As I mentioned yesterday, I'm literally just waiting for the Midazolam and GHB to be delivered. I ordered it off the dark web so that itself makes me anxious that hopefully it doesn't take too long to get here. I'm still ready to go you guys.
I really just need to vent because I can't tell anyone else I have had other low points in my life but right now I think is my lowest .
I have chronic pain and chronic health issues which I haven't seen a primary care physician in over four years, so a lot of my issues have stacked on top of each other and caused so many issues at this point that treating these issues would take a really long time. Not to mention I've gained so much weight due to health reasons . I'm at the biggest I've ever been in my life, which is 330 pounds. I worked in the hospitality industry for a long time as I went to college and became a chef and worked as that for a while and I also went to college and got my bachelors degree in masters degree in business administration and leadership . I have worked jobs that require you to be on your feet, work quickly, and bending and lifting which I could no longer do right now due to the pain and shortness of breath, I have from severe anemia and other issues. I was able to move into leadership roles, but even those roles do require you to be on your feet all day. So this has caused issues for me because I struggle finding an office job since nobody hires you if you don't have prior experience. Which is very frustrating. I lost my apartment earlier this year and I had to quit my job because my job would not be accommodating to my limitations so currently I am homeless and I'm jobless. I have lost all desire for life I mean seriously even the smallest tasks to do in a day. I don't have a desire to do. I used to be in love with cooking and baking and cake decorating and all those fun things and I no longer have a desire for that either there's nothing alive that I enjoy anymore.
I'm 31 years old and I should be at the peak of my life. I should already know where my career is headed. I should already be successful.
Not to mention that I don't have family at all I don't have any siblings.
Every person that I have tried really hard to be kind and loving to by giving gifts or doing interactions with have rejected me, talk badly about me or betrayed me. The pain from these consistent experiences and disappointment from people all the time has broken my heart, and maybe into a retaliatory monster even though I'm not truly a monster, but the anger and the pain that I have felt from those actions by other people has turned to be cold.
Every relationship I have ever had I have been left or abandoned or mistakes I have made due to having borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and other issues as well. I have my mom, but she lives out of state and she can't help me in the way that I need I don't tell her about much. It is indescribable the pain and suffering that I feel on the inside of me. I truly believe that a standard and normal person cannot fathom what it feels like to be entirely alone in life. I have a couple of friends I talk to, but it is over Facebook messenger and they live out of state and it's only the same three or four people. I can't tell you the last time I had a real human relationship face-to-face. I have also never had a healthy human relationship. I come from a dysfunctional family all of my mom's siblings and her parents they all have generational trauma and issues and it is not normal. I'm 31 years old and I have never had one single healthy relationship.
My father abandoned me as well. He didn't want to claim me because he actually had another woman pregnant at the same time that my mom was pregnant. My mom was just the side bitch. There really is no loss there though because my dad wasn't shit. He actually has spent most of his life in prison. However, he went along and had three additional children with that same woman my mother went on to get pregnant a couple other times, but she miscarried one and then she also aborted one or two I can't remember she selfishly kept me because she wanted a baby just like all her other friends in high school and I ended up being just a pretty doll to dress up until I got big enough where she actually had a parent and obviously she sucked at it.
My childhood was incredibly sad. I never got a birthday party. I grew up to a young single mom that had a sex addiction, severe depression and she loved to party. My mother went openly engaged in sexual activity in front of me she would hit me and she would intimidate me if I were to expose her business to anyone so I never did because I was scared. I was emotionally neglected all of my life, which is I feel like the culprit of me developing a personality disorder and being being so screwed up mentally. I grew up near my cousins who had a perfect family. They had a loving mother and father in a very loving home. I used to hate with the holidays, came around because I would go over to their house and I would see them up with their gifts I just remember how happy they were. They got the best Christmas gifts too. They always had a birthday party and they were very active in sports and extracurricular activities that I would have loved to try or do. My aunt also secretly hated me at one point. I remember she told me to stop showing up at her house.
My mother would sleep for days on and at a time I remember I woke up as a little girl, and I would just sit there and stare to see if she was going to wake up and so when she wouldn't I remember that I went to school and my dirty clothes from the night before or I had to figure out how to brush my own hair. When I was in elementary school, there would be this thing that would happen where kids in my class would have their parents show up to eat lunch with them. So this prompted me to ask my mom if she could bring me lunch like other parents to do for their kids and I remember that she would promise me to bring me lunch and I would sit at the lunch table, staring at the door, waiting for her to come and she would never show up. I was never asked. How was my day at school I was never helped with planning my future or planning college. I was never allowed to talk about my feelings because back then a lot of mothers felt like they had power and so what I thought and felt didn't matter. Which has messed me up into my adulthood because I don't handle it well when I perceive that I'm being ignored because of the damage to my brain from living for 18 years with feeling like I'm unheard and unseen.
I'm a firm believer that you can't just blame your childhood for your bad decisions, but this pain has stayed with me my whole life.
I just really can't wait to get out of here. I am so broken inside and I don't have a purpose here. The sad part is is that I believe in God. I'm grateful for all that he has done, but I don't feel like I could fulfill my life in the way that he deserves me to do so I would rather leave my body, my physical body and do whatever I need to do in spirit form on the other side. I'm so ready to go and it feels so good because I'm not going to tell anyone and I don't think I'm going to say goodbye to anyone. I just wanna be free of my mortal pain on this earth, it is so very agonizing and indescribable . Even if that means I go to hell it's worth it to me because I hate who I am and I don't want any more part of this or what I've become.
