Venting I had a single objective in life and I just realized I won't ever achieve it

[JamesMoonDerWater]

I interacted with very few posts since I first started logging in here. The reason for this is because I told my psychiatrist at the time that I was gonna write my letter and that was enough for him to lock me at my mom's under her supervision for a week. Since then I have come back to living at my place alone and ive been fluctuating on my mental health.

But the real reason I'm here and trying to ctb is because since January, more or less, I had realized that I can't follow my main goal in life, which is to become a game developer.

I think It was around the age of 6 when I played donkey Kong country 3 on a SNES emulator on a PS2 that I got that objective. Ever since I've done everything I could to achieve that. I really mean everything!

Unfortunately as my parents, relatives, friends and everyone else says, that isnt a dream for someone with too many vowels in their name. That's too much of a 1st world dream. I wouldn't be surprised if people here said things similar!

Its unfortunate they were all saying the truth. You can't follow your dreams when you have to work and pay bills in a shit ass environment like myself.

Obviously, it's not only the fact that I can't follow my dreams. I tried to achieve that goal so much that I ended up behind everyone my age. At 21 years I feel like i have to rebuild my entire life and I barely have anything built!
Also, the more I live as an adult the more I know I don't have control over anything. Last week I was supposed to go to an important therapy session, my bitch if a therapist waited for me to arrive to the clinic to just not do it. That's just the most fresh example on my head (this one really affected me because I was actually doing great before this), the fact that I only know English because I had to learn it because there were no game dev books in my language, yet I still get nothing from it is enough proof that no matter your efforts, you have no control over anything in your life. Anything, except your life itself...

I think it's very sad that in the end I did all I could but I feel as I wasn't dealt the best from life. Many people here talk about what saved them from ctb: good memories, people in their lives, dreams... I either don't have or never had any of that. At the age of 21 I live alone and rarely get in contact with anyone and like I said, if I ever get in contact with anyone what will that ever do for me? I'm tired of telling everyone how hard it's been to realize that I can't follow my entire life objective and I never even get a "damn that's tough". I'm still just creating the courage to finally ctb tbfr...

 

[Pale_Rider]

Im gonna be the asshole, and tell you at 21 you can still do anything you want to. Stop using other people as a measuring tool, because guess what? They are gonna stop advancing at some point too.

 

[JamesMoonDerWater]

Im gonna be the asshole, and tell you at 21 you can still do anything you want to. Stop using other people as a measuring tool, because guess what? They are gonna stop advancing at some point too.

Thanks for the encouragement. But the truth I think I just don't want it anymore. Where I live things are so bad we say you gotta "get your liver and make it your guts". Im so tired of this process of so much "make do" I just can't deal with this anymore you know? If I could id never be in this situation but life in this world we don't choose the conditions we are born.

I mean, when I go to college I encounter people who are much more privileged than me. Their biggest complain of the week is that their dad didn't let they drive the car over to the campus and they discuss very different things from me. They for example discuss their internships, which I don't do because I actually have work because I have to pay bills because I can't live with my parents.

Getting very personal on my world views (skip if you want): I think there's 3 types of people in this world, you either A get things sorted right away, youre born in a wealthy family and you have the right conditions in life. Or B, gets born poor like me but lies to yourself that one day you'll be better. That's my mom, dad, grandfather, grand-grandfather... And then there's C, which is me: I'm aware that I'll never achieve anything because this world is not made for people like me. Capitalism is not made for the poor like me. It's made so I think I have a chance, but I never had and will never have a chance. I have to believe in this lie so I can serve everyone above. That's how Brazil, Argentina and the entire LATAM ends up exporting most of the food on the world and their population still starves. It's because our purpose in capitalism is to only serve food. Not games, no, just food and first-class/commodities like coffee beans, ores (Bolívia!) and so on.

In short, if you have money, you can bypass this whole shit. If not, for a dirt poor Latino like me, I don't have the right to be anything more than a coffee colector. Maybe a front end dev at most. At that point we better end things here cuz again, I grew 20 years with one objective and I won't achieve it. I even tried to just momentarily pursue other things until I could chase game dev again. But I just cant let go of this, like I said, it is the thing holding me in this earth... I wish I had a percentage of all that inspiration you said. That's not me anymore.

