I keep coming back

[yellowraincoat225]

I'm going in circles, every time I think things are bearable, even fun, and then I find myself back here again.

I started cutting again, and maybe when my boyfriend sees it, he'll leave me. When we started dating he only saw my old scars. But now that I've started again, he'll see that I'm not mentally stable and the right thing to do would be to get the hell away from me. I've already lost everything, my friends, and my family, because I've ruined all the relationships I've ever had. So it just feels inevitable.

I don't know if I'd feel sad or relieved if that happened. Even though I keep crying, I don't really feel anything, I think I've just gotten so used to crying that it's become comforting for me even though really, I'm crying over nothing, crying just for the sake of crying and feeling bad for myself, even though this all couldve been prevented and I couldve been a happy girl if I was just normal.

It was fun while it lasted, he treats me so good, yet I act like a child. A stupid little girl with stupid little emotions. One second mindlessly enjoying the fun and feeling like a normal girl, and the next overthinking and crying and overreacting. Even casually mentioning the word boyfriend makes me want to throw up. That's not something a person like me is allowed to experience.

Why did I think I could be normal, how can I be normal if I keep coming back to this website, if I sleep holding my bottle of SN wishing I had the courage to take it, if my body and my mind want to start cutting again anytime the smallest thing goes wrong.

 

[AreWeWinning]

I'm going in circles, every time I think things are bearable, even fun, and then I find myself back here again.

I started cutting again, and maybe when my boyfriend sees it, he'll leave me. When we started dating he only saw my old scars. But now that I've started again, he'll see that I'm not mentally stable and the right thing to do would be to get the hell away from me. I've already lost everything, my friends, and my family, because I've ruined all the relationships I've ever had. So it just feels inevitable.

I don't know if I'd feel sad or relieved if that happened. Even though I keep crying, I don't really feel anything, I think I've just gotten so used to crying that it's become comforting for me even though really, I'm crying over nothing, crying just for the sake of crying and feeling bad for myself, even though this all couldve been prevented and I couldve been a happy girl if I was just normal.

It was fun while it lasted, he treats me so good, yet I act like a child. A stupid little girl with stupid little emotions. One second mindlessly enjoying the fun and feeling like a normal girl, and the next overthinking and crying and overreacting. Even casually mentioning the word boyfriend makes me want to throw up. That's not something a person like me is allowed to experience.

Why did I think I could be normal, how can I be normal if I keep coming back to this website, if I sleep holding my bottle of SN wishing I had the courage to take it, if my body and my mind want to start cutting again anytime the smallest thing goes wrong.

Please don't misunderstand what I'm about to say. It's coming from a place of curiosity, and not hostility or hatred.

It's really hard for me to empathise, because I can't imagine how you might feel. I mean, I know exactly what's wrong with my life. I don't doubt someone can feel the way you do, because this is clearly what some people experience. Yet, it is really difficult for me to imagine what it would be like to feel down without a clear reason. Do you really have no concept or idea of what might be causing you to feel this way? Even if you try, can you really not pinpoint any reason, and is it really just a feeling that is there with no connection to anything in your life or the world?