RollingGiant
stay cool
- Jan 25, 2024
- 29
I hope that when I do die, whether through suicide or not, I'm able to appreciate it. Here's what I mean. With the headspace I'm in right now, I think that if I learned I only had an hour left to live, I'd have a great time in that hour. I'd reflect on my life and the world and be thankful that I'm leaving it all behind. For once, I wouldn't be ruminating, since I'd know I was free: without any future to prepare for, there'd be no reason for me to rehearse arguments in my head or obsess over what's wrong with people.
Unfortunately, minds change. Today, I'm feeling especially hopeless in a really clear and lucid way. But tomorrow, I might go back to my usual state, where I'm more angry than sad. Normally, thinking about suicide makes me mad about the state I'm in: like, if the world was different, I'd be able to have a happy life, and the fact that I have to turn to killing myself instead is wrong. The difference right now is that I accept that having a happy life is impossible; if I wasn't miserable about the things I am now, I'd be miserable for some other reason.
I fluctuate between those two positions, although most of the time I'm in the angry one. Still, I hope that if I end up knowing in advance that im going to die, I'll be in the resigned, accepting one. That way, I won't spend my final moments hating how things turned out, and I'll experience my death as the relief it is.
Unfortunately, minds change. Today, I'm feeling especially hopeless in a really clear and lucid way. But tomorrow, I might go back to my usual state, where I'm more angry than sad. Normally, thinking about suicide makes me mad about the state I'm in: like, if the world was different, I'd be able to have a happy life, and the fact that I have to turn to killing myself instead is wrong. The difference right now is that I accept that having a happy life is impossible; if I wasn't miserable about the things I am now, I'd be miserable for some other reason.
I fluctuate between those two positions, although most of the time I'm in the angry one. Still, I hope that if I end up knowing in advance that im going to die, I'll be in the resigned, accepting one. That way, I won't spend my final moments hating how things turned out, and I'll experience my death as the relief it is.
