Venting i'm paralyzed by anxiety

[100memoryleaks]

i'm scared of trying to ctb and surviving again

my mom went looking in my room and closet again as she does once in a while, she asked about the rope, i said because i want to start rock climbing again (i did it as a hobby 4 years ago)

no drugs are helping me to cope anymore, dxm was sweet until i realized i was awake for more than 24 hours straight and i was tired as shit the entire day, vyvanse was great until my chest started hurting the whole evening and the rebound anxiety kicked in, alcohol barely helps, i don't have a way to get more oxys since the prescription wasn't refillable

all i'm doing is waiting for the sn to arrive and trying to figure out how to get metoclopramide and benzos

i still check multiple times a day to see if there's a new message from him. still nothing. i know there won't be one. if he couldn't move past my betrayal for a year, why would he suddenly overcome it now? does he ever think about me? does he see my messages or just refuse to open the chat anymore?

hell, what makes me think he wouldn't be disgusted by what i've become? my thoughts these days are less about him specifically and more about my own deteriorating mental and physical state. i was doing so well while he was around and now everything has fallen apart. my discipline, my looks, my creativity, my motivation... it's gone now and i'm just rotting away.

what would he feel if he knew how bad my current state is? surely he would just think he dodged a bullet and he's glad i'm not his problem anymore. he must be happier now. if he still wanted me he would have stayed. or he would have changed his mind earlier. i'm no one's girl anymore.
I may or may not try fsh again tonight, depends on how tired I am and if I'm still feeling like shit. last week was when I changed my mind because I got high, today I can say I've tried pretty much everything

 

[Cepheuss]

Hey friend i know how you feel i struggled with anxiety really bad when i had a stalker. Both ketamine and gabapentin helped me get past it im not recommending drugs but i know what its like for anxiety to push someone i just hope you can get back on your feet

 

[FF777]

do you have any friends to hang out with or projects to work on or any thing?.. or even games that might be fun? and this sounds dumb but have you tried walking in parks/trails some times (i know it has been super hot though lately).. sorry i guess i'm in the mode of trying to solve problems right now; not sure if that is what you want..

but drugs probably aren't doing tons of good for your body, especially not alcohol (alcohol is a crappy drug in my opinion)..

it's weird how people get so clinged on (or some times obsessed) to one person.. the more time that passes the less you should feel emotionally connected to who ever the guy is.. he isn't wanting to talk to you i guess, so who cares about him any more..

but if you messed up hanging the first time then i would be scared to try it a second time, especially if you feel like you got brain damage or some thing.. if you are really ready to end your whole existence then just find a method that you might be better at executing like the SN stuff or some thing.. or even H2S (that was going to be my method but i decided to keep living now) or some thing..

i dunno i wish there was more i could think of to help you and your situation..

 

[meowpuppy]

same, bestie.. though my anxiety has paralyzed me so much that i'm basically bedridden, unable to go anywhere without almost having a panic attack. i really don't think the drugs you're trying are the best way for you to solve this, though..

 

[KiraNosferatu]

i'm scared of trying to ctb and surviving again

my mom went looking in my room and closet again as she does once in a while, she asked about the rope, i said because i want to start rock climbing again (i did it as a hobby 4 years ago)

no drugs are helping me to cope anymore, dxm was sweet until i realized i was awake for more than 24 hours straight and i was tired as shit the entire day, vyvanse was great until my chest started hurting the whole evening and the rebound anxiety kicked in, alcohol barely helps, i don't have a way to get more oxys since the prescription wasn't refillable

all i'm doing is waiting for the sn to arrive and trying to figure out how to get metoclopramide and benzos

i still check multiple times a day to see if there's a new message from him. still nothing. i know there won't be one. if he couldn't move past my betrayal for a year, why would he suddenly overcome it now? does he ever think about me? does he see my messages or just refuse to open the chat anymore?

hell, what makes me think he wouldn't be disgusted by what i've become? my thoughts these days are less about him specifically and more about my own deteriorating mental and physical state. i was doing so well while he was around and now everything has fallen apart. my discipline, my looks, my creativity, my motivation... it's gone now and i'm just rotting away.

what would he feel if he knew how bad my current state is? surely he would just think he dodged a bullet and he's glad i'm not his problem anymore. he must be happier now. if he still wanted me he would have stayed. or he would have changed his mind earlier. i'm no one's girl anymore.
I may or may not try fsh again tonight, depends on how tired I am and if I'm still feeling like shit. last week was when I changed my mind because I got high, today I can say I've tried pretty much everything

i feel you completely.
please just hang in there and don't be scared. that's what I'm doing...
especially with SN you shouldn't worry about failing.. just need meto and a place to not be found....
I believe in u sister

 

[100memoryleaks]

do you have any friends to hang out with or projects to work on or any thing?.. or even games that might be fun? and this sounds dumb but have you tried walking in parks/trails some times (i know it has been super hot though lately).. sorry i guess i'm in the mode of trying to solve problems right now; not sure if that is what you want..

but drugs probably aren't doing tons of good for your body, especially not alcohol (alcohol is a crappy drug in my opinion)..

it's weird how people get so clinged on (or some times obsessed) to one person.. the more time that passes the less you should feel emotionally connected to who ever the guy is.. he isn't wanting to talk to you i guess, so who cares about him any more..

but if you messed up hanging the first time then i would be scared to try it a second time, especially if you feel like you got brain damage or some thing.. if you are really ready to end your whole existence then just find a method that you might be better at executing like the SN stuff or some thing.. or even H2S (that was going to be my method but i decided to keep living now) or some thing..

i dunno i wish there was more i could think of to help you and your situation..

i know, but the wait for my SN feels unbearable... i thought about trying to look for friends or at least talk more to my coworkers but i feel so empty rn that i would be such a boring person to hang out with...

i feel you completely.
please just hang in there and don't be scared. that's what I'm doing...
especially with SN you shouldn't worry about failing.. just need meto and a place to not be found....
I believe in u sister

I'm trying, every day feels like torture

checking the status of my package everyday to see if it's shipped yet

ugh

i know trying to solve things with drugs is bad but i want to try counterflipping to see if I can at least hallucinate my sweetheart and talk to him again that way... on my dxm trip I felt his presence briefly