Venting I just want to fucking die. Why did I even say I’m gonna stay alive

[KleinerWolf]

I don't know why I keep changing my mind.
if I go back to China my life is fucked anyway.

honestly the multiple times nasal swab COVID test to entre China isn't even worth it,
Like I go back for what?
All the teeth fixing and on top of that no hope to ever get out again for years.

fuck man I really wish my SN is here.

I keep changing my mind now in reality I know SN is better option to just be done with it.
I'm so done with what being a Chinese citizen entails for me.

I hate going back there more than I hate the uncertainty of successful death by suicide.

I don't know what will happen,
I can't find a reason to go back and I don't want to.
Surely suicide can't be that hard.

Maybe if my sn is here, it will be more practical to make such decision.
It's been 1 month and 3 days since it was shipped.

It wouldn't be so bad listening to music on my bed, losing consciousness and never wake up to my awful life.

 

[Wrennie]

It's horrible that you're being backed into a corner like this.
I'm so sorry. I hope your SN arrives soon so you can have some peace of mind and control over what path you decide to take.

 

[Ghost2211]

The anticipation must be really stressful. Hopefully it arrives soon so you have that sense of security.

 

[yive]

I want to listen to music,lose consciousness and never wake up.

i feel you, Stroke, i'm in the same boat :(
unfortunately, i don't see other ways to solve my problems.

good luck to you! i hope you get what you are looking for. hugs

 

[painoflife]

You have such a tough decision and neither path will be easy. I cant say I know what you are going through but I can feel how hard this is for you and sympathise.
I hope that you can come to a definate answer and be sure either way.

 

[foxdie]

I feel you man, that mental limbo is the worst. I'm stuck there too. You're not alone in that.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this mess. While I didn't come from China, I have an eerily similar situation to you. Feel free to PM me if you ever need to vent about the frustrations of being an expat and these draconian immigration laws.

 

[NodusTollens]

What you're going through sounds unbearably stressful. I hope things work out the way you need them to.

 

[Pookie]

I hear you. Why can't ctb options be easier? Life can be so cruel sometimes.