Venting i hate my autistic brother and i wish he never existed

[fishygirl]

older sister to an autistic younger brother with a serious health complication. hes 18, but has the thought capacity of about 10 yrs old.

per request of my mom, i chaperoned (stalking his every move in a crowded noisy venue for over 4 hours) for him and a friend of his at NYCC [comic con] today.

i arrived earlier at the venue to collect our badges. im inside the venue for a bit with my boyfriend, (who also went ofc) when i get called to meet up with my brother and his friend at a different entrance, after they were dropped off by para-transit.

within the ~10 minutes it took me to get outside the venue and locate him, him and his friend got scammed by some asshole who sold them fake/expired badges (even though i told them we were meeting up because i had the badges already...)
it infuriated me so badly that not only did they lose money so stupidly, but also that someone would prey on someone whos VERY obviously below average intelligence.

i already had a conversation with him about ignoring strangers talking to him. (or say: no thanks, and move on.) and that convo was after a homeless man recently got him to give him all the money he had on him... which was money my mom gave him for something else.

it infuriates and frustrates me. hes not even my child. but i feel the burden. the whole day today, as i watched over my brother and his friend, i felt so sad and frustrated. knowing that their moms had to deal with them every day.

a part of me wants him to be happy and safe- but if he was gone, i wouldnt have to worry about:
-his future, how he functions in society
-my mom's ability to care for him as she ages (shes 55)
-what happens to him after my mom dies
-the expectations on me to take care of him unconditionally

thinking about it, it really makes me hate him.

growing up, ive had to take him places in my free time, care for him alone, feed him, give him medicine, educate him, discipline him, and then get hit and cursed at. i hate it. and my mom? can she really be blamed for giving me some of the burden? for taking her frustrations out on me? dealing with the monster that is my brother?
i feel so bad for her- hes a burden, im a burden. he's also spoiled, prioritized. her little angel. i can understand, but it hurts all the same.

if he was gone, my worries would be gone. maybe my mom would have been kinder to me if she wasnt so stressed out with him. maybe things would be better.

i just... it makes me want to kill myself quicker, to avoid seeing the disasters caused by my brother, and what happens as both him and my mom age...

 

[itsgone2]

just... it makes me want to kill myself quicker, to avoid seeing the disasters caused by my brother, and what happens as both him and my mom age...

I feel sad reading this. I have a somewhat similar situation. Similar in that when I try to picture 10 or 20 years from now, I just can't. It overwhelms me. Couple that with some other issues and ctb comes up as an actual solution.
Side note but I recently realized I must be slightly autistic. However when I think of autism I picture your brothers symptoms so idk. I suppose there are levels

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's understandable you would feel overwhelmed by this. I suppose it depends on beliefs really. Personally, I don't like parents who have multiple children to effectively become parents to their siblings. It's happened in my family too. With less disability and responsibility but, it's still there.

But then truthfully, I'm antinatilist deep down. I rarely have any sympathy for parents. They brought it on themselves. They ought to have considered the possibility they may have children with ongoing special needs.

I feel so bad for you. I can appreciate that you still love your brother and your Mum but, we're all only human. Life's hard enough just looking out for ourselves. It's not his fault but, he must be a huge responsibility to have to look out for. Does your Mum do at least most of the care?

 

[_Maya]

I understand your frustrations, taking care of someone, especially with a learning disability like his sounds like hell.
You have no obligation to take care of your brother, it doesn't matter if he's disabled, unable to care for himself, etc etc. You have no obligation.
People always say you should take care of your family no matter what just because they're your blood, but you shouldn't. He isn't your child, he's your sibling, and your mom shouldn't be making you do her job even if she's old.
If you still want to care for him, by all means continue doing so. But you shouldn't let people guilt you into feeling like you have to stay trapped constantly caring for him for the rest of your life just because he can't take care of him self.
There are solutions of course, care homes, caretakers for people with severe learning disabilities like him exist. You mentioned him and his friend getting scammed, maybe find him a friend who's smart enough to prevent that? Teach him not to do anything without you/your moms permission (but im guessing you've already tried that.) A lot of these are easier said than done, but i'm just spit balling idea's here. I'm some random person on a forum, do your own research on how to help him and you might find a solution.