I really just need to vent because I can't tell anyone else I have had other low points in my life but right now I think is my lowest .
I have chronic pain and chronic health issues which I haven't seen a primary care physician in over four years, so a lot of my issues have stacked on top of each other and caused so many issues at this point that treating these issues would take a really long time. Not to mention I've gained so much weight due to health reasons . I'm at the biggest I've ever been in my life, which is 330 pounds. I worked in the hospitality industry for a long time as I went to college and became a chef and worked as that for a while and I also went to college and got my bachelors degree in masters degree in business administration and leadership . I have worked jobs that require you to be on your feet, work quickly, and bending and lifting which I could no longer do right now due to the pain and shortness of breath, I have from severe anemia and other issues. I was able to move into leadership roles, but even those roles do require you to be on your feet all day. So this has caused issues for me because I struggle finding an office job since nobody hires you if you don't have prior experience. Which is very frustrating. I lost my apartment earlier this year and I had to quit my job because my job would not be accommodating to my limitations so currently I am homeless and I'm jobless. I have lost all desire for life I mean seriously even the smallest tasks to do in a day. I don't have a desire to do. I used to be in love with cooking and baking and cake decorating and all those fun things and I no longer have a desire for that either there's nothing alive that I enjoy anymore.
I'm 31 years old and I should be at the peak of my life. I should already know where my career is headed. I should already be successful.
Not to mention that I don't have family at all I don't have any siblings.
Every person that I have tried really hard to be kind and loving to by giving gifts or doing interactions with have rejected me, talk badly about me or betrayed me. The pain from these consistent experiences and disappointment from people all the time has broken my heart, and maybe into a retaliatory monster even though I'm not truly a monster, but the anger and the pain that I have felt from those actions by other people has turned to be cold.
Every relationship I have ever had I have been left or abandoned or mistakes I have made due to having borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and other issues as well. I have my mom, but she lives out of state and she can't help me in the way that I need I don't tell her about much. It is indescribable the pain and suffering that I feel on the inside of me. I truly believe that a standard and normal person cannot fathom what it feels like to be entirely alone in life. I have a couple of friends I talk to, but it is over Facebook messenger and they live out of state and it's only the same three or four people. I can't tell you the last time I had a real human relationship face-to-face. I have also never had a healthy human relationship. I come from a dysfunctional family all of my mom's siblings and her parents they all have generational trauma and issues and it is not normal. I'm 31 years old and I have never had one single healthy relationship.
My father abandoned me as well. He didn't want to claim me because he actually had another woman pregnant at the same time that my mom was pregnant. My mom was just the side bitch. There really is no loss there though because my dad wasn't shit. He actually has spent most of his life in prison. However, he went along and had three additional children with that same woman my mother went on to get pregnant a couple other times, but she miscarried one and then she also aborted one or two I can't remember she selfishly kept me because she wanted a baby just like all her other friends in high school and I ended up being just a pretty doll to dress up until I got big enough where she actually had a parent and obviously she sucked at it.
My childhood was incredibly sad. I never got a birthday party. I grew up to a young single mom that had a sex addiction, severe depression and she loved to party. My mother went openly engaged in sexual activity in front of me she would hit me and she would intimidate me if I were to expose her business to anyone so I never did because I was scared. I was emotionally neglected all of my life, which is I feel like the culprit of me developing a personality disorder and being being so screwed up mentally. I grew up near my cousins who had a perfect family. They had a loving mother and father in a very loving home. I used to hate with the holidays, came around because I would go over to their house and I would see them up with their gifts I just remember how happy they were. They got the best Christmas gifts too. They always had a birthday party and they were very active in sports and extracurricular activities that I would have loved to try or do. My aunt also secretly hated me at one point. I remember she told me to stop showing up at her house.
My mother would sleep for days on and at a time I remember I woke up as a little girl, and I would just sit there and stare to see if she was going to wake up and so when she wouldn't I remember that I went to school and my dirty clothes from the night before or I had to figure out how to brush my own hair. When I was in elementary school, there would be this thing that would happen where kids in my class would have their parents show up to eat lunch with them. So this prompted me to ask my mom if she could bring me lunch like other parents to do for their kids and I remember that she would promise me to bring me lunch and I would sit at the lunch table, staring at the door, waiting for her to come and she would never show up. I was never asked. How was my day at school I was never helped with planning my future or planning college. I was never allowed to talk about my feelings because back then a lot of mothers felt like they had power and so what I thought and felt didn't matter. Which has messed me up into my adulthood because I don't handle it well when I perceive that I'm being ignored because of the damage to my brain from living for 18 years with feeling like I'm unheard and unseen.
I'm a firm believer that you can't just blame your childhood for your bad decisions, but this pain has stayed with me my whole life.
I just really can't wait to get out of here. I am so broken inside and I don't have a purpose here. The sad part is is that I believe in God. I'm grateful for all that he has done, but I don't feel like I could fulfill my life in the way that he deserves me to do so I would rather leave my body, my physical body and do whatever I need to do in spirit form on the other side. I'm so ready to go and it feels so good because I'm not going to tell anyone and I don't think I'm going to say goodbye to anyone. I just wanna be free of my mortal pain on this earth, it is so very agonizing and indescribable . Even if that means I go to hell it's worth it to me because I hate who I am and I don't want any more part of this or what I've become.