 

[6138]

I actually know quite a lot about game dev, and I just wanted to respond here.

Game dev today is MUCH easier to get into than it was. When I started, you had to learn to code in C/C++ from scratch, with very few tools or resources, today, there are a TON of youtube channels and game dev websites out there, in addition to much easier languages like C#, etc.

You don't need an expensive college degree or a ton of money.

Unity and Unreal are free, (They have a royalty based fee model, where you have to pay a percentage of your profits if you sell your game) and there are free tools for all aspects of game development (Blender for 3D modelling, the GiMP for image editing, audacity for audio, Visual studio community for coding, etc, etc).

You can release the game on steam (There is a 100 USD fee) or even in itch.io (Where as far as I am aware there is no fee). You don't need a publishing company, etc.

It has never been easier to get into game dev!

You don't need to make skyrum or call of duty to be successful, there are a ton of simple games, retro games, and indie games that are very successful!

Learning game development when english is your second language might be challenging, but your english seems fluent, if I didn't know better, I'd swear you were a native speaker, I'm sure you can do it!

You could start with a small, simple game idea, maybe a puzzle game, or a 2D game, or a visual novel? That will teach you the skills that you need to get started.

I don't want to be dismissive, but I really believe that today, anyone can make a game, it has never been easier!

 

[permanently tired]

I actually know quite a lot about game dev, and I just wanted to respond here.

Game dev today is MUCH easier to get into than it was. When I started, you had to learn to code in C/C++ from scratch, with very few tools or resources, today, there are a TON of youtube channels and game dev websites out there, in addition to much easier languages like C#, etc.

You don't need an expensive college degree or a ton of money.

Unity and Unreal are free, (They have a royalty based fee model, where you have to pay a percentage of your profits if you sell your game) and there are free tools for all aspects of game development (Blender for 3D modelling, the GiMP for image editing, audacity for audio, Visual studio community for coding, etc, etc).

You can release the game on steam (There is a 100 USD fee) or even in itch.io (Where as far as I am aware there is no fee). You don't need a publishing company, etc.

It has never been easier to get into game dev!

You don't need to make skyrum or call of duty to be successful, there are a ton of simple games, retro games, and indie games that are very successful!

Learning game development when english is your second language might be challenging, but your english seems fluent, if I didn't know better, I'd swear you were a native speaker, I'm sure you can do it!

You could start with a small, simple game idea, maybe a puzzle game, or a 2D game, or a visual novel? That will teach you the skills that you need to get started.

I don't want to be dismissive, but I really believe that today, anyone can make a game, it has never been easier!

I understand what you're saying with the accessibility of information practically being at his fingertips, but it's not whether or not he has the ability but energy. Every tool someone might need can be in front of them, but if they don't have the strength to lift those tools then it's useless. I felt similarly when I accepted I didn't have it in me to continue pushing.

 

[6138]

I understand what you're saying with the accessibility of information practically being at his fingertips, but it's not whether or not he has the ability but energy. Every tool someone might need can be in front of them, but if they don't have the strength to lift those tools then it's useless. I felt similarly when I accepted I didn't have it in me to continue pushing.

Yeah, I get what you're saying. I was just trying to be as encouraging as I could, you know?

 

[JamesMoonDerWater]

I understand what you're saying with the accessibility of information practically being at his fingertips, but it's not whether or not he has the ability but energy. Every tool someone might need can be in front of them, but if they don't have the strength to lift those tools then it's useless. I felt similarly when I accepted I didn't have it in me to continue pushing.

THIS. PRECISELY THIS!

Where i live (Brazil) we cant publish anything (playstore, steam...) easily. For example you MUST own your own house to do anything of the such, which is not my case. Theres also tax which pretty much halves any income too. Also, working 9 hours a day plus college pretty much means anything but time and energy. TBFR game dev is so unbearable i dont think it would make a difference, we only hear the stories of the people who succeded. For those there will be milions whom, just like me, failed miserably. Even tho i studied articles, books of all kinds, the problem is not only me but a thing of jurisdiction (also owning a house apparently) of all things.

