i guess it wasn't abuse if I technically said yes, right? i need u

[emptywings]

I've always been kinda stuck on this. I was at a friend's place with a few other friends, and I sat next to him. then he started, like, touching me, yk? i got really scared and kept pushing his hand away, but he just kept doing it, even harder. i felt pretty helpless, honestly. but at the same time, I obviously liked the way it felt. srry, ik that's kinda graphic.


then he asked me to go to his room with him, and I said no like, at least ten times. he just wouldn't drop it. eventually everyone else left, and my Uber was taking forever. he begged me again to come to his room, and eventually I gave in. and yeah, you can probably guess what happened after that.


and if you're wondering whether I actually liked it… honestly, yeah, i did in the moment. but when I had to leave, i cried the whole way home because i really didn't want any of that to happen.


i've never really known what to make of the whole thing. i guess i always thought it was my fault because I eventually went along with it and didn't ask anyone for help, especially since I felt pleasure.


what do u guys think happened here?

 

[.idiot]

>kept pushing his hand away
I will assume you did it a few times, as in around 5 times.

>I said no like, at least ten times
10+5=15
>eventually
I'll assume you asked ten more times, so that makes 25 times.

So you said "no" 25 times.


90% his fault for not taking a very big hint- I say 90% instead of 100% because, as you said, you ultimately gave in instead of waiting for your uber, or maybe starting to walk.

So, no, it is not your fault- it is very trivially partially your fault, and mostly his.

As for having mixed feelings about liking it in the moment and not actually wanting it to happen- how long ago was this? I ask because if it was fairly recent, I think you should give it more time before thinking on it again and ultimately deciding your final feelings.

 

[emptywings]

As for having mixed feelings about liking it in the moment and not actually wanting it to happen- how long ago was this? I ask because if it was fairly recent, I think you should give it more time before thinking on it again and ultimately deciding your final feelings.

2 years):

 

[.idiot]

2 years):

Yeah, you've had a fair amount of time to decide then. If you are still in contact with this guy- cut contact with the freak immediately, and his other friends.

Thats rape, and illegal! If you dont feel too uncomfortable recounting everything you should get him in some kind of legal process, whether it be jail or court, you could get back at him. Beware if he has people on his side though

I really, really don't think this is a good idea.

Firstly- two years ago, as said. The only thing remaining here in terms of evidence is emptywings statement to the police- this guy friend of hers has his friends which will likely paint him in a positive light.

Second- two years, again- and it has likely been established among this guy's friendgroup that emptywings said yes. In which case, this will very likely end up with emptywings getting painted as "that crazy girl who totally enjoyed it then all of a sudden changed up tunes a couple years later and wants to ruin this perfectly innocent guy's life".

This will be fucking terrible for emptywings- permanently tarnished reputation where she lives, and maybe beyond given modern social media.

 

[emptywings]

Yeah, you've had a fair amount of time to decide then. If you are still in contact with this guy- cut contact with the freak immediately, and his other friends.



I really, really don't think this is a good idea.

Firstly- two years ago, as said. The only thing remaining here in terms of evidence is emptywings statement to the police- this guy friend of hers has his friends which will likely paint him in a positive light.

Second- two years, again- and it has likely been established among this guy's friendgroup that emptywings said yes. In which case, this will very likely end up with emptywings getting painted as "that crazy girl who totally enjoyed it then all of a sudden changed up tunes a couple years later and wants to ruin this perfectly innocent guy's life".

This will be fucking terrible for emptywings- permanently tarnished reputation where she lives, and maybe beyond given modern social media.

THIS IS SO TRUE,
i swear i was thinking the exact same shit back then. his friends kept hitting on me all the way up until i graduated, just cuz i'd been with that dude. i felt so fucking shitty and used. i kinda just pushed it outta my head cuz i knew i wasn't in the right headspace to really deal with it.

 

[.idiot]

THIS IS SO TRUE,
i swear i was thinking the exact same shit back then. his friends kept hitting on me all the way up until i graduated, just cuz i'd been with that dude. i felt so fucking shitty and used. i kinda just pushed it outta my head cuz i knew i wasn't in the right headspace to really deal with it.

Okay, yeah they were all shitheads then. Never your "friends"- they just you as an easy mark to score. I truly hope you have fully cut contact with these people.

 

[anonymoususer278387]

coercion is not consent!

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

You were coerced. It's not your fault. You're not born knowing how to handle these situations, so often times it takes shitty experiences to learn how to stand up for yourself.

