I just remembered this quote, "hell is other people" today while dealing with a personal problem that involved an authority figure. I'm sad thinking of how the course of one's life can be changed by another person's decision, that you cannot do certain things just because somebody else said so, and so on. I understand that there must be regulations and rules put in place, and I'm not criticizing that (although some rules can be harsh sometimes). I just don't like having to behave based on the whims of a stranger that happens to be an authority figure, if that makes sense. Also having everything imposed on me... I just want to do something I remotely enjoy, not pointless busywork to kill time. But that must be the point of school, turn people into obedient drones... I dislike school but at the same time don't see a future for myself after it. At least it gives some structure and fills the day.
I also dislike my family and feel as if I must've done something wrong in a past life to have been born inside this one, but that's another subject for another time. It's just exhausting to come home and hear a cacophony already. Hearing them bark on their phone or shout when they're talking to someone in the house. The constant reminders that nothing I'll ever do will be enough, being treated like a child, lots of other stuff (I'm just citing the most 'tame' things)... that's not a place I want to enter after I finish whatever I was doing outside. I look out the window and think 'this is the place I live in' and that's not positive.
There's so little I can do against it too. I feel as if I have zero agency. I have been waiting and waiting for it to suddenly 'get better', and I even went on to consult a therapist for several months thinking it'd help, and all it did was drain me out of 60 euros each week. Talk about throwing money down the drain. I should have died from suicide a while ago, but there's two things that made me want to stay a little longer (music and drawing, the latter I've gotten pretty good at & continue practicing daily) but at some point I'll have to take a long look at myself and ask if a few minutes of music and some lines on a piece of paper are good enough reasons to continue enduring this shitty life. I can't think of a time where I felt blissful for an extended period and not just for one or two afternoons. "Maybe one day I'll feel happy enough" is one of those thoughts that make me stay even though every day proves to be more stressful than the last.
I also dislike my family and feel as if I must've done something wrong in a past life to have been born inside this one, but that's another subject for another time. It's just exhausting to come home and hear a cacophony already. Hearing them bark on their phone or shout when they're talking to someone in the house. The constant reminders that nothing I'll ever do will be enough, being treated like a child, lots of other stuff (I'm just citing the most 'tame' things)... that's not a place I want to enter after I finish whatever I was doing outside. I look out the window and think 'this is the place I live in' and that's not positive.
There's so little I can do against it too. I feel as if I have zero agency. I have been waiting and waiting for it to suddenly 'get better', and I even went on to consult a therapist for several months thinking it'd help, and all it did was drain me out of 60 euros each week. Talk about throwing money down the drain. I should have died from suicide a while ago, but there's two things that made me want to stay a little longer (music and drawing, the latter I've gotten pretty good at & continue practicing daily) but at some point I'll have to take a long look at myself and ask if a few minutes of music and some lines on a piece of paper are good enough reasons to continue enduring this shitty life. I can't think of a time where I felt blissful for an extended period and not just for one or two afternoons. "Maybe one day I'll feel happy enough" is one of those thoughts that make me stay even though every day proves to be more stressful than the last.