Although i have built 2 games, one being a project to graduate at high school and the other being a "small" 2 months project while I was unemployed and living with my parents, as of now I can't see myself doing more of it because none of those had any value to me. The first was a bad serious game (tho i have it dearly with me) and the second is a shity idle game.

The worst of all might be that i dont understand why so many people have it so much better than me... Today i had computer graphics classes and not 2 hours ago, a classmate of mine just heard from me for the first time in his life what a Stencil Test is because he asked our teached if he knew how they made the portals in Portal. And he (classmate) was wearing a shirt worth my computer! Thats something i aint got none of: support. Be it financial, emotional... I aint got what it takes to not live by my single objective in life.

if it makes things better... I never loose the fucking hope you know. Yesterday i was on a new psychatrist who prescripted new medicine. I'm also trying to meet new people at a therapy group at uni (pretty freaging cool might i add) and at least my coworkers are really fond of me. But as of now, i regret telling my old psychatrist and getting locked at my mom's, i could've ended all my suffering long ago if it wasnt for that. Although i still tell this to them i'll never tell if I'll ever ctb or thinking of ctb. They really lock you and all that shit.

I actually know quite a lot about game dev, and I just wanted to respond here.

Game dev today is MUCH easier to get into than it was. When I started, you had to learn to code in C/C++ from scratch, with very few tools or resources, today, there are a TON of youtube channels and game dev websites out there, in addition to much easier languages like C#, etc.

You don't need an expensive college degree or a ton of money.

Unity and Unreal are free, (They have a royalty based fee model, where you have to pay a percentage of your profits if you sell your game) and there are free tools for all aspects of game development (Blender for 3D modelling, the GiMP for image editing, audacity for audio, Visual studio community for coding, etc, etc).

You can release the game on steam (There is a 100 USD fee) or even in itch.io (Where as far as I am aware there is no fee). You don't need a publishing company, etc.

It has never been easier to get into game dev!

You don't need to make skyrum or call of duty to be successful, there are a ton of simple games, retro games, and indie games that are very successful!

Learning game development when english is your second language might be challenging, but your english seems fluent, if I didn't know better, I'd swear you were a native speaker, I'm sure you can do it!

You could start with a small, simple game idea, maybe a puzzle game, or a 2D game, or a visual novel? That will teach you the skills that you need to get started.

I don't want to be dismissive, but I really believe that today, anyone can make a game, it has never been easier!

I think we're missing a big picture that is knowing how to use all those tools and knowing all of that takes a lot of time and energy, none of which i have today. I avoid talking about future because in the short life i made as an adult i realised you can never make plans, so i wont say that i dont see myself having the time and energy in the future, you never know (you never know if i'll even be here in the future fr).

But i do get your point. I do share the same opinion that it has never been easier to be a game dev. On the contrary, it has never been so hard to live. Like, exist, to live in general. I work 9 hours a day. Every hour, i make 1.40 US dolars - about 8 Reais. Im lucky i'm so poor i got 100% scholarship and dont get to pay college.

Anyway, this carrer thing of me is my greatest agressor but not the only one. Talking here has helped and im gratefull for your comments, but i havent removed my head from the thought of ctb. But just as much, i also wish that something would happen in my life and all of sudden everything would be just right... I have the feeling it was never right for me, i dont remember a point in life i can pick and use as reference to say "i wish i'd go back to this point". There was never something like this for me, there was never a "point where everything became bad", everything was just bad from the start. I had this feeling since ever, before all of this even.

Anyways, thanks for the encouragment, i have to be honest and say that i do know how to use some of those tools myself. I tried focusing 3D for a long time, but i dont think i did it in the right way, and as a result i didnt end up in teh best of places. Im - at least was (trying to) focusing on 2d which is smaller and simpler, although i have much less experience with. Im sorry if it sounds so arrogant, im so excited to talk about it and its not every day that i have the opporunity to do so.

 

[6138]

Firstly, I love your art style! They really "pop", your art skills are far better than mine!
I totally get what you're saying about not having the energy, I have been through that myself in life.
I am lucky enough now that I am productive despite being depressed, but of course, not everyone is like that.

