There's so much of me that has just had enough. I genuinely am exhausted with life. I wouldn't say it's depression like many people immediately jump to, I feel fine mentally, just exhausted mentally.
If you told me that tonight would be it, I was definitely not going to be here in the morning, I would shrug. Maybe get a large pizza, a bottle of wine and watch some of my favourite shows as a goodbye. But of course life doesn't work like that.
I of course wake up the next day, exhausted with life and how consistently crap everything is. But I still have this faint glimmer of life there.
I have no idea why. Honestly it's embers rather than a fire now, but it won't go away. It tells me "Hey, keep going, things are basically acceptable some of the time, so why not go on?"
Maybe it's some weird hope I have that suddenly things will get better.
Maybe I'll suddenly drop into a dream job and won't have to worry about food and rent.
Maybe I'll win the lottery and never have to worry about money again.
Maybe the remnants of some of my mental health issues will slowly fade into obscurity and I will be able to live a normal life without the dread of a phone call or the intercom buzzer to where I live going off.
I find it odd and frustrating as I genuinely have had enough of life but here I am pushing through for this dim idea of hope without any basis or likelihood things will or can change.
Maybe I just want to live but live stablely going forward. Is that too much to ask? My mind seems to think it's possibly whereas my 40 years of life say otherwise.
If you told me that tonight would be it, I was definitely not going to be here in the morning, I would shrug. Maybe get a large pizza, a bottle of wine and watch some of my favourite shows as a goodbye. But of course life doesn't work like that.
I of course wake up the next day, exhausted with life and how consistently crap everything is. But I still have this faint glimmer of life there.
I have no idea why. Honestly it's embers rather than a fire now, but it won't go away. It tells me "Hey, keep going, things are basically acceptable some of the time, so why not go on?"
Maybe it's some weird hope I have that suddenly things will get better.
Maybe I'll suddenly drop into a dream job and won't have to worry about food and rent.
Maybe I'll win the lottery and never have to worry about money again.
Maybe the remnants of some of my mental health issues will slowly fade into obscurity and I will be able to live a normal life without the dread of a phone call or the intercom buzzer to where I live going off.
I find it odd and frustrating as I genuinely have had enough of life but here I am pushing through for this dim idea of hope without any basis or likelihood things will or can change.
Maybe I just want to live but live stablely going forward. Is that too much to ask? My mind seems to think it's possibly whereas my 40 years of life say otherwise.
