I guess it ends tonight

[BPDtgirl]

I'm so over this now, I'm outta here.

I've got everything I need now for the long nap. It surprises me how simple it all is now I actually have all the materials I need to die.

I've gotten the method from someone else on this site, they were entirely successful and they documented their experience as it happened so i'll do the same. I'll be using carbon monoxide as my method as the whole sodium nitrite route that is so popular here was too difficult. It's nigh impossible to get ahold of any in the UK and, i guess, it's just a bit of an ugly way to go, in my opinion.

I wanted to say thank you to a community that helped me get through some of this shit without being judgemental, so thanks. I'll be documenting it all here. Fuck it.

I'm really tired of feeling this way and BPD/EUPD has no cure, it will never go away unless I make it go away. I'm leaving behind my best friend and my dog, it feels fucking horrible but the pain is too much and i'm so so so sick of it. I'm so sorry, both of you. I love you both so much and I'm sorry I did this. Please forgive me, the pain of this shit is just too much for me to take anymore.

so fuck it! here's my method, i'll be trying it out tonight. If you see something in the news about a body in a tent being found in the UK, hey it's me!

Carbon monoxide (CO) is a colourless, odourless and flavourless gas that, when inhaled, effectively stops the transportation of oxygen in your blood. Oxygen binds to proteins in your blood and then is signalled to be released in the body where there is a build up of Carbon Dioxide (CO2). A build-up of carbon monoxide getting into your bloodstream means that oxygen isn't able to be released where it is needed and will mean that the body slowly shuts down. Death usually happens after already experiencing loss of consciousness, so dying isn't something you actually experience. I've always been too scared to hang myself or jump for this reason. It's relatively peaceful. Pain is minimal, reportedly, a headache perhaps. I encourage anyone who needs the help to research it further, understanding this whole process has given me the peace of mind I needed.

I have a pop up tent, some gaffa/duct tape, some firelighters and some charcoal. The method is to set up the tent and then use the gaffa tape to seal off points of ventilation on the tent. After the charcoal has been burned in a grill, it'll appear to be 'white' hot. This is when the burning charcoal is producing carbon monoxide. I'll be taking some sleeping pills and anti anxiety meds (mirtazipine, propranalol and melatonin) so I can hopefully fall asleep pretty quickly. You can see where I'm going with this, bring the charcoals inside the tent and seal it up. Fall asleep, don't wake up. Hopefully I'll get to go in my dreams. I'll leave a note on the outside of the tent as a warning to anyone who might try to open it up.

I'm not sure where I'll go yet, i'm waiting for night to set off. I think I might get an uber to the nearest beach, I always loved the sea and the sound of it, I think that'll help.

Fuck it man, so yeah here goes. What a shit fucking life I leave behind.

 

[Namelesa]

Whatever you choose or happens, I hope you can escape your pain, one way or another. BPD is hell.

 

[Roadrunner]

All the best, hope your journey is gentle

 

[spero_meliora]

I'm so sorry life has lead you to this - whatever your choice, may you find peace.

 

[33K1LLM3]

I hope you find peace in your desicion, sleep well and find peace my dear <3

 

[tsumihoroboshi]

i have BPD too, i know what kind of hell it can be. i hope you're able to find peace wherever you go.

 

[avalokitesvara]

I hope you get the peace you're looking for Take care

 

[homeboundcripple]

I'm so over this now, I'm outta here.

I've got everything I need now for the long nap. It surprises me how simple it all is now I actually have all the materials I need to die.

I've gotten the method from someone else on this site, they were entirely successful and they documented their experience as it happened so i'll do the same. I'll be using carbon monoxide as my method as the whole sodium nitrite route that is so popular here was too difficult. It's nigh impossible to get ahold of any in the UK and, i guess, it's just a bit of an ugly way to go, in my opinion.

I wanted to say thank you to a community that helped me get through some of this shit without being judgemental, so thanks. I'll be documenting it all here. Fuck it.

I'm really tired of feeling this way and BPD/EUPD has no cure, it will never go away unless I make it go away. I'm leaving behind my best friend and my dog, it feels fucking horrible but the pain is too much and i'm so so so sick of it. I'm so sorry, both of you. I love you both so much and I'm sorry I did this. Please forgive me, the pain of this shit is just too much for me to take anymore.

so fuck it! here's my method, i'll be trying it out tonight. If you see something in the news about a body in a tent being found in the UK, hey it's me!