Well done on your two games! Even if they aren't the best, you probably learned a huge amount from creating them!

. Talking here has helped and im gratefull for your comments, but i havent removed my head from the thought of ctb. But just as much, i also wish that something would happen in my life and all of sudden everything would be just right... I have the feeling it was never right for me, i dont remember a point in life i can pick and use as reference to say "i wish i'd go back to this point". There was never something like this for me, there was never a "point where everything became bad", everything was just bad from the start. I had this feeling since ever, before all of this even.

Anyways, thanks for the encouragment, i have to be honest and say that i do know how to use some of those tools myself. I tried focusing 3D for a long time, but i dont think i did it in the right way, and as a result i didnt end up in teh best of places. Im - at least was (trying to) focusing on 2d which is smaller and simpler, although i have much less experience with. Im sorry if it sounds so arrogant, im so excited to talk about it and its not every day that i have the opporunity to do so.

You're very welcome!

I am the same way, I can't say there was ever a point in my life I'd like to go back to, but if I had to pick one, it would probably be my college years? I think I was less miserable then...

You can talk about game dev wil me all you want!

I only work in 3D, because my 2d skills are terrible! (Funnily enough, I just implemented a "portal" style setup in a game I am working on last week!).

 

[JamesMoonDerWater]

h

Firstly, I love your art style! They really "pop", your art skills are far better than mine!
I totally get what you're saying about not having the energy, I have been through that myself in life.
I am lucky enough now that I am productive despite being depressed, but of course, not everyone is like that.

Well done on your two games! Even if they aren't the best, you probably learned a huge amount from creating them!



You're very welcome!

I am the same way, I can't say there was ever a point in my life I'd like to go back to, but if I had to pick one, it would probably be my college years? I think I was less miserable then...

You can talk about game dev wil me all you want!

I only work in 3D, because my 2d skills are terrible! (Funnily enough, I just implemented a "portal" style setup in a game I am working on last week!).

Huh its really a coincidence! Side note, I explained that classmate what a stencil test and some other things are and he proceeded to ask our teacher if we were going to learn in this semester what a "VBO" or a "FBO" was. Mind you, we were using a VBO since day 1 and he didnt even knew because our teacher's opengl wrapper abstract that from us. Not me tho! My eyes are hardwired to spot draw calls and unnecessary "if" usage in shaders!

Anyways, id love to talk about game dev with yout, like i said i rarely get the oportunity to do so, specially with someone who understands about things. Although i am/was focusing on 2D, i did have some runs with 3D and my current assignment for Virtual Reality classes is to make a Metaverse! Its actually just a room with multiplayer in unity, but metaverse is much cooler right? My github has my latest project that was a level editor for Blender and the Defold engine. Never came to be since this whole "ctb" thing came to be...

Anyway's, anytime you wanna chat id love to! It seems we have a lot in common to talk about too!

 

[Worndown]

Having a single, lifelong career goal is normal. Attaining that goal is not.
I started looking at one "career" and focused on that.
The forces of life gave me 4 completely different careers. You cannot forcast where you end up from where you are now. Recession, competition, buyouts and profit taking all effect the workforce. At best you can count on five years doing whatever you seek.
Game designer today, accountant or barista tomorrow. Who knows? You may enjoy the least expected job the most.
I did.

 

[Gabriel Kostyukov]

Where i live (Brazil)

You have all the cards you need on hand. With a basic programming knowledge and a good grasp on english you could freelance and get paid in dollars. I know it's much easier said than done but it's true.
For some reason the computer monitor mesh you posted reminds me of johnny test for some reason lol. Great work, keep it up.

 

[JamesMoonDerWater]

You have all the cards you need on hand. With a basic programming knowledge and a good grasp on english you could freelance and get paid in dollars. I know it's much easier said than done but it's true.
For some reason the computer monitor mesh you posted reminds me of johnny test for some reason lol. Great work, keep it up.

I think you're overstating/overestimating my skills. I consider myself a somewhat competent programmer, seen as I do it since 2018 frequently almost everyday both for work and for other reasons.

