Venting i have no other option now

[nemesis_]

long story short, i attempted partial and am now showing signs of neurological damage. damage to the parts that made me who i am. now i genuinely have nothing to live for. this is so unbelievably depressing. i haven't even seen a doctor yet because i thought this was something else. now i can't see one since i lost my job and don't have insurance.

now i have to finish the job. i just wish i had a more reliable and less painful method at hand. i guess i'm gonna do partial again but this time, i'll use a nylon belt and i won't chicken out. i wish i had benzos or opioids to make the process a little easier :/ i thought about smoking some weed beforehand but i don't think that'll be enough. idk.

edit: don't get me wrong, i was extremely suicidal before this incident and would've most definitely stayed that way even if this hadn't happened. part of me is even glad this happened because it's made me braver in a way. i never enjoyed life and never will. i just had to clarify this in case there are any anti-suicide lurkers reading this.

 

[kunikuzushi]

I'm sorry this happened to you. Life is so cruel. I'm so sorry you feel trapped into doing this now. I wish you peace.

 

[nemesis_]

I'm sorry this happened to you. Life is so cruel. I'm so sorry you feel trapped into doing this now. I wish you peace.

thank you

 

[Nightfoot]

I'm sorry you went through that and suffered neuro damage. I wish you didn't feel trapped by it and I hope you can find some relief.

 

[nemesis_]

I'm sorry you went through that and suffered neuro damage. I wish you didn't feel trapped by it and I hope you can find some relief.

thank you for the kind words

 

[bankai]

I have SN. But since I don't have the other protocol bits, I'm leaning towards partial myself. So in my first real attempt, when I put the noose around my neck and slowly sank into it, I felt myself black out quick. Followed by terror, and then followed by propping myself up with my hands holding the doorway.

I kind of have an idea how to do it now. I plan to just down a lot of alcohol and just sit into the noose. Eventually I'll pass out in a few minutes from the alcohol.There's no way I can handle that.
I think that should do the trick and allow an automatic ctb.

 

[fkyou]

Holly shit.My only method is partial hanging too.this freaked me out.can you tell what material you used and what position . anchor.maybe I can avoid that??

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find peace from suffering, I wish you the best.

 

[nemesis_]

Holly shit.My only method is partial hanging too.this freaked me out.can you tell what material you used and what position . anchor.maybe I can avoid that??

don't worry, i only ended up with damage because i myself stopped my attempt. i probably would've died had i done nothing.

I hope you find peace from suffering, I wish you the best.

likewise

 

[frayed]

i myself stopped my attempt

did you regain consciousness after you lost it?

 

[fkyou]

don't worry, i only ended up with damage because i myself stopped my attempt. i probably would've died had i done nothing.

How did you stop yourself? Can you explain what happened please?

 

[nemesis_]

How did you stop yourself? Can you explain what happened please?

i lifted myself up and took the belt off my neck.

did you regain consciousness after you lost it?

i didn't lose consciousness.

i was too scared my belt would break, hence why i stopped myself. i need to buy a nylon belt so i can finish the job properly.

 

[fkyou]

So you mean that little time the belt was around your neck gave you nerve damage?! And you weren't even unconscious.that means that staying partially hanged without losing consciousness is dangerous? I thought it does nothing as long as you don't stay like that for a long time??

 

[nemesis_]

So you mean that little time the belt was around your neck gave you nerve damage?! And you weren't even unconscious.that means that staying partially hanged without losing consciousness is dangerous? I thought it does nothing as long as you don't stay like that for a long time??

same..i thought i'd be fine. to be fair, everyone's body is different - i might just be more sensitive. i also "attempted" this way a bunch of times so that could also be a factor.

 

[frayed]

damage to the parts that made me who i am

what do you mean?

 

[nemesis_]

what do you mean?

i just don't feel like myself anymore :( i don't know how to explain it. i woke up one morning and it was as if someone erased my inner self and inner world. my inner voice is also much quieter and i'm a lot dumber lol. i literally mourned myself. i cried like i lost a loved one. i guess i already am dead in a way.

 

[frayed]

i just don't feel like myself anymore :( i don't know how to explain it. i woke up one morning and it was as if someone erased my inner self and inner world. my inner voice is also much quieter and i'm a lot dumber lol. i literally mourned myself. i cried like i lost a loved one. i guess i already am dead in a way.

it's possible that the attempt was traumatic for you, in more than one way.

 

[nemesis_]

it's possible that the attempt was traumatic for you, in more than one way.

i don't think it's trauma since the symptoms started a week later. i actually thought i gave myself brain damage through drinking and taking seroquel after i had a couple of glasses of wine since that's when my symptoms started. it's only when i posted on askdocs that a doctor told me it could be a vascular injury caused by my hanging attempts.

edit: forgot to mention another reason why i don't think this is trauma: i started experiencing short bouts of dizziness. that kind of went away though, thankfully.

 

[fkyou]

i don't think it's trauma since the symptoms started a week later. i actually thought i gave myself brain damage through drinking and taking seroquel after i had a couple of glasses of wine since that's when my symptoms started. it's only when i posted on askdocs that a doctor told me it could he a vascular injury caused by my hanging attempts.

Ok on average how long did you stay hanging?? 1 minute less or more?

 

[nemesis_]

Ok on average how long did you stay hanging?? 1 minute less or more?

definitely less than that. don't know exactly how long though.

 

[Nagoop]

definitely less than that. don't know exactly how long though.

Do you think you would've ACTUALLY died had you sat there and waited longer if you HADN'T chickened out???

 

[nemesis_]

edit (since i can't edit the post anymore, i'm just gonna post this in the comments): i haven't seen a doctor yet since i currently don't have insurance. i can't say for sure if this is brain damage or something else. it may very well have been caused by alcohol and seroquel, or even trauma. the reason i was so sure this was brain damage was some weird physical symptoms i was experiencing - but those turned out to be covid!!

Do you think you would've ACTUALLY died had you sat there and waited longer if you HADN'T chickened out???

maybe. i can't say for sure.

 

[AreWeWinning]

edit (since i can't edit the post anymore, i'm just gonna post this in the comments): i haven't seen a doctor yet since i currently don't have insurance. i can't say for sure if this is brain damage or something else. it may very well have been caused by alcohol and seroquel, or even trauma. the reason i was so sure this was brain damage was some weird physical symptoms i was experiencing - but those turned out to be covid!!

maybe. i can't say for sure.

Yeah, brain damage from your attempts, the way you described it, is extremely unlikely. I mean, I'm not a doctor, it could be anything, but unless you hanged for several minutes and got 'rescued' prematurely, the chance is close to zero. Even after a longer hanging time it's a low possibility, although it can happen.

 

[nemesis_]

Yeah, brain damage from your attempts, the way you described it, is extremely unlikely. I mean, I'm not a doctor, it could be anything, but unless you hanged for several minutes and got 'rescued' prematurely, the chance is close to zero. Even after a longer hanging time it's a low possibility, although it can happen.

yeah, my thoughts as well. i mean, there are people out there with choking kinks who do essentially what i did every day and they're fine. so it was probably alcohol, seroquel, and sleep deprivation.