I GIVE UP FUCK MY PATHETIC LIFE!

[here_for_now]

im fucking done with love and finding a soulmate that i can grow old with. Im a loser bum and that's why every romantic interest either ended badly or they ghosted me. Today i met a girl and we had a connection she was acting like she wanted to at least date me or was attracted to me and we were talking she sent me naughty pics and we were about to link and have sex. I didnt judge her, i accepted her and all her flaws bevasue i too have flaws i too am not perfect so why should i expect that?

But the last minute she was suppose to send me her address for us to meet and have sex and hopefully start dating, I get ghosted fucking hooray. And the other girl didnt even get that far she Gave me her digits answered my call didnt say anything and ended the call.

Im desperately trying to find love because i dont want to be lonely, i dont just want friends i crave touch someone to sexually want me, but it clearly shows that the world doesnt want me, i face rejection my whole life, and honestly i dont blame them im a random dude who's painfully average at best, has a drug problem, is a nerd, and watches anime.

I will never find love and honestly i deserve to be alone. Because I've been avoiding the painful truth, i will never receive interest from women because i don't quality and im not good enough. I dont blame them women should pick who they want and they dont want my loser ass.

I thought maybe if i find a gf maybe it could blossom into marriage and i could be a father one day, but that day will never happen. Tonight i will masterbate like every night for the past 8 years and cry alone and then after a few mins of my abusive uncle hearing his loser nephew cry his brains out will tell him to cry quieter beevasue we have neighbors lol

It's worse bevasue i have abusive family and I've failed multiple times to go no contact bevasue i am desperate for love and validation and go back to them but no more. I will maintain my no contact and kill myself. Im done living, i will kill myself when i get the chance. There's a good reason why women dont call back. Bevasue i reek of desperation and that's a major turn off.

Women have the choice of millions of people online easily so it makes sense, why settle for a loser like me when there's a chads down the block who are prettier than me, have more money then me, have better sex skills than me, and is better than me.

Im glad i didnt fall for the incel bullshit like those poor motherfuckers and blame women for my problems, im self aware i have no romance life bevacue of my lacking in life and that's 1000% my fault.

It's tough but nobody cares and i dont blame them. I tried to go to rehab and for the 3rd time i got bullied out of that program bevasue im a crybaby and i have to be a man.

Im so fucking done living as soon as i get the chance I WILL KILL MYSELF because im done being the nasty leftover food you throw away with gloves. Its utterly depressing to be nobodies option.

Im done trying to live and improve my life, i will live my life for now but i will wait and be patient once i find an opportunity to kill myself i will.

My reason for living use to be my brother but that ends tonight, bevasuse almost a year ago or 6 something months ago I opened up to my family about the 6 years of traumatic molestyation my sister did to me Not only did my family deny my trauma they called me a crazy drug addict and my brother who i deluded myself into thinking he cares about me and is my best friend is still big chilling with my sister like they're buddies.

Now i took off the blindfold i am clear and aware. I realize for the first time in my shitty life that i was better off swallowed as nut or aborted away. At least then i didnt have to live in silent suffering in vein

But i just hope i can kill myself soon. Life is too much for my soul, if i open up to strangers i get bullied and told to be a man, if i talk to girls they get creeped out.

I belong nowhere so I'll take out the trash. Hell even in this forum barely anyone talks to me maybe 1 dude every few months will dm me and i get it IM A LOSER THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT. So ill do what everyone wants me to do and get on with it.

 

[annointed_towers]

I feel similar. I wanted to be a wife and mother someday. It was my dream. I had a few dreams but that was one of them, maybe the ultimate.

But perhaps it was just a fantasy. I dreamed of a nice guy who I would be safe with, who would treat me right. Be good to him. A child or children I could love and raise in a way I wasn't, that I needed.

Just never happened. I had a lot of sexual partners. I liked sex a lot. Was always very sexual even since I was young. Compulsive masturbation, a lot of porn. Got groomed. Lost my virginity in some motel room with a guy twice my age I met online who made me feel sexy and special and smart and interesting.

But I didn't have much dating success, if any really. Last guy led me to mental collapse and illness and I still can't forgive myself for my role in it.

Now I'm disabled. In horrible pain. Not just — I can't walk very long or far, I feel weak, I can't sleep, but all that plus terrible pain that has no cure or pain management options. It's my fault. That part is my fault. I neglected myself and turned my anger and hatred inward.

So… I can't do anything meaningful to me. I'll never marry or have kids. I'll never have that safe little family I dreamed of, a secure home, a place for love to go. Be understood and understand.

Even if I could work or find something — my life would just be work. Work, eat. Sleep when my body lets me. No incentive really. It would still be minimum wage, some part time remote thing that's low effort and low stakes for a disabled person with low ability to be consistent from one day to the next.

so… you reach a point where you realize suicide is the rational option. The merciful one. There's no point. Some things are irredeemable, you can't heal or recover.

It's just over. You failed.

If I knew how to kill myself, I would. I'd get a gun if I could but I've been in a mental hospital so I can't get one for 4 years and I have no money to buy one anyway
////

Bed. I have no way of hurting myself.





I just.. can't wrap my head around it. How… how could this have happened.. I'm sobbing like someone died. I'm alone in my room that I rarely leave, in my mother's apartment where I've lived for a year and a half. For dinner I had a cold burger she brought home and left on the counter and I had no idea was there because we don't talk and have nothing to say to each other. Or maybe she said something about it but she speaks so softly and I can't hear her. She assumes I can hear her in here.





I am in dirty clothes; haven't bathed in days. My hair is matted. My room is a mess. Dirty clothes. Cups and mugs. Rotten fruit. Mold in cups that held juice or smoothie. I have a mostly liquid diet.





Bed is a twin. All in my own, don't need a bigger bed. No sheets on it.





Silence accept for the fan and tinnitus and my crying.





I have run out of money. I have no friends in real life. Just some online people I keep up with to varying degrees.





I can never travel again; buy things I want, even need. I'm too weak and tired to do things I once loved. My writing endeavors are useless — I can't write properly anymore, only eke out tangents in pain.





I was a star student. I was just getting established professionally at a good job.





My hobbies were music, books and audio books, podcasts, the library. Volunteering and community service. Church and prayer, being part of a spiritual community. I loved God because I really loved him, not because I was hold.





I spent free time and the weekends walking. On trails, just exploring. Going to the library. Sitting on grass or a bench and people watching with a coffee and pastry.





That's it. I did not ask for much, I did not expect much. Just a quiet, stable and comfortable enough like in a place I chose doing something I mostly enjoyed and hopefully with a family.





That is not what happened.





Ave I took care of my health. Working out, nutrition. Supplements. Even tried ti be as ethical as I could. Vegan at one point. Supported good farms. I could afford it.





So… it's just too much for one mind to handle. One spirit, one mind, and certainly one body