Back then... I was told by others that I was an extremely cheerful person, someone that believed people's hearts could change for the best, I used to fully trust most people, rarely doubting them, I had my soul open to try to connect and interact with other people... But now, maybe 30% of that person is everything that remains... I'm more like a machine or automaton, someone who just remembers how to exist, and not because I do so by a desire to keep going...
I wasn't like this... I wasn't someone filled with anger, resentment, bitterness, paranoia and inability to connect with others... Have been to constant therapy for almost a year, yet I still mostly hate myself to the point I can't see myself in a mirror, and sometimes I want to scratch my own face with hands because I know I'm disgusting... A broken shell of a human being, only driven by old memories and ideals...
When did I turn into such a monstrous human being? If I don't improve, as a psychologist I won't be able to help my future patients... How can I give them hope when I barely have some left inside my soul? How will I be able to provide for my family? I just make them spend money on me about medical matters (like a mostly gluten free diet, those products are very costly)... Wish I could fully work so I can start repaying them, it's not fair for them to have a 25 Year old parasite in their lives... Living a life with the lack of social skills, not being able to fully trust people, mostly being tolerated by others rather than fully cared about, and having so much repressed rage that I'm afraid someday I'll end up screaming God knows what to another person... I wish I could've been able to remain the same person I was before, I noticed that I started to change in Mid 2.019...
A secret goal of mine is to study hard enough to being able to go into the United States for more college-like education, getting a gun, to then shoot myself straight into the heart (not the head because I don't want to live as a vegetable or brain-damaged)... Even after so much help I've being given, deep inside, death is what I seek the most... Like, if I got cancer, I would refuse treatment so it could eventually kill me... Living like this is horrible, to have enough self-awareness to notice people treat you differently, that you're barely tolerated and you can't do anything about it, because things would be way, way worse...
I envy people who can get most things just by being themselves, by existing, as well as those who are always (or mostly) forgiven for their mistakes, they're given understanding, compassion and support, things I barely have... Always having to prove myself, to apologize even if I know I'm right, to keep shut in order to not gain an enemy, to know people thought I was an r-word in high school... Why didn't the psychologist from my old school did something, why didn't they tell my mother I needed help? Why didn't they stop most of my bullies, why did they let them turn me into a bitter hearted person?
When did I lost the heart I used to have?
...
In a nutshell, when did I lose my humanity?
I wasn't like this... I wasn't someone filled with anger, resentment, bitterness, paranoia and inability to connect with others... Have been to constant therapy for almost a year, yet I still mostly hate myself to the point I can't see myself in a mirror, and sometimes I want to scratch my own face with hands because I know I'm disgusting... A broken shell of a human being, only driven by old memories and ideals...
When did I turn into such a monstrous human being? If I don't improve, as a psychologist I won't be able to help my future patients... How can I give them hope when I barely have some left inside my soul? How will I be able to provide for my family? I just make them spend money on me about medical matters (like a mostly gluten free diet, those products are very costly)... Wish I could fully work so I can start repaying them, it's not fair for them to have a 25 Year old parasite in their lives... Living a life with the lack of social skills, not being able to fully trust people, mostly being tolerated by others rather than fully cared about, and having so much repressed rage that I'm afraid someday I'll end up screaming God knows what to another person... I wish I could've been able to remain the same person I was before, I noticed that I started to change in Mid 2.019...
A secret goal of mine is to study hard enough to being able to go into the United States for more college-like education, getting a gun, to then shoot myself straight into the heart (not the head because I don't want to live as a vegetable or brain-damaged)... Even after so much help I've being given, deep inside, death is what I seek the most... Like, if I got cancer, I would refuse treatment so it could eventually kill me... Living like this is horrible, to have enough self-awareness to notice people treat you differently, that you're barely tolerated and you can't do anything about it, because things would be way, way worse...
I envy people who can get most things just by being themselves, by existing, as well as those who are always (or mostly) forgiven for their mistakes, they're given understanding, compassion and support, things I barely have... Always having to prove myself, to apologize even if I know I'm right, to keep shut in order to not gain an enemy, to know people thought I was an r-word in high school... Why didn't the psychologist from my old school did something, why didn't they tell my mother I needed help? Why didn't they stop most of my bullies, why did they let them turn me into a bitter hearted person?
When did I lost the heart I used to have?
...
In a nutshell, when did I lose my humanity?
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