I'm so over this now, I'm outta here.
I've got everything I need now for the long nap. It surprises me how simple it all is now I actually have all the materials I need to die.
I've gotten the method from someone else on this site, they were entirely successful and they documented their experience as it happened so i'll do the same. I'll be using carbon monoxide as my method as the whole sodium nitrite route that is so popular here was too difficult. It's nigh impossible to get ahold of any in the UK and, i guess, it's just a bit of an ugly way to go, in my opinion.
I wanted to say thank you to a community that helped me get through some of this shit without being judgemental, so thanks. I'll be documenting it all here. Fuck it.
I'm really tired of feeling this way and BPD/EUPD has no cure, it will never go away unless I make it go away. I'm leaving behind my best friend and my dog, it feels fucking horrible but the pain is too much and i'm so so so sick of it. I'm so sorry, both of you. I love you both so much and I'm sorry I did this. Please forgive me, the pain of this shit is just too much for me to take anymore.
so fuck it! here's my method, i'll be trying it out tonight. If you see something in the news about a body in a tent being found in the UK, hey it's me!
Carbon monoxide (CO) is a colourless, odourless and flavourless gas that, when inhaled, effectively stops the transportation of oxygen in your blood. Oxygen binds to proteins in your blood and then is signalled to be released in the body where there is a build up of Carbon Dioxide (CO2). A build-up of carbon monoxide getting into your bloodstream means that oxygen isn't able to be released where it is needed and will mean that the body slowly shuts down. Death usually happens after already experiencing loss of consciousness, so dying isn't something you actually experience. I've always been too scared to hang myself or jump for this reason. It's relatively peaceful. Pain is minimal, reportedly, a headache perhaps. I encourage anyone who needs the help to research it further, understanding this whole process has given me the peace of mind I needed.
I have a pop up tent, some gaffa/duct tape, some firelighters and some charcoal. The method is to set up the tent and then use the gaffa tape to seal off points of ventilation on the tent. After the charcoal has been burned in a grill, it'll appear to be 'white' hot. This is when the burning charcoal is producing carbon monoxide. I'll be taking some sleeping pills and anti anxiety meds (mirtazipine, propranalol and melatonin) so I can hopefully fall asleep pretty quickly. You can see where I'm going with this, bring the charcoals inside the tent and seal it up. Fall asleep, don't wake up. Hopefully I'll get to go in my dreams. I'll leave a note on the outside of the tent as a warning to anyone who might try to open it up.
I'm not sure where I'll go yet, i'm waiting for night to set off. I think I might get an uber to the nearest beach, I always loved the sea and the sound of it, I think that'll help.
Fuck it man, so yeah here goes. What a shit fucking life I leave behind.
