I Hate Lying

[A Desperate Fool]

I hate lying. I hate pretending to be OK so people won't get suspicious. I hate that I have a secret. It's not like me and I'm disgusted with myself for it. But I know it's a secret I have to keep. That secret is my ticket out of here.

For those of you who have difficulty lying and keeping secrets, how do you deal with knowing you are secretly planning on leaving this world behind?

 

[the_final_countdown]

I don't deal with it.

The oddest is hearing people make plans for the future, including me in them.

I can't relate.

 

[Fin]

First of all, you're a person of character and that makes you a better human being than most people out there.

As for your question, I have a similar issue with not wanting to lie outright and one solution I've thought of is to reduce my exposure to people's questions and inquiries by becoming less talkative and letting my actions speak for myself. If you are constantly doing things or working on something, people will be less suspicious and less prone to ask you about your thoughts, intentions and mental state because they will see that you're functional and will assume you're good. Obviously this doesn't eliminate all the questions; people will still be interested to know about you if they care about you. Another thing I do is try to divert my answers from my feelings to my mundane activities/occupations/endeavors as much as possible. This is, again, to point out that I'm (quasi)-functional so I don't have to lie about my feelings because I omit them completely.

However, while lying can be avoided or reduced through diversion or omission, I can't think of a way out of keeping your secret/hiding your truth. As you said, some people in your life will never have to know about it until it happens, otherwise it won't happen. A retroactive solution to this would be discussing this aspect in a suicide note and letting people know that keeping this secret was not comfortable for you, that you didn't feel like yourself in this process, but you had to because it was better for you.

 

[A Desperate Fool]

Someone asked me if I was OK and my first thought was "oh fuck how do they know?" What a terrible feeling. I have to push aside the paranoia while I calculate an acceptable everything-is-fine-here response. Now I know what my wife must have been going through keeping her affairs a secret from me.

A retroactive solution to this would be discussing this aspect in a suicide note and letting people know that keeping this secret was not comfortable for you, that you didn't feel like yourself in this process, but you had to because it was better for you.

I love that.

 

[LunarPyotr]

Yeah, it's a big deal to me to not just explode and leak everything in a harsh tone to my parents but yet I don't want them to know everything in fear of their behavior.
I mean, before I moved out I lived the hell of my life but after I moved out, they began to act so carrying and nice but I know that they just don't have anyone to command or to send to buy their fucking groceries.

 

[Trisolaris]

I can't even lie anymore. I suffer so much that I can't hide it. Every one knows I'm suicidal.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

I'm tired of putting on a facade of wanting to survive and thrive, learn and grow. Earlier today my brother told us about a horrific passenger train crash in Taiwan, and remarked how we are living in the end times as disasters (natural and man-made) are getting more frequent lately. I was about to say something along the lines of Ecclesiastes 4:2—"So I concluded that the dead are better off than the living."—but of course I held my tongue.

 

[restforeternity]

I tend to be very flighty. I look through escapism a lot. So far I am literally trying to work myself to death. A few people in my life are slowly catching on and I have made promises to the ones I love that I will never leave them behind. Its just a bit painful because despite my dark views of life, I am being a hypocrite by telling them that there is still a lot to hope for. Its seems as though I have gone far down rabbit hole.

 

[WornOutLife]

I hate lying to, pal.
It sucks but if I were honest I'd just be sectioned.

 

[popcorn]

i find lying easier than telling the truth most of the time, its like water of a ducks back to me its really no bother. part of the territory.. comes with detachment i believe


im telling the truth here BTW, or am i?