Venting I fucking hate myself for this.

[anonymousapple]

I had a close friend who used this site a lot, and it's how I found out about this site in the first place. Not going to say her real name for the sake of her privacy, but, she disappeared, and I'm really not sure if she CTBed or not. Last time she messaged me, I was trying to convince her to stay with me, because she was a really good friend. I was doing my best to help her overcome her BDD, I also tried giving her as much attention as possible and just tried to, at the very least, keep her distracted from the pain she was going through.

I was still really iffy about CTB then, so when she sent me a link to the SN method on this site, I was doing my best to convince her to not do it, mainly because she had told me about all the things she wanted to do in life and I really wanted to see her get to that point. I argued (it wasn't really arguing? idk) with her for a few hours, until I eventually had to just stop because she seemed dead set on doing it, so I told her if she changed her mind I would be here, but otherwise I would stay quiet.

I fucking regret it, because I'm really starting to think she really did CTB now. Back then I don't think I was mentally ready to be there for something like that happening, but now, in the present, I'm having so much regret because I feel like I should've stayed with her until her last minutes, is that fucked up? I shouldn't have let her die alone, and I know that if she did CTB, she died, alone, and scared, and that could've been prevented if I just stayed with her until her final moments.

I seriously feel like this is going to be something that haunts me even after I CTB myself.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I argued (it wasn't really arguing? idk) with her for a few hours, until I eventually had to just stop because she seemed dead set on doing it, so I told her if she changed her mind I would be here, but otherwise I would stay quiet.

I think you've seen enough of my posts to know I don't bullshit.

I think you handled it perfectly.

It wasn't yours to own. You were there for her. You did your best. You allowed her to own her decision, whatver that would be. You showed compassion and respect.

If she was a member of this site for any amount of time, I think she knew what she was doing. It was her choice. You didn't cause it, you couldn't cure it, you couldn't control it. You are each autonomous and can't own one another's stuff. I would gently suggest to allow her to own her decision. She was lucky to have someone who cared so much, she lived at the end and died having someone caring about and loving her. You were a gift in her life and at the end of it, and you gave her space for her own self-determination.

I say well done. I have compassion for and respect you, too.

 

[I screwed up]

U did whatever u could ... U should be proud of urself that u were with her in her last days when ur friend needed it the most. U take care dear ..

 

[Eachdaymakesmedumber]

How can it haunt you after you are dead? There is nothing after death.