Story Drunk fuck up

[Luchs]

A week ago I met with a bunch of friends and we got absolutely sloshed. I don't remember anything from that night, but today I talked with someone about the night and I fucked up so bad.
Apparently when we were in the pool I pulled on the string of one of the girl's bikini tops and later slapped her on the ass while walking past her.
I think it was meant playfully, I don't desire her in any way, but she didn't take to it so well. It made her feel really shitty and uncomfortable.
She told me about it today, I was shocked at myself because I'm usually a pretty much totally non sexual person and very touch averse with 99% of people. We talked it through, I apologized and she forgave me.

That's all nice and well, but there are two issues. Firstly I just feel like an absolutely disgusting pig. I don't think the intentions were sexual, but there's no way to know. I feel so disappointed in and disgusted with myself. Like a dirty pig, some pwrverted animal, I pretty much lied to her saying that it'd never happen again, because how could I guarantee that?
Just the disconnect between my actions and who I think I am is horrible.
Secondly she talked about it with some of her friends and you know how the game of telephone goes around the globe basically. I deserve everything that comes my way in terms of social consequences, but that doesn't make me feel any less scared about it.
Sorry for bothering you with this pity party, if you decided to read this, I just feel like I needed to vent somewhere.

In conclusion, I wish I was castrated and I wanna die.

P.S. On a second read this just sounds like the innane ramblings of an abuser trying to paint himself as a victim too, to a bunch of strangers online. Even just this paragraph reinforces that notion I get from myself. Idk what to do.

 

[ctb_warrior]

No one knows how they'd behave if they are completely out.
I have drunk texted people and i was not aware..i have done some terrible things in that state.. i took full ownership of my actions but then, it was technically not my fault because I would have never done it if i was in my senses. And I'm sure there's no record of you doing such a thing before when u were in your senses.
You can not change what happened.. You can learn from it. That's all you can do..

 

[Luchs]

No one knows how they'd behave if they are completely out.
I have drunk texted people and i was not aware..i have done some terrible things in that state.. i took full ownership of my actions but then, it was technically not my fault because I would have never done it if i was in my senses. And I'm sure there's no record of you doing such a thing before when u were in your senses.
You can not change what happened.. You can learn from it. That's all you can do..

It's just a very disturbing feeling that this is who I might be deep down if unrestrained. I firmly believe that everyone has the capacity to be a monster deep down and that we stop ourselves or are stopped by societal constraints, power structures, fear of consequence, empathy and so on. To get that verified through my own actions is highly unsettling.
Looking back at all of this only elicits more feeling of disgust for who I am. When, not even really scolded, but confronted with my own actions and how they make someone feel I instantly sank into self-pity, pushed myself into the victim role.
In this situation I really have no right to feel bad for myself at all. I started trying to explain my own conjecture about possible motives for my actions, like that matters. It boils down to a feeble attempt to downplay my actions. It hurts a lot to see that I am no better than people I've ridiculed my whole life. If you reduce everything down to its basics I'm no different than the predators on TCAP trying to weasle themselves out of culpability, ellicit sympathy or just downplay their actions by any means necessary. Only they were trying to safe face publically, I however was just trying to protect my own fragile ego.
I'm the predator, the perpetrator in this situation and I have no right to sulk around, I have no clue how much worse the other party feels. I'm a petulant child in an adult body, throwing tantrums for getting the slightest pushback on his abusive actions towards others.
Then I come here to basically publically flog myself and prostrate myself to a crowd of strangers. If I could I'd go back and stop myself from posting this at all.
I'm such a piece of shit, at least now I did the only right thing in this situation. I wrote up and sent her a less emotional, more thought out message, I translated it and will attach it, maybe you guys can give me some of your thoughts on if it was a decent text.

"I'm writing to you because our phone call didn't give me any peace, and I've been mentally replaying everything over and over all day. I need to apologize to you—not this time for my actions, but for being dishonest with you.

First of all, it was ridiculous of me to try to explain to you the possible motives and intentions behind my actions. I can't even talk about it honestly, since I don't remember that evening—it would just be nothing more than an excuse. Even if I think I'm honestly explaining my reasons for acting the way I did, it's impossible for you to verify whether I'm just trying to talk my way out of the situation. (Not to mention that I might even be lying to myself or deceiving myself about my own motivations.)
Any attempt at justification is an excuse; only the action itself counts.

Second, I lied to you when I said that something like this "won't happen again." Even that phrasing serves to distance me—consciously or subconsciously—from my actions. Setting that aside, the main point is that through what I did, I showed that this is one of the ways I can act when my ability to exercise self-restraint—for whatever reason—is impaired. Even as the person I am now, I can't guarantee that I wouldn't do the same thing again if I were in a different mental state.
I'm truly sorry that I spoke so thoughtlessly and made a promise I couldn't keep.


Given the facts, I think it's best—since it's my fault that you feel uncomfortable—that we stop all contact.


Sorry, this turned out to be a bit of a long message, but I wanted to be clear.
Best wishes"

 

[ctb_warrior]

I can understand and you are right everyone's has a monster deep inside them somewhere.
When people are in their senses, they don't let that out...

Just a few weeks ago, i was under the effect of benzo that i had overdosed. I was abusing and angry. Also, i told my manager and colleague that I'm suicidal. I told a counselor who called me my entire case history. I would not have done any of it if i was in my senses.
I sent several emails. I was released from that project as a result. Lol.. It was good riddance anyways. I wanted to leave that project. Forgive yourself that it happened. Ensure you don't do it again as that's the only option at this point