I get so down that I ache

[prototypian]

I have been on anti depressants for years with dozens of therapists and psychiatrists and psychologists all managing my meds and trying to help me somehow feel better.

The truth is that I don't. I never do. I spend my days in this stupid tortured existence wishing I diditn have any of the past that I have.

That's what they never fully explain; the platitudes about the future and "how much brighter it will be" yet they never tell you how to fix the past. They never tell you that every mistake you have ever made will be used against you, that you will never be free of the damage you have done whether intentional or not.

The solution is to just cram it all away and learn from it but never change it.

The absolute truth is that we will all be dead and will eventually not matter. Even the joy of the world as a wealthy successful person doesn't matter. Everyone will be dead someday and as each day passes by your worth will be less and less.

I believe that we have created a middle class that is too large to sustain itself. There are not enough jobs, not enough success, not enough opportunities and when something successful does show up the rate at which everyone works to duplicate it is move forward faster and faster each year. Eventually we will be surrounded by marketing snd synthetic foodstuffs in spaces too small for living and we will simply be fed information and food and left to act as consumers. It's bleak but it's all I see we have for a future.

I want to die very much and I'm getting more and more willing to try.

 

[prototypian]

Humans enslave each other with the expectations of contracts and employment. You can leave a job (sort of) but all must work for a living. The corporate world does its best to avoid spending money on people who might leave the job. The system wants to avoid spending money and wants people to work for the joy of work itself.

I was at the top. I watched decisions being made to ensure the highest paid middle workers were the ones targeted in the layoffs so that money was saved and those beneath were scared for their jobs.

We are so useless and so worthless that eventually even our suicides won't matter to anyone else. Someone will be there to step in for whatever mindless justification we did in the grand quest to make others as much money as possible.