I hate how my brain just don't stop

[sleazyyyy]

Writing this instead of doing something completely impulsive and stupid.

I've been trying so hard to be better. Trying to untangle myself from all the mess I've made, setting boundaries I should've set a long time ago, figuring out who I am outside of everything that's happened. But lately, it feels like I've forgotten how to be myself.

I attempted PSH again. I've honestly lost count of how many times it's been. Maybe that's proof that I don't actually want to die, because no matter how many times I do it, I just can't die. Maybe I'm too fucking stupid or my neck's too fat and it's mostly user error. Maybe I should own it like a big girl and jump off a building instead.

The hardest thing right now isn't even surviving. It's the unfairness of everything.

I don't understand how someone can hurt you so deeply and then just keep living. How he gets to move forward while I'm still stuck trying to make sense of what happened. It feels like I'm carrying all of it and he's carrying none of it.

I still think about the girl he cheated on me with. And the weird thing is, I'm not jealous of her. I don't think she's prettier than me. I don't think she's better than me. I don't even want to be her.

But I can't stop thinking about her.

I keep looking at her like she's the answer to a question I've been asking myself ever since it happened. I keep trying to figure out what she had that I didn't. What made her worth risking everything for. And every time I look, I come up empty. That's the part that messes with me the most.

Because if I can't find anything she had that I don't, then what am I supposed to do with all this hurt? What am I supposed to do with the fact that I still got betrayed anyway? I think that's where the bitterness comes from.

I've always had a strong sense of justice. I've always believed that if something is wrong, it should be made right. But some things don't get fixed. Sometimes people leave you with damage they helped create and then they just move on. They just don't care.

Maybe that's why I still think about her, because I'm still looking for a reason. And I hate that I can't find one. I just wish my brain simply accept that my ex is a horrible POS and be done with it. I no longer want to bother myself with her or him BUT MY MIND CAN'T STOP.

 

[Yurak Hunt]

it would seem you and I are in very similar places with life events and our relationship. She just decided to turn off her feelings one day. I dont know how anyone can do shit like this. I failed my first attempt, I was going to PSH my second, but after reading more I think Jumping is about the only thing left for me.