But how?! I literally mean, what should I do? The way you say (and I don't want it to sound offensive, truly!) it makes it sound easy, as in "you just gotta do this and that". Personally, I don't got skills valuable enough for that. "That" I mean is working for outsiders. My art skills are avg on a good day still and although I'm a good programmer I'm not a good game dev. I mean I don't program games specifically as well as I wished. Didn't have much opportunities as I wished too...

More networking too, that surely would help, but I just don't know how to. Game jams are an obvious one, I just wish I had the time for it. The last time I took vacation was in June and no possibilities in the near future.

Anyway, I THINK it might be easy to get the idea by just some prints that I am a somewhat good game dev, but not as close as I wish I was unfortunately. My second game was in itchio but I was so embarrassed of it that it's only now available as assets now. I might grab the link later.

Thanks for the encouragement tho, rly appreciate it.



PS: thx for the computer, the uv mapping was a hell to do!

 

[Gabriel Kostyukov]

But how?! I literally mean, what should I do? The way you say (and I don't want it to sound offensive, truly!) it makes it sound easy, as in "you just gotta do this and that". Personally, I don't got skills valuable enough for that. "That" I mean is working for outsiders. My art skills are avg on a good day still and although I'm a good programmer I'm not a good game dev. I mean I don't program games specifically as well as I wished. Didn't have much opportunities as I wished too...

You should work on your portfolio and branch out for stuff like web dev and web design. Again, I know it sounds kind of offensive to point that out but literally just branch out and work on your portfolio. Make a linkedin profile and link your neocities site or whatever.
If you want some tips, know where to advertise your work. If you don't want to compete with the big fish then look for work on places like facebook marketplace or other places where a demographic of people who have no prior experience with that would go. They usually have no idea of scope so you'll probably have to do a lot of explaining, lol.

 

[JamesMoonDerWater]

You should work on your portfolio and branch out for stuff like web dev and web design. Again, I know it sounds kind of offensive to point that out but literally just branch out and work on your portfolio. Make a linkedin profile and link your neocities site or whatever.
If you want some tips, know where to advertise your work. If you don't want to compete with the big fish then look for work on places like facebook marketplace or other places where a demographic of people who have no prior experience with that would go. They usually have no idea of scope so you'll probably have to do a lot of explaining, lol.

Thanks for the advice. LinkedIn seems obvious but IDK, it's kinda silly/shameful to post game dev content there where it's full of people from work and such. Also there's no risk of big fish as well. Theres no risk of competing with any fish at all. I myself have seen and talked to only 2 other game devs in person in my whole life.

In all I truly doubt/don't know whether or not any of these will work. I didn't really gave it a try tho for all the reasons I listed before. Another important reason is that, again, I think I'm not prepared in the sense I'm not good enough.

I think I have not found a thing in game dev that suits me (3D or 2D mainly) in which I can focus. It is like this for a number of reasons... Lack of autism specialized therapy might be one of them since my own therapist have said numerous times "I can't help you with that question unfortunately". In the end, that lead to me being mediocre in a lot of things and not excelling in any unfortunately.

Anyway, last week we had a game dev event on campus but I was too depressed to go. We'll have another this weekend, this time I'll go with a friend too.

Again, thanks for the advice but I just can't grasp an actual, real way to get things going you know? Game dev requires time and energy none of which I have. It also requires things which I have never had like discipline as well. I could be much further if I could've picked a style years ago and committed to it. That summed to all other things adds up to what I have currently. I avoid trying to play the victim but it's just how things are for me rn. After too many years of the same things, the same outcomes and nothing new it gets tiresome. I do appreciate the encouragement tho, truly

 

[stoiccactus]

I'm not going to tell you what to do but I work in the software/technology business and the only good people in the business have non-linear routes into doing what they do. Sure, like you can go to MIT and get a degree in physics and work on the Unity engine or get some art degree or whatever, but that stuff is all going to be replaced by AI anyway. If I could suggest one thing as an old dude in the business, I would just start making shitty iphone games and seeing if you can get any to stick. It's not expensive and AI makes it a lot easier than it used to be. The future of game design work isn't in the engineering or art, it's in putting all the pieces together (because AI is going to do all the pieces). Just my 2c