 

[fishygirl]

I feel sad reading this. I have a somewhat similar situation. Similar in that when I try to picture 10 or 20 years from now, I just can't. It overwhelms me. Couple that with some other issues and ctb comes up as an actual solution.
Side note but I recently realized I must be slightly autistic. However when I think of autism I picture your brothers symptoms so idk. I suppose there are levels

im sorry you feel it too... overwhelming is exactly the feeling. </3

autism is diagnosed on a spectrum, so i definitely would not doubt having autism just because its not as "severe" if that makes sense. every person with autsim functions differently.

It's not his fault but, he must be a huge responsibility to have to look out for. Does your Mum do at least most of the care?

thank you♡ i partly agree with you- the parents must be ready to bear any burden that comes with a child.. but autism is usually not diagnosed right away, and honestly i cant blame parents for not being ready to deal with it. its just unfortunate all around.

to answer your question, yes, my mom does most of the care, she always has, there just has been a lot of moments where she has to shift the care to me. i also moved out a couple of months ago so that has helped, but im helping her from time to time regardless.

to clarify- when i was younger, it was a lot of actual physcial taking care of him since he couldnt do most things himself. now that hes older, he just has to be surpervised and "managed" if that makes sense.
but he definitely is not capable of acting completely on his own. right now its more of a mental load than anything.

There are solutions of course, care homes, caretakers for people with severe learning disabilities like him exist. You mentioned him and his friend getting scammed, maybe find him a friend who's smart enough to prevent that? Teach him not to do anything without you/your moms permission (but im guessing you've already tried that.)

thank you- i like how you mentioned care homes. i definitely thought of it, and it basically seems to be the most likely solution. but in the end, its a money problem. who pays the care homes if my mom or i cant? (we cant). its a hypothetical question. i hope it doesnt come to do that. actually, caretaker is a more realistic option but doesnt solve the living situation.

and yea, we always tell him to just listen to us haha. but another problem is that hes also kinda just a (spoiled) brat lol so he wont listen to us/ignore us sometimes. a result of my mom's coddling.

 

[Warlord's Pulse]

Not exactly related to your thread, but I found interesting and even relieving to some extent that you explicitly said that he's a burden. Some time ago, I read about the "Joiner Factors", that being the 3 necessary and sufficient factors for high risk of death by suicide:
Feeling that they are a burden to others. ;
Profound loneliness and isolation. ;
Fearlessness and/or desensitization. ;

It's rather commom to see suicidal people talking about "how much of a burden they are", and in normie (if I can say so) spaces, people always try to do the classic sugarcoating in saying that it must be something biased. I always hated that reasoning because some people really ARE burdens, from my personal experience I can say that most people will judge you and then try to aplacate the situation to not feel guilty. I was in a similar situation from you, except that I was the younger brother, the age gap was [is] higher and I'm not that severely autistic, but, during my entire childhood, my brother said I'm just an irreversible loser, and while he was hitting all the milestones for adulthood, I just lost years by bedrotting, and now he tries to soothes me and it's actually profoundly irritating.

Anyway, just for a matter of imagination exercise: what if your brother have a insight some time later, and then he starts to vent about wanting to die and that he's a burden without future? What you think would be your reaction?

 

[looking4partner]

im sorry you feel it too... overwhelming is exactly the feeling. </3

autism is diagnosed on a spectrum, so i definitely would not doubt having autism just because its not as "severe" if that makes sense. every person with autsim functions differently.


thank you♡ i partly agree with you- the parents must be ready to bear any burden that comes with a child.. but autism is usually not diagnosed right away, and honestly i cant blame parents for not being ready to deal with it. its just unfortunate all around.

to answer your question, yes, my mom does most of the care, she always has, there just has been a lot of moments where she has to shift the care to me. i also moved out a couple of months ago so that has helped, but im helping her from time to time regardless.

to clarify- when i was younger, it was a lot of actual physcial taking care of him since he couldnt do most things himself. now that hes older, he just has to be surpervised and "managed" if that makes sense.
but he definitely is not capable of acting completely on his own. right now its more of a mental load than anything.

thank you- i like how you mentioned care homes. i definitely thought of it, and it basically seems to be the most likely solution. but in the end, its a money problem. who pays the care homes if my mom or i cant? (we cant). its a hypothetical question. i hope it doesnt come to do that. actually, caretaker is a more realistic option but doesnt solve the living situation.

and yea, we always tell him to just listen to us haha. but another problem is that hes also kinda just a (spoiled) brat lol so he wont listen to us/ignore us sometimes. a result of my mom's coddling.

