Pfysch
This is not a dress rehearsal.
- Sep 29, 2025
- 15
I haven't lived a day since I was 8 in which I didn't think at length about killing myself, and on most days it's the majority of my mental space. I'm really not scared to die, but I'm absolutely terrified of dying in the wrong way; if you want something done right you have to do it yourself. It just has to be a handgun to my head.
In 8 days, weeks, months, years, or decades, I'd rather die correctly than live for longer, for anything or anyone, and die wrong. I feel unimaginably strongly about this but there's virtually no one I can talk to about this in earnest.
Even though I don't think now is the time anymore, I can't get rid of the gun, because I can't lose the ability to change my mind. I will, someday, hopefully, get the chance to use it. No one even knows about the gun, it's the only real secret I've ever kept so close, besides my previous (now indefinitely suspended) plan. When I was younger, I made the mistake of getting too honest a few times, and facing the social and physical consequences of doing so again is deeply ingrained as a fate worse than death.
It's really uncharacteristic for me to own a gun; if anyone finds it, things will be very, very bad. My hiding place is pretty good. I have a set of wall-drawers to the side of my bed, one has no handle and can just barely be shimmied open. The gun and bullets are underneath a towel that I put an old bright pink double ended dildo on top of. I figured no one would keep searching if they found that.
I wish it didn't have to be this way, and that I could be honest and not put my freedom and autonomy and relationships at risk. I've told the two people closest to me that I want to control how I die, and in no uncertain terms that means suicide, but I can't tell them that I want that more than anything life could offer me. I can't tell them that I'm only a day or two of preparation away from killing myself. I can't tell them how close I got last fall, the gun, the plan, the date. I especially can't tell them why I changed my mind, and I definitely can't tell them I know the change to be temporary.
I want to be able to explicitly tell people that I wasn't planning to make it through last year, in the precise way I remember it.
It's a really heavy secret to keep, I think about it all damn the time. I want the people around me to know how I feel and to have some way to emotionally prepare but I just can't risk it. The worst thing that could possibly happen to me is being stripped of the opportunity to change my mind. Worse than dying.
In 8 days, weeks, months, years, or decades, I'd rather die correctly than live for longer, for anything or anyone, and die wrong. I feel unimaginably strongly about this but there's virtually no one I can talk to about this in earnest.
Even though I don't think now is the time anymore, I can't get rid of the gun, because I can't lose the ability to change my mind. I will, someday, hopefully, get the chance to use it. No one even knows about the gun, it's the only real secret I've ever kept so close, besides my previous (now indefinitely suspended) plan. When I was younger, I made the mistake of getting too honest a few times, and facing the social and physical consequences of doing so again is deeply ingrained as a fate worse than death.
It's really uncharacteristic for me to own a gun; if anyone finds it, things will be very, very bad. My hiding place is pretty good. I have a set of wall-drawers to the side of my bed, one has no handle and can just barely be shimmied open. The gun and bullets are underneath a towel that I put an old bright pink double ended dildo on top of. I figured no one would keep searching if they found that.
I wish it didn't have to be this way, and that I could be honest and not put my freedom and autonomy and relationships at risk. I've told the two people closest to me that I want to control how I die, and in no uncertain terms that means suicide, but I can't tell them that I want that more than anything life could offer me. I can't tell them that I'm only a day or two of preparation away from killing myself. I can't tell them how close I got last fall, the gun, the plan, the date. I especially can't tell them why I changed my mind, and I definitely can't tell them I know the change to be temporary.
I want to be able to explicitly tell people that I wasn't planning to make it through last year, in the precise way I remember it.
It's a really heavy secret to keep, I think about it all damn the time. I want the people around me to know how I feel and to have some way to emotionally prepare but I just can't risk it. The worst thing that could possibly happen to me is being stripped of the opportunity to change my mind. Worse than dying.
:)
