Venting I feel so lonely even though I have lots of people around me

[Cauliflour]

I doubt this is the first time, or the last time a post like this has been made, but I don't care. 4 years it's been and I feel more and more removed from people as a whole.

Now, I'm naturally an introverted person who likes to keep to themselves, but for a long time (especially now) I feel this desire to find someone who I can be honest with. I can't be honest with my friends because I don't really have any anymore due to me staying by myself when in gatherings. I can't be honest with my family because they'll waste too much of their time worrying about me (and I have no idea how I'll even start telling them, they'll just think I'm crazy). I can't be honest with my brother/best friend because he'll snitch on me to my parents and worry about me. I can't be honest with my old friend from school because she already thinks I'm fucked in the head and I don't want to make her worry more.

I want to find a girlfriend who doesn't mind that I like to intentionally cut myself. Who doesn't mind if I ramble on about stuff like this. Who doesn't mind that I'm terrible at socialising and bascially not really that attractive but then why would anybody care for a shitstain like me? It's this paradox that makes me feel crappy because there's better girls out there. Ones who have friends and eat their lunch with other people and go do stuff like bowling and have already dated before and know the ins and outs and goes to parties and knows all the trends on social media; stuff I don't really care about but most people do and so I'll waste my 20s being a depressed wannabe at my computer while others my age wreck their livers at parties and do sex and live life to the fullest and do normal people things that I don't care about but still also care about because I feel like I'm missing out on something that I know will make me feel worse. Maybe it's the masochism in me idk. But hey, I heard toxic people attract toxic people so maybe I'll eventually come across a girl like me who doesn't mind that I know jackshit on socialising and is just as fucked in the head as I am.

The only person I had who I could rely on was the woman in my head but she left 74 days ago on the 29th of January when I stupidly tried to kill myself. I've felt worse ever since and this weight is starting to become too much to handle. If I didn't find this site then I would've probably made an ass of myself on Discord where people already judge me for using the vent channels for stupid messages. But now the government wants to take this site away from me (I use a VPN but still) and someone eventually is going to come across all this and I want to be famous in the future for making video games and someone's gonna dig up all this shit about me and I'll be cancelled and have my life fucked over because I can't get my shit together and never will. I spent my teenage years trying to hide any problems that emerged but they're all starting to stack on top of each other and I really don't want to reach my breaking point.

Oh who am I kidding? Who the fuck even cares? I should just go back to arguing about politics with some communist wannabe.

 

[FoxSauce]

No is understandable you feel this weight of pain you have a right to be upset.

I really hope before you cbt you find love and some kind of happiness that makes you stay a bit longer in this world.

You deserve that at least

 

[VargosMelon]

Hey Cauliflour, if it's any consolation, at least your not alone in fearing being cancelled / having old stuff dredged up. I've said and done some stupid shit / toxic stuff on the internet that I'm currently paranoid will ruin any and all future chances of success, and also lead to me getting doxxed. I also worry how it possibly will screw over the other people in my life.

I also feel you on not having anyone to be honest about with certain feelings. I don't have anyone I want to talk to about my wanting to die, end it all. If fact when I have mentioned it before, one of my sisters called me emo, as I was literally crying. I don't feel like I could tell my bff because it will weigh her down with worry, as you mentioned with your family.

As for not having anyone to be honest with, if you'd feel comfortable you can also just shoot me a DM, as I like to say to people. My DMs are always open. I'm not sure how much support I could offer, but I can at least give a response. :3 (I also have discord too if you'd want that).

Anyway, if you have anything you like to do to soothe yourself, I'd encourage you to do in extra abundance.

P.s. I forgot to mention; this could help give you comfort, delete your old accounts, and you can pay for sites such as Delete.me, to remove your information from databroker websites. It's not the be all end all, but those two tips could help. Basically the idea is to lessen your digital footprints.

 

[bankai]

The only person I had who I could rely on was the woman in my head but she left 74 days ago on the 29th of January when I stupidly tried to kill myself.

you had another personality that went away after a ctb attempt?

 

[Cauliflour]

you had another personality that went away after a ctb attempt?

Not in the BPD sense, more like my brain is a car and car's have 2 seats at the front and she used to sit at the passenger seat at the front but sometimes when I annoy her she'll take over the wheel for a bit like this:

"Personality" implies some trauma happened when no not really.

 

[bankai]

Not in the BPD sense, more like my brain is a car and car's have 2 seats at the front and she used to sit at the passenger seat at the front but sometimes when I annoy her she'll take over the wheel for a bit like this:
View attachment 165264
"Personality" implies some trauma happened when no not really.

This is pretty complicated and complex stuff. I'm not going to act like I have any great advice.But I definitely empathize with you. People have very difficult personal struggles. I hope you can come to terms with your grief and be more happy going forward.