trying ungracefully
Experienced
- Jun 11, 2025
- 250
I made a crochet scarf and I intended on wearing it but it turned into a scarf that I would practice partial hanging with. I realized I can never actually do it so I put away that thought because I don't want to waste energy on a thing that is never going to happen. It comes up a lot though even though I don't go back to trying to see if I can do it. I wonder how bad it can be to fully go through with it and just go through with the death I want. I get scared though because I love my family.
It's so hard wishing everyday that a natural death will come just so I can die and no one would ask questions or feel bad. I feel like it would also look bad on my family because my older brother ran away/was kidnapped and it was a national case. If my other family and even people outside the family found out I don't want them to think my parents are bad. people have made comments when my brother was gone. They have done their deal of fuck ups but they are good parents and have done their best to change their negative things.
Things feel so hopeless and I just want to feel better. It feels like no matter how much I try things come crashing down again and I have no way of dealing with it. I'm relying on lorazepam and weed to get me through what's going on and it was my last pill of lorazepam and I can't smoke weed so much in a day. I don't want to ask my psychiatrist for more until I see her because I already messaged her twice before our appointment and it's in 6 days.
It's so hard wishing everyday that a natural death will come just so I can die and no one would ask questions or feel bad. I feel like it would also look bad on my family because my older brother ran away/was kidnapped and it was a national case. If my other family and even people outside the family found out I don't want them to think my parents are bad. people have made comments when my brother was gone. They have done their deal of fuck ups but they are good parents and have done their best to change their negative things.
Things feel so hopeless and I just want to feel better. It feels like no matter how much I try things come crashing down again and I have no way of dealing with it. I'm relying on lorazepam and weed to get me through what's going on and it was my last pill of lorazepam and I can't smoke weed so much in a day. I don't want to ask my psychiatrist for more until I see her because I already messaged her twice before our appointment and it's in 6 days.
