ikiruNObungaku
I'm literary nonsense.
- Jan 3, 2026
- 68
I have had insomnia for a long time now, and it is a horrible experience. Coupled by the fact that sometimes I feel like I see things at night, hallucinations or something like that, I cannot sleep. It has only gradually gotten worse, to a point where my doctor decided to put me on medication to help combat it. I do think the medication helped in some ways. I would not consider it a cure, but it was enough for me to get some rest at night in order to get through my days.
But last month, I ran out. My doctor had been refilling my prescription, but now refuses to unless I go back to get a check-up. I have no health insurance, my entire family lost their health insurance after my mother was injured at work and they fired her shortly after, and paying out of pocket simply costs too much. I have been without the medication for a month now and I feel like the insomnia has reached a disastrous level, far worse than how it was before. I fall asleep sporadically all through the day, but can never sleep at night. I watch the sun fall and the sun rise, walking around aimlessly sometimes, and only by around 7:00 AM can I fall asleep. But because of this, and with the naps, I wake up much later in the day and it is a repeating cycle. I have been having bad heart palpitations, tremors, and my memory is much worse. In the past I would not of considered my insomnia as a reason for my depression, but I do now.
I think my depression has gotten so much worse because of all of this, and it is especially hard because I cannot work like this, but a lack of work makes me feel unfulfilled. I am very sad. I would like to sleep permanently if possible. I feel like nothing will be able to get me sleep unlike the final rest. Not only will death give me the freedom of my mental burdens, but I can finally sleep. No more restlessness, no more seeing things at night. I know that sleep will be so wonderful...
But last month, I ran out. My doctor had been refilling my prescription, but now refuses to unless I go back to get a check-up. I have no health insurance, my entire family lost their health insurance after my mother was injured at work and they fired her shortly after, and paying out of pocket simply costs too much. I have been without the medication for a month now and I feel like the insomnia has reached a disastrous level, far worse than how it was before. I fall asleep sporadically all through the day, but can never sleep at night. I watch the sun fall and the sun rise, walking around aimlessly sometimes, and only by around 7:00 AM can I fall asleep. But because of this, and with the naps, I wake up much later in the day and it is a repeating cycle. I have been having bad heart palpitations, tremors, and my memory is much worse. In the past I would not of considered my insomnia as a reason for my depression, but I do now.
I think my depression has gotten so much worse because of all of this, and it is especially hard because I cannot work like this, but a lack of work makes me feel unfulfilled. I am very sad. I would like to sleep permanently if possible. I feel like nothing will be able to get me sleep unlike the final rest. Not only will death give me the freedom of my mental burdens, but I can finally sleep. No more restlessness, no more seeing things at night. I know that sleep will be so wonderful...
