Venting i hope my end is near

[aeri]

i've been feeling at my lowest. i tried everything. i talked to my doctor, i saw psychiatrists, i went to the emergencies, i went regularly to the hospital, i had therapy but nothing is working. day by day, my condition is worsening. everyday i believe i cant feel worse but i actually can. well at least im capable of something lmao

i should kill myself. i could do it. i've been dreaming of it. i dont wanna suffer like that.

i gave up all my dreams. i cant do anymore everything i used to love. i cant focus on anything even if i want to. what used to be the purpose of my life doesn't matter anymore. and it's ok

i wanna die. i wanna die. i dont deserve this life. i dont deserve to suffer like that. i could just do it, i could end my days. i should do it. silly me always scared of doing it. too stupid to die. apparently i prefer to suffer instead of feeling anything.

i need something to happen. i need something to convince me to kill myself. i need to stop suffering. i dont want to suffer like that

 

[rationaltake]

I understand not being able to stand suffering any more. It's pure hell.

 

[aeri]

I understand not being able to stand suffering any more. It's pure hell.

yeah it's hell. but at the end, it's still my fault. if im suffering as hard as i am saying i should just end it. it's my fault if im suffering like that and not allowing myself to not feel a thing anymore. it's hell, but it's my fault.

i cant stand all my pain and I cant stand how i wasn't able to get better, but it's my loss. i should just end it

 

[rationaltake]

yeah it's hell. but at the end, it's still my fault. if im suffering as hard as i am saying i should just end it. it's my fault if im suffering like that and not allowing myself to not feel a thing anymore. it's hell, but it's my fault.

i cant stand all my pain and I cant stand how i wasn't able to get better, but it's my loss. i should just end it

It doesn't sound like it's your fault. You've tried everything. Do you have any help at all at the moment?

 

[aeri]

It doesn't sound like it's your fault. You've tried everything. Do you have any help at all at the moment?

no help. i've been thinking of taking a new appointment with my doctor because he has always been a huge help but why should i. we tried everything already. if i were to see him again i'd just go cry at his office and that's all. i'll feel even worse.

i don't have any friends i wanna bother with my problems. my partner isn't someone i can talk to about all this stuff, same goes for my family. i surrounded myself with ppl i cant speak to. never felt this alone but i did this to myself. never felt this horrible but if i hadn't failed my suicide attempts i wouldn't feel this way. if silly me would kill myself it would be for the best

 

[rationaltake]

Maybe you could see your doctor as you've been thinking of it? Though I do understand how pointless things can get. And how hard it can be to talk to people.

 

[aeri]

Maybe you could see your doctor as you've been thinking of it? Though I do understand how pointless things can get. And how hard it can be to talk to people.

it would be pointless
im actually scared he will make me go inpatient if i talk to him, we tried everything but that, it's the next step

 

[rationaltake]

I understand. I wouldn't want to be an inpatient. You sound really stuck. Which I get.

 

[Forever Sleep]

This really isn't your fault- you're not choosing to feel this way or doing it deliberately. In fact- you are taking positive steps to fight it by seeking out treatment- and that is really hard.

It really irritates me when people seem to think depression is a choice and 'you're just not trying hard enough.' I really don't think it is as simple as that. In fact- I think there are actual physical differences in a depressed brain- low dopamine and all that.

I'm sorry you are suffering so much and for so long. I can see how things must feel pretty hopeless. I really wish I had the answers but I'm afraid we are all struggling I suppose and it's so hard to advise what to do. The blind leading the blind I suppose- but at least we can sympathise with one another.

I hope you can find the strength to see your doctor again. There is I suppose always the possibility that these things won't help but I guess all we can do is keep trying for as long as we can. I hope things get better for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are in such an unbearable situation. I understand that this life can be torture when you are in so much pain and I know that it is hard to carry on when everything seems so hopeless. I wish you the best and I hope that you find the relief from your suffering that you so desperately want.

 

[sweaterpaws]

ugh I relate to a lot of this. Nothing is more exhausting than feeling like you've done all the right things to get help and nothing is working. its so easy to feel like you're just... broken. And feeling like theres no future for you, its just really shitty. I wish I had advice or something smart to say other than of course you feel tired and worn out and want to cry, you've been fighting one of the hardest emotional battles someone can go through, suicidal thoughts can feel so demanding like theyre pulling you in and out. I hope things get better for you regardless of outcome because you seem like somebody really trying their best and putting their heart into it and I hope that hard work pays off for something.

 

[aeri]

This really isn't your fault- you're not choosing to feel this way or doing it deliberately. In fact- you are taking positive steps to fight it by seeking out treatment- and that is really hard.

It really irritates me when people seem to think depression is a choice and 'you're just not trying hard enough.' I really don't think it is as simple as that. In fact- I think there are actual physical differences in a depressed brain- low dopamine and all that.

I'm sorry you are suffering so much and for so long. I can see how things must feel pretty hopeless. I really wish I had the answers but I'm afraid we are all struggling I suppose and it's so hard to advise what to do. The blind leading the blind I suppose- but at least we can sympathise with one another.

I hope you can find the strength to see your doctor again. There is I suppose always the possibility that these things won't help but I guess all we can do is keep trying for as long as we can. I hope things get better for you.

thank you for the kind words, you're sweet.
i dont hope it gets better anymore. i hope i'll be able to ctb soon. i went at my mom's to take my suicide method, maybe i'll try to do it this week. i know i wont, i never do. but maybe this time will be the good one...

I'm sorry that you are in such an unbearable situation. I understand that this life can be torture when you are in so much pain and I know that it is hard to carry on when everything seems so hopeless. I wish you the best and I hope that you find the relief from your suffering that you so desperately want.

thank you

ugh I relate to a lot of this. Nothing is more exhausting than feeling like you've done all the right things to get help and nothing is working. its so easy to feel like you're just... broken. And feeling like theres no future for you, its just really shitty. I wish I had advice or something smart to say other than of course you feel tired and worn out and want to cry, you've been fighting one of the hardest emotional battles someone can go through, suicidal thoughts can feel so demanding like theyre pulling you in and out. I hope things get better for you regardless of outcome because you seem like somebody really trying their best and putting their heart into it and I hope that hard work pays off for something.

im sorry you can relate...
yeah it's hard to just feel broken. when i try to do things i used to love i feel empty. when i try new things it's just draining. im broken and cant be fixed anymore
yeah i cried a bit yesterday, hence why i postedon here. needed some support and some love. once im back home i guess i'll get drunk till i pass out, again. like all the other nights
thank you for the kind words