Does your brother qualify for Medicaid? Because you could possibly hire a CNA caretaker through them. It can take a while to find one who clicks and also actually does the services they are supposed to. But they are supposed to help with things like companionship/outings. (A lot of them don't have driver's license though. I recommend trying to find reviews for a company that mentions the caregivers driving.)

There is a limit on the number of care hours per month and the number of driving hours covered. But it would help with giving your Mom a break and not relying on you which is a form of parentification.

I'm sorry to say, but I want to mention that I also agree with the commenter above me, even though I also understand the overwhelm of being expected to be a caregiver because I was one before I became disabled.

Part of the reason why I want to CTB is because people treat me like a burden & what I read other people saying about autistic people.

 

[sanrioslayer]

Nahh girl youre putting the blame on the wrong person. Your brother cant help his condition, but the fact that your mother forces you to care for him? Thats on purpose. No child should have to parent their sibling. Im sorry you have to deal with this

 

[fishygirl]

Does your brother qualify for Medicaid? Because you could possibly hire a CNA caretaker through them.

i find this a bit funny, because as of right now i am legally employed as his home attendant. (which is a bit different than a CNA, but fundamentally provides the services he needs) this just happened recently, and i expect it to be temporary.

of course its a bit ironic since i want nothing more than to distance myself from my brother/mom, but ive been having trouble finding a job after leaving my last one about ~4 months ago for health/safety reasons and this is a good compromise as my mom is being very flexible/forgiving with the scheduling.

which is why i ultimately agreed to start working with him. (and i might as well get some money out of all this stress, lol)

he's had CNAs, home attendants, and respite on and off through his whole life, sadly though most of them did not care about my brother/their job and in the end they do not last very long.

Anyway, just for a matter of imagination exercise: what if your brother have a insight some time later, and then he starts to vent about wanting to die and that he's a burden without future? What you think would be your reaction?

im sorry you went through that and i appreciate your insight, but i do not believe my brother has the cognitive capability to feel that way.
but lets say he could: i would probably be so stressed out at the thought of another complication in his life, that id just block it out and try not to care at all.
this is usually my reaction to most things that happen to my brother.

Nahh girl youre putting the blame on the wrong person. Your brother cant help his condition, but the fact that your mother forces you to care for him? Thats on purpose. No child should have to parent their sibling. Im sorry you have to deal with this

thank you, and yes youre right, but my mom also has no choice but to turn to me for help sometimes. its just an unfortunate situation all around i guess. and as much as i want to hate my mother for burdening me, i cant help but sympathize with her.

 

[telekon]

older sister to an autistic younger brother with a serious health complication. hes 18, but has the thought capacity of about 10 yrs old.

per request of my mom, i chaperoned (stalking his every move in a crowded noisy venue for over 4 hours) for him and a friend of his at NYCC [comic con] today.

i arrived earlier at the venue to collect our badges. im inside the venue for a bit with my boyfriend, (who also went ofc) when i get called to meet up with my brother and his friend at a different entrance, after they were dropped off by para-transit.

within the ~10 minutes it took me to get outside the venue and locate him, him and his friend got scammed by some asshole who sold them fake/expired badges (even though i told them we were meeting up because i had the badges already...)
it infuriated me so badly that not only did they lose money so stupidly, but also that someone would prey on someone whos VERY obviously below average intelligence.

i already had a conversation with him about ignoring strangers talking to him. (or say: no thanks, and move on.) and that convo was after a homeless man recently got him to give him all the money he had on him... which was money my mom gave him for something else.

it infuriates and frustrates me. hes not even my child. but i feel the burden. the whole day today, as i watched over my brother and his friend, i felt so sad and frustrated. knowing that their moms had to deal with them every day.