Hope you can get therapy since this obviously still eats at you.

 

[emptywings]

coercion is not consent!

damn

You were coerced. It's not your fault. You're not born knowing how to handle these situations, so often times it takes shitty experiences to learn how to stand up for yourself.

Hope you can get therapy since this obviously still eats at you.

tysm):

 

[termination2434]

Sure, you did give in, but you said no at first many times and he kept pressuring you. I won't be the one to tell you whether or not to blame yourself (up to you), but absolutely do not blame yourself anywhere near as much as you blame him. He is 110% in the wrong.

 

[emptywings]

Sure, you did give in, but you said no at first many times and he kept pressuring you. I won't be the one to tell you whether or not to blame yourself (up to you), but absolutely do not blame yourself anywhere near as much as you blame him. He is 110% in the wrong.

tysm

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

Not consent and definitely abusive behaviour by him, sorry this happened to you.

That being said @.idiot also is right about what he said, you eventually gave in which was really not the smart thing to do there if you didn't want to have sex with him. We all make mistakes... only thing is to learn from them. Usually your gut feeling (saying no 20+ times) is right, trust it!

Still somewhat baffling to me that you still liked what happened in the moment despite decidedly not wanting it before or thereafter. Maybe something to look at in a therapy session...

 

[emptywings]

Not consent and definitely abusive behaviour by him, sorry this happened to you.

That being said @.idiot also is right about what he said, you eventually gave in which was really not the smart thing to do there if you didn't want to have sex with him. We all make mistakes... only thing is to learn from them. Usually your gut feeling (saying no 20+ times) is right, trust it!

Still somewhat baffling to me that you still liked what happened in the moment despite decidedly not wanting it before or thereafter. Maybe something to look at in a therapy session...

when i said i "liked it," i meant purely biologically. mentally, i wasn't really there at all. i felt really fucking awful.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

when i said i "liked it," i meant purely biologically. mentally, i wasn't really there at all. i felt really fucking awful.

You saying 'you weren't even there at all and felt really fucking awful' is quite telling actually. It strongly hints towards dissociation due to the coercion you'd given into, which is also a plausible explanation of why it even worked biologically for you in that situation – because usually it likely wouldn't.
I know this because a former girlfriend of mine with PTSD from past sexual abuse and I experienced something with her as well when she had a flashback: We were about to get down to business and her vagina absolutely cramped in that moment to a point where it would be impossible to have penetrative sex. We obviously didn't continue and she had quite a story to tell me afterwards about why this happened...
She had also been doing trauma therapy for SA victims about the original event and this is basically what her therapist told her:
Usually, without some form of dissociation, things don't work biologically if your mind is not in it, especially not for women. The dissociation is also a common theme of what happens during rape. It's a protective reaction of the mind to protect the body from harm basically as I understand it.

As it obviously still disturbs you deeply over 2 years later (as it did her) – otherwise we wouldn't be having this thread – I wish you the best and hope you can heal from this mentally. Maybe understanding a bit better what likely happened helps with that. All the best and I'm sorry some of us men are doing shit like this.

 

[theboy]

At what age did this happen?

 

[emptywings]

¿A qué edad ocurrió esto?

19

You saying 'you weren't even there at all and felt really fucking awful' is quite telling actually. It strongly hints towards dissociation due to the coercion you'd given into, which is also a plausible explanation of why it even worked biologically for you in that situation – because usually it likely wouldn't.
I know this because a former girlfriend of mine with PTSD from past sexual abuse and I experienced something with her as well when she had a flashback: We were about to get down to business and her vagina absolutely cramped in that moment to a point where it would be impossible to have penetrative sex. We obviously didn't continue and she had quite a story to tell me afterwards about why this happened...
She had also been doing trauma therapy for SA victims about the original event and this is basically what her therapist told her:
Usually, without some form of dissociation, things don't work biologically if your mind is not in it, especially not for women. The dissociation is also a common theme of what happens during rape. It's a protective reaction of the mind to protect the body from harm basically as I understand it.

As it obviously still disturbs you deeply over 2 years later (as it did her) – otherwise we wouldn't be having this thread – I wish you the best and hope you can heal from this mentally. Maybe understanding a bit better what likely happened helps with that. All the best and I'm sorry some of us men are doing shit like this.

wow, fr tho, thank you so much … you genuinely helped me a lot

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

wow, fr tho, thank you so much … you genuinely helped me a lot

sounds a tad bist sarcastic, I hope it wasn't.
I was a bit concerned this might come off as mansplainy...