method and everything that I somehow survive? And not to mention SI. What if I'm on the brink of death and suddenly, SI kicks in harder than before and I can't hold it back anymore and I save myself? What do I even do then? I know there are methods that don't allow time for SI like firearms and such but I don't have access to those methods.

I just feel like I'm at a stand still with everything right now and then on top of everything. theres suddenly hope for me right now. I have the opportunity to change things and get better right now but I'm so fucking tired of trying and trying and never having anything to show for it. I'm tired of everything but the opportunities and I'm tired of working. I'm tired of this fucking life but I'm so fucking scared of losing the little bit of good that I do have.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just fucking ctb and get this shit over with? I really do fucking mean it when I say that I can't keep fucking living and the stupid opportunity for school and shit isnt worth all the other bullshit that I have to go through daily. I want to fucking die. I really do...But I;m just terrified that after death might just be worse than this....

Is there any way to get over that?

There is no evidence whatever for any heaven, hell, god or gods, or any kinds of supernatural entities. If there is a god, he can hardly blame you for not believing in those things, since he didn't bother to give you any evidence that they exist.
If there is a god, he would expect you to make the best decisions you can with the evidence you have, the means you have, and using your brain as best you can.
As regards attempting to ctb, you should be aware that 19 out of 20 suicide attempts fail. (In some cases people back out before actually doing anything much. In other cases, they take it further, but fail, and there are no significant harmful after effects. However, in some cases a failed attempt can mean serious injury.) If you are determined to die, you need to plan very carefully, so that you don't fail.
As regards survival instinct, I suggest that once you have chosen a method, you think through, carefully, every step that would be required. Ask yourself if you would be able to do it. If the answer for any step is "No", you can save yourself the trouble of attempting.

 

[getoutgirl]

Religious trauma is a bitch. I'm sorry you are going through that. Some things you can't rationalize out, they became cogs in your brain long ago and the fear can take years, if ever, to go away. Guilt works similarily. I was raised very chrisitan also and, like I can't swear on camera cos my brain tells me that'd be damning evidence for God in my final judgement and I would go to hell. Even If I know it's bullshit my brain just goes nuh huh and sends all the fear and anxiety signals down my spine in torrent. So I feel you, it sucks.

I'd really hope you could do with a little less fear, somehow, that it would lessen, either in your attempt if that's what you wish for or in your life if you'd want to be able to cling to that hope and opportunities. I can't ask the latter of you because I know how exhausting it is. It's up to you in the end, all I hope is whatever you do you can leave some of that fear burden aside, to be able to breathe a lil easier for however long. Lots of hugs <333

 

[divinemistress36]

Im not saying all these nde stories people on youtube experience are the truth but none of them report there being a Hell and many say religion is man made.

 

[shineboy2k15taliban]

Im not saying all these nde stories people on youtube experience are the truth but none of them report there being a Hell and many say religion is man made.

You are sitting on your manmade seat typing manmade symbols onto a manmade brick to send a manmade message to other manmade bricks about religion being manmade

 

[artificialpasta]

You and many people here won't like this but the truth is that if you have even a smidge of doubt or fear in you about the decision then you shouldn't do it.

Im not saying all these nde stories people on youtube experience are the truth but none of them report there being a Hell and many say religion is man made.

No, I've been through that rabbithole and there are definitely accounts of people describing a state of fear. It's either loving warmth or a dark scary place. Either way the person's perspective on life 360s afterwards. Supposedly.

I'm surprised that there is a no-god type of satanism, not just the type that inverts Christianity.

Anyone who self-identifies as a Satanist or Luciferian is almost certainly some type of atheist who uses Satan as a metaphor for empowerment or something. No one believes they worship the literal devil. The closest you have to an inversion of Christianity are the Gnostics, who believe the god of the Old Testament, who created the universe, is evil or incompetent.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Anyone who self-identifies as a Satanist or Luciferian is almost certainly some type of atheist who uses Satan as a metaphor for empowerment or something. No one believes they worship the literal devil. The closest you have to an inversion of Christianity are the Gnostics, who believe the god of the Old Testament, who created the universe, is evil or incompetent.

ahh, that makes more sense.

 

[bankai]

The terror is real. I put the noose over my neck twice now and tried to suspend myself. It has ended in failure. I probably need to end it with someone else who can cheer for me in the background or something I'm not sure at this point

 

[taylorj]

You and many people here won't like this but the truth is that if you have even a smidge of doubt or fear in you about the decision then you shouldn't do it.



No, I've been through that rabbithole and there are definitely accounts of people describing a state of fear. It's either loving warmth or a dark scary place. Either way the person's perspective on life 360s afterwards. Supposedly.



Anyone who self-identifies as a Satanist or Luciferian is almost certainly some type of atheist who uses Satan as a metaphor for empowerment or something. No one believes they worship the literal devil. The closest you have to an inversion of Christianity are the Gnostics, who believe the god of the Old Testament, who created the universe, is evil or incompetent.

I agree with all of what you said. If you're having any doubts it ain't the time for you.

