ihatesalt99
New Member
- Feb 16, 2026
- 1
Sorry if this is incoherent, I've never been too good at formulating my thoughts.
I feel like a dirty bug-infested doll cleaned up just enough to fool a passerby into thinking it's pretty. I take care of my hygiene, I do my makeup and nails and yet I feel nothing. I don't feel happy, sad nor angry, just nothing. The emptiness feels unbearable and no matter what substance I reach for, no matter how deep or bad I hurt myself - it just won't go away. I spend every night rethinking my life and wondering where I went wrong, what I could have done better or why I'm even alive at this point.
If there was a way to end my life without hurting all those around me - I think I would do it. They are the last thing I have left. I've been tiptoeing the line between life and death for so long, but I am uncertain which way to truly go. I'd love to live a life with a normal job, normal friends and normal relationships but no matter how much I try to fit into those places - I'm just not normal enough for them. I can't face my fears, I can't forgive and forget, I can't let anything go and it's killing me inside. I don't even know how I've gotten this bad and illogical.
I pride myself on being good - good at school, good at taking care of myself, good at my chores but it brings me nothing. I am a walking laughing stock and it's all my fault. I'm slowly digging my own grave and no one even sees it, there truly is no happy ending in sight for me. I know I need to accept it, but I'll still beg, still attempt to convince myself I will one day be ok, still pray that by some miracle I will be saved - but I don't think it will happen. I can't imagine it happening.
Maybe I deserve it. I don't know anymore.
I feel like a dirty bug-infested doll cleaned up just enough to fool a passerby into thinking it's pretty. I take care of my hygiene, I do my makeup and nails and yet I feel nothing. I don't feel happy, sad nor angry, just nothing. The emptiness feels unbearable and no matter what substance I reach for, no matter how deep or bad I hurt myself - it just won't go away. I spend every night rethinking my life and wondering where I went wrong, what I could have done better or why I'm even alive at this point.
If there was a way to end my life without hurting all those around me - I think I would do it. They are the last thing I have left. I've been tiptoeing the line between life and death for so long, but I am uncertain which way to truly go. I'd love to live a life with a normal job, normal friends and normal relationships but no matter how much I try to fit into those places - I'm just not normal enough for them. I can't face my fears, I can't forgive and forget, I can't let anything go and it's killing me inside. I don't even know how I've gotten this bad and illogical.
I pride myself on being good - good at school, good at taking care of myself, good at my chores but it brings me nothing. I am a walking laughing stock and it's all my fault. I'm slowly digging my own grave and no one even sees it, there truly is no happy ending in sight for me. I know I need to accept it, but I'll still beg, still attempt to convince myself I will one day be ok, still pray that by some miracle I will be saved - but I don't think it will happen. I can't imagine it happening.
Maybe I deserve it. I don't know anymore.
