i have been suicidal in some way for as long as I can remember. Whether passive ideation or active, I have never truly wanted to continue existing. The part that makes me feel different (which could also be totally irrational), is that I don't have a good reason for wanting to ctb. I see so many people on this site venting about their series of unfortunate events and devastating things in their life. I don't have trauma. I don't really have unfortunate current circumstances. There is no rational reason to explain why I want to cbt. My whole life i have felt an overwhelming and all encompassing feeling of nothingness and grey. I don't really get happy, but i don't feel negative emotions in a very strong way either. My life just feels completely without meaning or substance. But I know I am important to people. My family. If and when I do eventually cbt, my family's lives will be in shambles. As bad as this may be to say, this does not bring me major guilt. I will be dead and thus unable to care. Of course, in deciding death, I am knowingly committing this immoral act. But who cares? Not me. And that is precisely why I don't want to live; because i don't care about anything and i don't want anything. i am in a constant state of melancholy and death, being the ultimate neutrality, is objectively better than the negative state I am in currently.
I apologize if my style of writing is blunt or overly formal, I am autistic and people have always told me I talk too formally.
I apologize if my style of writing is blunt or overly formal, I am autistic and people have always told me I talk too formally.
