MOROK
Member
- Aug 15, 2024
- 30
Greeting! I'm relatively new to this site, and I would like to share my thoughts on some methods after personally attempting each of them. I still want to ctb, and I hope this feeling either passes or I end up doing it, because in all honesty in 20 (count 10 years of that being suicidal) years of my life that's been a thing that was constantly at the back of my mind.
I have tried almost every trick in the book and I'm sick of failing all the time, be it my own fault or a random stick getting into the wheel of my bicycle... So to say.
Nothing ever works for me! I started with simple medication overdosing, and of course it didn't work out because I puked it all out in less than ten minutes, if I remember correctly. The feeling was awful - my head was spinning, my limps were feeling fuzzy and I couldn't even stand properly, and later my mother found me. It happened when I wasn't even of legal age to drink yet, so I was put into a mental hospital against my will for a month (thankfully not a year like my neighbor). From this time I swore on my life that I won't ever fail if I try again - and I guess that's a bit ironic, because my overdosing with SN went almost the same way, some time after my first attempt, but this time I just couldn't drink the second glass which would be lethal for me. No one knew of this attempt.
Next, I tried partial and full hanging suspension, which I couldn't get right for A WHOLE DAMN HOUR. I was, like, freak it! No way I could fail with a good rope and a chair, but there I was, hanging and not feeling any results of the suspension at all. After about an hour of browsing SaSu I decided to get straight to the point and couldn't even bring myself to care about the pain - so I tried full suspension. Didn't work out because the only part of the house where I could do it was in my mother's room, and she works from home, so there was no chance I could do that. That's messed up, I know. I would never hurt my mother like that.
I tried jumping in front of the bus or a car, but it didn't end well. It happened during winter and the cars weren't going as fast as they would normally, but I tried it anyway, but before the cool looking jeep could end me it swirled out of the way. The driver didn't beat my ahh thankfully, as he understood my situation, but I actually think he was just shocked. The second time went exactly as a previous one.
And the last, most recent attempt happened with me trying to slit my own carotid artery, but I just couldn't bring enough strength in me to do it. Now I understand why it is VERY difficult to CTB that way...
My next pick is jumping off 12th floor. I'm honestly tired of trying and failing, especially visiting the mental hospital afterwards all the time. I'm on the suicide watch and have three mental illnesses! The story of my life is hard to tell, so I won't even try to for now, but all you have to know that the only thing keeping me afloat is a video game pairing that I hope to live and see become canon. Jhin x Pyke, this is for you my darlings!
I have tried almost every trick in the book and I'm sick of failing all the time, be it my own fault or a random stick getting into the wheel of my bicycle... So to say.
Nothing ever works for me! I started with simple medication overdosing, and of course it didn't work out because I puked it all out in less than ten minutes, if I remember correctly. The feeling was awful - my head was spinning, my limps were feeling fuzzy and I couldn't even stand properly, and later my mother found me. It happened when I wasn't even of legal age to drink yet, so I was put into a mental hospital against my will for a month (thankfully not a year like my neighbor). From this time I swore on my life that I won't ever fail if I try again - and I guess that's a bit ironic, because my overdosing with SN went almost the same way, some time after my first attempt, but this time I just couldn't drink the second glass which would be lethal for me. No one knew of this attempt.
Next, I tried partial and full hanging suspension, which I couldn't get right for A WHOLE DAMN HOUR. I was, like, freak it! No way I could fail with a good rope and a chair, but there I was, hanging and not feeling any results of the suspension at all. After about an hour of browsing SaSu I decided to get straight to the point and couldn't even bring myself to care about the pain - so I tried full suspension. Didn't work out because the only part of the house where I could do it was in my mother's room, and she works from home, so there was no chance I could do that. That's messed up, I know. I would never hurt my mother like that.
I tried jumping in front of the bus or a car, but it didn't end well. It happened during winter and the cars weren't going as fast as they would normally, but I tried it anyway, but before the cool looking jeep could end me it swirled out of the way. The driver didn't beat my ahh thankfully, as he understood my situation, but I actually think he was just shocked. The second time went exactly as a previous one.
And the last, most recent attempt happened with me trying to slit my own carotid artery, but I just couldn't bring enough strength in me to do it. Now I understand why it is VERY difficult to CTB that way...
My next pick is jumping off 12th floor. I'm honestly tired of trying and failing, especially visiting the mental hospital afterwards all the time. I'm on the suicide watch and have three mental illnesses! The story of my life is hard to tell, so I won't even try to for now, but all you have to know that the only thing keeping me afloat is a video game pairing that I hope to live and see become canon. Jhin x Pyke, this is for you my darlings!