a part of me wants him to be happy and safe- but if he was gone, i wouldnt have to worry about:
-his future, how he functions in society
-my mom's ability to care for him as she ages (shes 55)
-what happens to him after my mom dies
-the expectations on me to take care of him unconditionally

thinking about it, it really makes me hate him.

growing up, ive had to take him places in my free time, care for him alone, feed him, give him medicine, educate him, discipline him, and then get hit and cursed at. i hate it. and my mom? can she really be blamed for giving me some of the burden? for taking her frustrations out on me? dealing with the monster that is my brother?
i feel so bad for her- hes a burden, im a burden. he's also spoiled, prioritized. her little angel. i can understand, but it hurts all the same.

if he was gone, my worries would be gone. maybe my mom would have been kinder to me if she wasnt so stressed out with him. maybe things would be better.

i just... it makes me want to kill myself quicker, to avoid seeing the disasters caused by my brother, and what happens as both him and my mom age...

That sounds really rough. Is there really no hope? Can he not learn how to cook for himself and take care of himself?

I'd think that most governments would provide housing and basic costs for someone like this. I have a friend who is very schizophrenic and she lives alone and cooks for herself. It's hard right now because he's still very young but he might mature. He needs to understand that it is not okay to hit anyone.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

I understand you are frustrated with this situation. It seems he is sadly not able to support himself, even after he become an adult. Are there any welfare or conservatorship resources available for your family? This is originally what your parents should do but it'd be worth trying to find to reduce your current burden. And I wonder why your mother gave him money over and over again even though he has been taken advantage of by scums? It's also nice to tell her you don't want to worry about him getting scammed. I want you to remember your life is yours. It's definitely ok for you to save your own boundaries and happiness. To keep away from and abandon your family before CTB might be justifiable if you've run out of other options. Because this happens after all if you decide to leave the world. I wish you the best.

 

[Haematemesis]

TLDR: If you're on the autistic spectrum not even your family has a single atom of love towards you.

Brutal honestly.

 

[X-sanguinate86]

TLDR: If you're on the autistic spectrum not even your family has a single atom of love towards you.

Brutal honestly.

I have suspected this for some time but never wanted to say it. I think in most cases the family does care about them but there are so many families that end up hating a black sheep or someone who they never actually loved. Humans are shit, no way around it. Even the best sides of us are always trying to catch up with, if not compensate for, the bad sides. Just another reason for why anti-natalism makes sense.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

TLDR: If you're on the autistic spectrum not even your family has a single atom of love towards you.

Brutal honestly.

I don't think OP is wrong for feeling the way she does. She wants him to be happy, but it's natural to feel bad when your mother doesn't care for you because of a disabled brother.

Your feelings are valid fishygirl. I hope you find a way to move out of this situation, it might be the only way to escape caregiver burnout.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

TLDR: If you're on the autistic spectrum not even your family has a single atom of love towards you.

Brutal honestly.

Honestly I think this thread is more indicative of one of the main reasons high support needs autistic people and Level 3 autistic people are not treated properly (one of the most common death causes for HSN autistic people besides drowning is abuse/neglect by their caretaker iirc. Not related to this thread, but important to note)

It is unreasonably common for shitty parents to put the strain of this situation on their other less disabled children, and this fosters feelings of contempt for the autistic/disabled person who (as I can say from experience as someone who is autistic and has a caretaker myself, though for reasons other than my autism) is likely also experiencing stress/trauma and unable to express it.


To @fishygirl,

I grew up in "special needs" schools that essentially did the same thing, and I found myself having to help take care of kids at various points. What I can say is... your feelings are so valid. Your brother is not at fault, but I'm sure you know this already.

I have seen the way "glass children" fall into eugenics and ableist talking points the more they suffer. I accidentally delved into that community... never again. Keep your self awareness. Neither of you deserve this.

Don't let your emotions lead you down the wrong path and have you end up truly hating anyone but the actual villain here—your mom. Sending you good luck

 

[Dark Moon]

TLDR: If you're on the autistic spectrum not even your family has a single atom of love towards you.

Brutal honestly.

It seems so, I wonder if my family despises me in secret.