I have yet to see any actual Satan worshipping organization...just the random few people who are probably just delusional and convinced themselves they're worshipping "the devil" but it's possible they're in communion with some evil entity I guess and just call it Satan. Satanism and luciferianism are like highly opposite from each other. One is just self empowerment and not spiritual at all and the other is highly spiritual. Luciferianism is kind of like Gnosticism.
Most NDE stories are all light and positive. I've only seen a handful that describe a scary feeling and I get the vibe that those are more so to motivate or warn them and not an actual glimpse of their afterlife. It's believed that when you die you will experience whatever you perceive/ believe in so if you die with the fear of going to hell and you feel a lot of guilt for how you lived your life then you might have a bad trip...or if you grew up in church maybe ole JC will appear to you. Doesn't mean Christianity is real it's just kind of what you make it. But that's just a theory. I tend to believe in a peaceful, positive afterlife experience. If there is a "Hell" it's here so you wouldn't really experience that between life and death if anything the in-between is actually like your moment of reprieve.

 

[artificialpasta]

Most NDE stories are all light and positive. I've only seen a handful that describe a scary feeling and I get the vibe that those are more so to motivate or warn them and not an actual glimpse of their afterlife. It's believed that when you die you will experience whatever you perceive/ believe in so if you die with the fear of going to hell and you feel a lot of guilt for how you lived your life then you might have a bad trip...or if you grew up in church maybe ole JC will appear to you.

Hmm I don't see why I should treat claims of a hellish NDE any different from people who claim to have experienced light and love. As far as I'm concerned they are both unverifiable narrations. But if one were to give them any stock it seems irrational to only consider one and not the other.

 

[Defenestrator]

No, I've been through that rabbithole and there are definitely accounts of people describing a state of fear. It's either loving warmth or a dark scary place. Either way the person's perspective on life 360s afterwards. Supposedly.

I've read many of these accounts too, and yes there are bad experiences but it's not always clear why - some people suggest it's that you get what you expect or feel you deserve. The only judgement being passed on is by the person themselves, no other entity.


As long as you live your life in a way that doesn't harm other people, that's all that matters - religious or otherwise.

 

[taylorj]

Hmm I don't see why I should treat claims of a hellish NDE any different from people who claim to have experienced light and love. As far as I'm concerned they are both unverifiable narrations. But if one were to give them any stock it seems irrational to only consider one and not the other.

I wouldn't treat them any differently. One isn't more valid than the other. The difference is simply your perspective which was kinda what I was meaning more than anything. Even before I learned of those NDE stories I just gravitated towards a more positive view of the afterlife...and I never believed in a hell in the traditional sense. I think you get what you deserve but not in the afterlife you get it here on Earth. It is worth noting that a lot of them describe very similar sensations of peace and content and visions of a bright white light which could be connected to the whole moon theory thing but that's a whole nother rabbit hole.

I've read many of these accounts too, and yes there are bad experiences but it's not always clear why - some people suggest it's that you get what you expect or feel you deserve. The only judgement being passed on is by the person themselves, no other entity.


As long as you live your life in a way that doesn't harm other people, that's all that matters - religious or otherwise.

100% this is my view on it as well

 

[ToANewWorld]

The closest you have to an inversion of Christianity are the Gnostics, who believe the god of the Old Testament, who created the universe, is evil or incompetent.

Come to think of it... the god of the old testament is literally genocidal and narcissistic. Maybe they are onto something...

 

[taylorj]

Come to think of it... the god of the old testament is literally genocidal and narcissistic. Maybe they are onto something...

They definitely are. The gnostics are considered the original Christians. They think Yahweh was really what we view as "the devil" and Jesus is the real Lucifer who is actually the good guy and savior...the one who tried to enlighten us in the garden when Yahweh tried to keep us ignorant and afraid. There's a lot of good books that give evidence of gnostics within the original church around the same time Christianity was forming. Not saying I believe in this word for word but some of their ideas I can def get on board with .

 

[TearStainedSunsets]

I'm surprised that there is a no-god type of satanism, not just the type that inverts Christianity.

As for your main question, I am not sure what to respond, sorry.

its a common misunderstanding really. Satanism is the anti religion, Satanic Devil Worshipping is what most people think is Satanism. Its a mix up is all.

Religious trauma is a bitch. I'm sorry you are going through that. Some things you can't rationalize out, they became cogs in your brain long ago and the fear can take years, if ever, to go away. Guilt works similarily. I was raised very chrisitan also and, like I can't swear on camera cos my brain tells me that'd be damning evidence for God in my final judgement and I would go to hell. Even If I know it's bullshit my brain just goes nuh huh and sends all the fear and anxiety signals down my spine in torrent. So I feel you, it sucks.

I'd really hope you could do with a little less fear, somehow, that it would lessen, either in your attempt if that's what you wish for or in your life if you'd want to be able to cling to that hope and opportunities. I can't ask the latter of you because I know how exhausting it is. It's up to you in the end, all I hope is whatever you do you can leave some of that fear burden aside, to be able to breathe a lil easier for however long. Lots of hugs <333

Thank you so much for your support. As you said, getting over fear will take me a long time and if it never happens, I will have to learn to either ignore it in my attempt or if i decide to stay here on this earth, learn to live with it.

The terror is real. I put the noose over my neck twice now and tried to suspend myself. It has ended in failure. I probably need to end it with someone else who can cheer for me in the background or something I'm not sure at this point

I understand that very much, obv, i just made a whole post about it. But just know that I'm here for you as you are there for me. I appreciate your comment and I'm glad, in a bittersweet way, that you and I can relate to each other in that regard.

I wish you the best friend.