Carbon monoxide (CO) is a colourless, odourless and flavourless gas that, when inhaled, effectively stops the transportation of oxygen in your blood. Oxygen binds to proteins in your blood and then is signalled to be released in the body where there is a build up of Carbon Dioxide (CO2). A build-up of carbon monoxide getting into your bloodstream means that oxygen isn't able to be released where it is needed and will mean that the body slowly shuts down. Death usually happens after already experiencing loss of consciousness, so dying isn't something you actually experience. I've always been too scared to hang myself or jump for this reason. It's relatively peaceful. Pain is minimal, reportedly, a headache perhaps. I encourage anyone who needs the help to research it further, understanding this whole process has given me the peace of mind I needed.

I have a pop up tent, some gaffa/duct tape, some firelighters and some charcoal. The method is to set up the tent and then use the gaffa tape to seal off points of ventilation on the tent. After the charcoal has been burned in a grill, it'll appear to be 'white' hot. This is when the burning charcoal is producing carbon monoxide. I'll be taking some sleeping pills and anti anxiety meds (mirtazipine, propranalol and melatonin) so I can hopefully fall asleep pretty quickly. You can see where I'm going with this, bring the charcoals inside the tent and seal it up. Fall asleep, don't wake up. Hopefully I'll get to go in my dreams. I'll leave a note on the outside of the tent as a warning to anyone who might try to open it up.

I'm not sure where I'll go yet, i'm waiting for night to set off. I think I might get an uber to the nearest beach, I always loved the sea and the sound of it, I think that'll help.

Fuck it man, so yeah here goes. What a shit fucking life I leave behind.

How much charcoal will you be using?

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Godspeed.

 

[Ch4in3dcr0w]

I wish u find the peace u are looking for and all the best to come your way no matter what happends. Good luck and much love

 

[BPDtgirl]

thank you for the kind words, appreciate it. As for how much charcoal, I have just over 5kg just in case something goes wrong.

I'm currently just waiting for the charcoal to arrive, everything else is ready.

Just ate some food and i'm cuddling with my dog, watching some true crime stuff on youtube. I can't stop thinking about this little dude, I love him so much but I know he will be okay.

 

[bankai]

Darling @BPDtgirl ,I already saw your plans in the chat. I'm sorry it came to this. I'm just going to reach out and hug your beautiful soul.If this is what you choose, I can understand. I won't forget you. Thank you for all your posts and threads on this site.

You're more seen and recognized than you will know. I hope the universe is gentle with you and welcomes you with love and affection

 

[BPDtgirl]

thank you, it means a lot. i really tried, i'm nearly 30 now and i'm just so exhausted by this cycle.

Everything is here, its crazy how this is all i needed, this whole time. Its a bizarre feeling seeing all this in front of me knowing that this stupid little cheap tent is going to be where I die.



cant upload pics the old fashioned way atm, sasu and the UK have fallen out

i'm tying up some loose ends, writing notes now. i'm a little anxious but i'm ready. feels weird, like i'm already a ghost floating around at this point.

i'm gonna go somewhere quiet, i was thinking of booking a campsite… but there's no time now. I'm going to be found by someone, I wish i could say sorry to whoever that person might be. I'm afraid that i'm nothing more than another statistic.

I'm gonna find out tonight what there is after death, maybe there's something and our consciousness continues to exist in another form, maybe it's just nothing and it all goes black. Not sure, who knows

 

[jazzcat621]

BPD is just one of the hardest disorders to deal with, more so because people just dont know how to be nice. I hope you find the peace and comfort you look for. Best of luck.

 

[bankai]

thank you, it means a lot. i really tried, i'm nearly 30 now and i'm just so exhausted by this cycle.

Everything is here, its crazy how this is all i needed, this whole time. Its a bizarre feeling seeing all this in front of me knowing that this stupid little cheap tent is going to be where I die.



cant upload pics the old fashioned way atm, sasu and the UK have fallen out

i'm tying up some loose ends, writing notes now. i'm a little anxious but i'm ready. feels weird, like i'm already a ghost floating around at this point.

i'm gonna go somewhere quiet, i was thinking of booking a campsite… but there's no time now. I'm going to be found by someone, I wish i could say sorry to whoever that person might be. I'm afraid that i'm nothing more than another statistic.

