Do you guys ever want life to get even worse?

[LostHope556]

I want life to get worse, to get so bad that I have to CTB. I've wanted this for a long time, I just never really vocalized it.

A part of me wants to self-sabotage even harder. Ruin everything good that I have in my life. Fuck up the relationship I have where she actually loves me and supports me. Fuck up my friendship with my closest friend.

Because as of now I still have shit to live for. Even though my life is likely always going to suck, It doesn't ALL suck. There are beautiful parts.

But I'm really really tired... Soul tired.

And I'm tired of always picking myself up and trying. I want to be done. Finally, actually done.

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

Honestly, i don't think i could make it worse without just like, shooting fent and becoming homeless

 

[Griever]

Honestly, I don't think my life could be worse than it is now because I've hit rock bottom

 

[IndictEvolution]

Yes. My brain is kind of traumatized and got very good at cutting off emotions, and it makes me feel like a robot, or like I've taken SSRIs without actually taking them. I hate it because I know it's not who I am, and I often have this feeling of wanting to be able to feel bad, because it feels very wrong to not feel bad anymore to me.

 

[divinemistress87]

Ya as messed up as it sounds I want my dads copd to finally kill him so it will finally push me over the edge to ctb and we can both free of suffering

 

[AnimusLapsus]

Like physical pain, there is only so much mental pain we can withstand. When we reach our limit, something must give. My entire identity, sense of belonging, integrity, and value have given. I can't possibly imagine what kind of person I would become if things got any worse than this.

 

[StupidCat]

I've been thinking about this same issue on me. As I'm aware, I don't want my life to get worse, quite the contrary but I feel like every action (or inaction) I make just makes my situation worse. May be an unconscious thing? Like I don't deserve to be happy or something. I had so many chances to make my life better but never took them, and in retrospective it feels like I should but some reason I don't. It's messing me up honestly. I feel like everything I do is for the worse of me but I'm not totally aware of it. I've always been suicidal, I remember telling my parents that I wanted to die at 7, and through all my childhood and adolescence I felt like this. Now that I fucked up everything I just have no excuse now, I don't really want to die but it feels like I should.

 

[LostHope556]

I've been thinking about this same issue on me. As I'm aware, I don't want my life to get worse, quite the contrary but I feel like every action (or inaction) I make just makes my situation worse. May be an unconscious thing? Like I don't deserve to be happy or something. I had so many chances to make my life better but never took them, and in retrospective it feels like I should but some reason I don't. It's messing me up honestly. I feel like everything I do is for the worse of me but I'm not totally aware of it. I've always been suicidal, I remember telling my parents that I wanted to die at 7, and through all my childhood and adolescence I felt like this. Now that I fucked up everything I just have no excuse now, I don't really want to die but it feels like I should.

Holy shit, this is so similar to me it feels eerie. Or maybe I'm just drunk and lonely trying desperately to connect lmao

I tried to poison myself at 9yo

And yeah, me too, even though I've tried so goddamn hard to make my life better, it seems retrospectively I've always made the wrong choices.

I honestly kind of wonder if I'm cursed. Or some sort of karmic bullshit or something I don't know.

It seems like whatever I try to do, the rug always gets pulled out from underneath me. As if something enjoys watching me suffer. I know that's probably my trauma, but it's really weird and shitty to see reality itself seemingly reflecting the same pattern back at me over and over again.

Now I'm just tired as hell.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I guess in a way I have wished life would get worse for me because I feel more secure when eye-to-eye with fear, disaster, and pain. If those feelings start to fade I start to feel uncomfortable and worried. Nothing scares me more than feeling like things might not be so bad, because without fail, something bad happens right after that feeling.

 

[LostHope556]

I guess in a way I have wished life would get worse for me because I feel more secure when eye-to-eye with fear, disaster, and pain. If those feelings start to fade I start to feel uncomfortable and worried. Nothing scares me more than feeling like things might not be so bad, because without fail, something bad happens right after that feeling.

Honestly, same.

Whenever I think things are getting better, something bad happens.

It's almost like happiness actually brings bad shit.

 

[Leyna]

would make it easier to finally do it

 

[EmptyBottle]

I want life to get worse, to get so bad that I have to CTB. I've wanted this for a long time, I just never really vocalized it.

A part of me wants to self-sabotage even harder. Ruin everything good that I have in my life. Fuck up the relationship I have where she actually loves me and supports me. Fuck up my friendship with my closest friend.

Because as of now I still have shit to live for. Even though my life is likely always going to suck, It doesn't ALL suck. There are beautiful parts.

But I'm really really tired... Soul tired.

And I'm tired of always picking myself up and trying. I want to be done. Finally, actually done.

that will hurt the gf and friend too tho.

Sad that life feels tiring, I feel that tiredness sometimes.

 

[cciro]

Yeah. half because it'll at least push me to ctb, and half as a sort of punishment.

 

[bigboostb58]

I have been depressed for so long that It feels normal and feeling worse gives me some comfort

 

[bankai]

Very interesting idea. I wouldn't want to do that myself, but I certainly understand the reasoning behind it.

 

[paphiopedilum]

I don't actually feel like I want things to get worse, I fantasise about things being better and everything being fixed and sometimes I actually expect things to get better even when its fucking delusional.

But in practice I've managed to deliberately self destruct and fuck up what I did have going for me on almost all aspects of my life, so I maybe I do actually want things to be worse subconsciously.

I think it's more about a sense of control rather than trying to make it easier to CTB though. Better to decide to sabotage my relationships before people realise I'm not worth being around rather than wait on them dropping me from their lives. Same sort of idea with education and hobbies, give up rather than fail.

 

[Forever Sleep]

For me, there's really only one thing left that would green light my suicide- for my Dad to die first. I'm actively trying to ensure that other things don't get any worse in life. I'm taking basic care of myself. Trying to ensure I don't lose my job. I don't want to experience destitution and homelessness.

I suppose I don't really feel like I have reasons to stay as much as you. Only distant friendships. No partner or close family. My (creative) job doesn't give me the sense of fulfilment it used to. So, I suppose I feel more ready to go in a way. Plus, I'd rather go in a more calm state of mind. I'm just hoping that will work. I don't actually know- to be fair. I haven't attempted before.