Venting I hate myself so much. that and ranting.

[livingdeaddyke]

i hate myself. more than a lot.
i tried my hardest but i'll eventually have to accept i will never love myself. i never had the chance to.
i hate the way i look the most. i'm extremely ugly. it's why i hated school so much, mostly because i was around people that were much better looking. it made me not wanna go to school at all, and i was failing. i felt so much better in my bed, and even more so alone. i least i won't feel like im being judged, and no one has to look at me.
and not to mention, i "graduated", but i failed and took summer school, so i never got to wear my gown, my cap, my diploma, nothing. and i doubt they even mentioned my name. That very last bit of "love" and esteem i had for myself, was destroyed. i missed out on one of the things i was looking forward to in school. I really was nothing.
i missed out on so much, because i knew i wanted to die, they wouldnt mean anything. i didn't care, and that is on me.
one of the things i hate about sleeping, is me having dreams of a better life, in a better body, finally being happy and loving myself, then waking up and realizing it was really that; a dream.
I am a waste of life.


That's why i want to be someone else completely. i wanna escape and leave this body and have another i can finally accept and love. whenever im soemone else i always feel better. I've been obsessing and fixating over looking like someone in particular, it's a character, but to me, they are truly perfect and it's really my ultimate goal. my goal is to escape. pretty sure we all do, lol.

 

[KissMeMidas]

Same!! I live every day feeling like someone else and thinking about what would be if I was in any other life. A lot of them would probably be the same, but I'm thinking about further branches, what would my carreer be, where would I be in life, who would I even be in the first place. This is a doomed timeline for me, all I can hope is that I'm happy in several others. Shoutout to the other me's lmao.

 

[livingdeaddyke]

i hate myself. more than a lot.
i tried my hardest but i'll eventually have to accept i will never love myself. i never had the chance to.
i hate the way i look the most. i'm extremely ugly. it's why i hated school so much, mostly because i was around people that were much better looking. it made me not wanna go to school at all, and i was failing. i felt so much better in my bed, and even more so alone. i least i won't feel like im being judged, and no one has to look at me.
and not to mention, i "graduated", but i failed and took summer school, so i never got to wear my gown, my cap, my diploma, nothing. and i doubt they even mentioned my name. That very last bit of "love" and esteem i had for myself, was destroyed. i missed out on one of the things i was looking forward to in school. I really was nothing.
i missed out on so much, because i knew i wanted to die, they wouldnt mean anything. i didn't care, and that is on me.
one of the things i hate about sleeping, is me having dreams of a better life, in a better body, finally being happy and loving myself, then waking up and realizing it was really that; a dream.
I am a waste of life.


That's why i want to be someone else completely. i wanna escape and leave this body and have another i can finally accept and love. whenever im soemone else i always feel better. I've been obsessing and fixating over looking like someone in particular, it's a character, but to me, they are truly perfect and it's really my ultimate goal. my goal is to escape. pretty sure we all do, lol.

i should give a minor update, i did have one today, but it felt a bit numb, this doesn't feel deserved. i always imagined myself graduating with a bunch of people, throwing our caps in the air, smiling, crying, but i missed out on that specific opportunity. i at least had some closure, sat beside two others and one girl that was deceased, so she was posthumously given the diploma. very depressing. i guess ill watch videos of a graduation that never was.

 

[VirtualWorldIsBette]

i should give a minor update, i did have one today, but it felt a bit numb, this doesn't feel deserved. i always imagined myself graduating with a bunch of people, throwing our caps in the air, smiling, crying, but i missed out on that specific opportunity. i at least had some closure, sat beside two others and one girl that was deceased, so she was posthumously given the diploma. very depressing. i guess ill watch videos of a graduation that never was.

For me, graduating a year ago didn't make anything better. I'm even more depressed and jobless, moved back in with my parents. I've lost all motivation, the job market is fucked and my comp sci degree is useless with AI now, it's been reduced to "prompt engineering". My entire time at University, I didn't have any friends, no group, nothing. I was extremely miserable the entire time and resorted to drug use, overworking and self harm. I just hope that this gives a different perspective about wanting to graduate. I dream constantly about being someone else and fantasise about normal, regular people. On the rare occasion I actually go outside, I like to look at people and imagine what their lives are like, with friends, a partner, and career. Something that feels like I will never have.