I'm gonna find out tonight what there is after death, maybe there's something and our consciousness continues to exist in another form, maybe it's just nothing and it all goes black. Not sure, who knows

I know you have suffered a lot. I generally keep up with a lot of the members on this site, even if I don't directly interact with them. You haven't posted in quite some time. I used to check up on you from time to time. Silly as it might seem.I can't directly message people too much anymore 'cause it breaks my heart to see them go later on sometimes.

You're no statistic though. Maybe to the bloody government. But not to anyone here.You'll be missed.I don't say that lightly.

 

[5_5]

i'm so sorry you had to go. i will keep you in my thoughts, wish you the best. <3

 

[darksouls]

hope you find relief from suffering

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find peace from suffering, I wish you the best.

 

[Catch-22]

Wishing you a peaceful journey.

 

[homeboundcripple]

thank you, it means a lot. i really tried, i'm nearly 30 now and i'm just so exhausted by this cycle.

Everything is here, its crazy how this is all i needed, this whole time. Its a bizarre feeling seeing all this in front of me knowing that this stupid little cheap tent is going to be where I die.



cant upload pics the old fashioned way atm, sasu and the UK have fallen out

i'm tying up some loose ends, writing notes now. i'm a little anxious but i'm ready. feels weird, like i'm already a ghost floating around at this point.

i'm gonna go somewhere quiet, i was thinking of booking a campsite… but there's no time now. I'm going to be found by someone, I wish i could say sorry to whoever that person might be. I'm afraid that i'm nothing more than another statistic.

I'm gonna find out tonight what there is after death, maybe there's something and our consciousness continues to exist in another form, maybe it's just nothing and it all goes black. Not sure, who knows

Does them 3 pacts of charcoal equal 5 kg?

 

[thaelyana]

Just remember.. if anything feels off or you change your mind, you can always walk away and call for help, alright? Take care and safe travel

 

[TransTaxEvader]

I wish you luck sister

 

[wham311]

I hope you find peace

 

[BPDtgirl]

thank you, i know i can change my mind too, i think i'm ready.

its raining right now, its light rain but it is causing me some problems. i'm not sure i'll be able to get the fire burning properly without some good shelter, the charcoal needs to burn properly and for a good hour or so before it begins to emit purely CO.

I'm going to try, will keep updating.

I feel a little bit sick, i'm sure its anxiety.. i've taken another propranolol and i have mirtazipine ready to help me drift off.

I wonder just how many people with BPD wander through this site, or how many trans women, or how many trans women with BPD. There can't be that many of us, or maybe we're naturally predisposed to this sort of disorder? Idk.

Does them 3 pacts of charcoal equal 5 kg?

There's 4 in total, each one is roughly 1.5kg in total weight including the packaging. The weight is mostly from the charcoal so I just estimated the amount. This should be more than enough. I'm going to light two with the firelighters, hopefully the rain doesn't impede it too much.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

PM me if you feel the need. It's not over until it's over. If I don't hear from you again, you're invited to my table.

 

[MourningFlower]

Safe travels, tired one. I wish you nothing but rest and peace.

 

[Namelesa]

its raining right now, its light rain but it is causing me some problems. i'm not sure i'll be able to get the fire burning properly without some good shelter, the charcoal needs to burn properly and for a good hour or so before it begins to emit purely CO.

I'm going to try, will keep updating.

I feel a little bit sick, i'm sure its anxiety.. i've taken another propranolol and i have mirtazipine ready to help me drift off.

We going to be here if this works or doesn't work

I wonder just how many people with BPD wander through this site, or how many trans women, or how many trans women with BPD. There can't be that many of us, or maybe we're naturally predisposed to this sort of disorder? Idk.

Sadly a lot of people are here with BPD and/or are trans. Its just the nature of trans people are sadly treated by the world and how hellish BPD is.

 

[Manic Panic]

Good luck , rest in peace hun

 

[Leyna]

I hope you find peace

 

[AuraByte]

Whatever the outcome, I wish you peace, friend.